When we last checked in with Maxwell, the creepy GEICO talking pig, he had just gotten pulled over while driving his light blue convertible. This answered one of the many, many questions we had about his previous commercial where a nice young lady tried to seduce him — again, “him” being a talking pig — on a romantic cliff overlooking the city. Specifically, yes, he does in fact have his driver’s license. We could easily spend another hour or so discussing just this single bit of information — Did he take a standard Driver’s Ed class in high school? Did he go to people high school? Was there a separate high school for talking pigs? Is this kind of people/talking pig segregation permitted in a post Brown v. Board of Eduction America? Should it be? — but, quite frankly, there’s no time for that because HOLY SH*T he’s a homewrecker now.
Let me explain: In his latest commercial, his town has apparently been hit by a nasty hail storm, and he and a man named Ted are both attempting to get in touch with their insurance providers. Right, fine, okay. But Maxwell’s service with GEICO is supposedly so much faster than Ted’s that he gets things settled quickly and has all sorts of free time to do other stuff. Like, for example, STEAL TED’S GIRLFRIEND AND TAKE HER JET SKIING.
What in the hell is even going on here? I have so many more questions. This girl just, like, left her boyfriend because his insurance was slow? For a pig? What was his pickup line? What happened to the girl from the other commercial? Are you trying to tell me he went from someone who couldn’t pick up on obvious signals from a girl who was trying to woo him to straight-up Mr. Steal Yo Girl? And he has a jet ski, too? Can pigs even swim? What happens if the dumb thing capsizes? He just drowns? And what’s to stop Ted from throwing his piggy butt on a spit and roasting him? He’s so tiny, he could never stop him. Does the pig know self-defense? Is he a karate master? Is that what the next commercial is going to be about? I don’t see how we can that rule out at this point. Hell, he could end up running for president, winning, and negotiating peace in the Middle East. Nothing is off the table.
If I ever meet one of the people responsible for these commercials, I will ask them questions until they have me arrested.
