His brother-in-law, Ruxin, calls him a “homeless, ethnic Santa Claus.” He’s pure, unadulterated id. His best friend is a porn director known as Dirty Randy. He’s known as El Cunado. He’s Rafi, played by actor Jason Mantzoukas, and he’s The League’s unfettered psychopath; a man who goes through life blissfully unaware of his own terrible nature. While he started as a minor character, he stole every scene he was in, was given more frequent appearances, and gained popularity to the point where he was given the spotlight for entire episodes.
Here we look at some of the more outrageous, over-the-top, and downright unnerving lines that he’s spouted over the years.
“I am going to SODOMIZE you on the battlefield. I’m going to have non-consensual sex with your face AND your butt!”
To start things off with a bit of Fantasy Football banter, it quickly becomes apparent that Rafi has a colorful way of trash-talking his newfound league-mates; one that starts almost normal, but like everything Rafi does, escalates to terrifying proportions almost immediately. Kevin, of course, is the first one to receive Rafi’s psychopathic verbal onslaught.
“PYH: Protect your holes!”
Rafi shows his chops teaching self-defense to his sister and her friends in his own frank and utterly disturbing way. Put it this way, you will never ever look at a pair of nunchucks the same way again.
Ruxin finds it equal parts impressive and alarming, so much so that he hires Rafi as his bodyguard to protect his delicate sperm from “scrote-squashing season.”
“I roofied, like, 40% of the drinks here. It’s a numbers game for me.”
As the group spends the episode lamenting at what a terrible year they’ve all had (except for Pete), it all leads up to the big New Year’s Party. It’s there that Rafi reveals a key, and deeply unsettling, aspect of his strategy. Of course, it backfires on him, and almost everyone else in attendance in one of the worst ways imaginable.
“It’s like wiping peanut butter off a shag carpet!”
Ruxin gets a call from his brother-in-law from his own master bathroom simply to let him know he’s run out of toilet paper. When Ruxin asks him why he didn’t use the guest bathroom, Rafi reminds him that they’re family. Just before he ruins some of Ruxin’s special monogrammed towels.
“Jerkoff party? Let’s do this!”
While the notion of having a shared jerk off party with his brother-in-law isn’t alarming enough, it’s important to note that this happened mere seconds after Rafi said “I could watch her walk out of a room for hours” about his own sister, who’s body is “bonkers,” he also adds.
“You want her mouth or her downstairs mouth?”
Ruxin’s Au Pair, who’d been seeing Pete despite Ruxin’s disapproval, decides to enlighten him as to what a “Golden Gate Bridge” really entails in bed. Rafi shows up to help her with the task, proving himself to be surprisingly cordial and understanding about everything.
“I am day drunk. Get ready to see my d*ck.”
While Pete, Kevin, and Ruxin head to the library to find Rafi to help enact their final act of Sacko punishment on Andre, they’re greeted in a way that shouldn’t surprise any of them, yet somehow still does.
“Thank you, by the way, for not making me wear a condom. That was pretty f*ckin’ classy.”
Both Rafi and Ashley decide to make the most of their time after Pete bailed on their proposed Golden Gate Bridge. By morning, Rafi feels they really have a connection — even if he can’t quite remember her name.
“Pocket dogs. I always got a hot dog in my pocket.”
With the gang in Los Angeles to celebrate the marriage of Andre and Vanessa, Ruxin shows up to the draft to actively point out he’s not participating in the league. Of course, Rafi shows up to offer some consolation by offering him one of the hot dogs he keeps in his pocket.
“I don’t know who you are but you’re about to get chlamydia!”
It’s hard to tell what’s better here, the fact that this is during the filming of Dirty Randy’s Mayan-sacrifice-themed porno, or that he says it to star athlete Deion Sanders.
“I smell that, I go insane. Crazy bone. Hard. As. Ice.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUMgkRDL_JM
Showing up unannounced at Ruxin’s office, Rafi is reminded of the number of restraining orders against him by people in his office building, which leads to Rafi’s gleeful recollection of what smelling Garnier Fructis in a woman’s hair does to him.
“Your fetishes are getting really specific.”
You know you’re into some weird stuff when Rafi is calling you out on your sexual preferences.
“Come on in. Go between my legs.”
With Ruxin again surprised by Rafi occupying his bathroom unannounced, (a recurring theme on The League), Rafi is more than happy to accommodate his brother-in-law, so they can both relieve themselves at once. As Rafi’s always quick to point out, they’re family.
“Words are bullsh*t. They’re just useless sounds that we make with our stupid mouths.”
With Ruxin in the hospital and Andre listed in his will as the one who’ll shoulder responsibility for his Fantasy team — Rafi, as Ruxin’s brother-in-law, feels left out. After all, they’re family.
After pulling a knife on Andre and then giving him one of his own (he’s nothing if not fair), Rafi gives a concise explanation as to why he won’t be able to solve this problem, or any problem, with a simple conversation.
“Let’s all get the same girl pregnant tonight!”
Honestly, the best part of this line is the fact that to him it’s genuinely the equivalent of “have a nice time.”
