Last week, on Top Chef: Gleeful trend-killer Dana Cowin, Creepy Michael being creepy and some truly loathsome interpretations of gumbo. What follows are the random thoughts that came to mind last night as I watched the show.
– Nick opens the show with a phone call to his wife. It’s boring, so they fill in with some background. What follows is a list of the most important Nick facts..
1. He owns a flip phone.
2. He owns a Tom Brady jersey.
3. He met his wife in Atlantic City.
– Elsewhere, three of the ladies were sitting next to the inflatable above-ground pool all natural like when Emeril saunters in, trying his best to look intimidating.
The eyes of the ladies tell us what they are thinking. “Man, is he not pulling that off” and “Hey, who is the hip Asian-American man walking behind Big Pussy?”
– That’s the guest judge Eddie Huang, chef and owner of Baohaus. For those of you who aren’t cultured, “bao” is a chinese word for PORK VESSEL. It is also Emeril’s Chinese nickname.
– Sarah calls Eddie a “food archaeologist,” which is disgusting. Nobody wants to eat food that you dug out of your yard, unless you have a Korean grandmother who makes her own kimchi, in which case we should hang out more.
– Emeril announces that there will be no quickfire challenge. Everybody seems bummed. It’s out of the frying pan and straight into the elimination frying pan, or something.
– Cheftestants will be in groups of five. Jesus, do they still have 15 people on this show? That’s insane. Eliminate five before the first commercial break. Ugh. Anyway, Emeril and Eddie are talking about Louisiana’s Vietnamese population, and their importance to the local shrimping industry. They’re either going to be making Vietnamese food, or shrimp dishes. Probably both.
– A bunch of the chefs nod their heads, because they are obviously comfortable with Vietnamese cuisine. Somewhere Brett is wondering if shrimp spring rolls are Vietnammy enough.
– Travis is thrilled. He’s a Vietnamese cook, and he is in a committed relationship with a Vietnamese man. That pretty much makes him Vietnamese, right? It’s kind of like the cheftestant behind him with the bird tattoos. She may not actually be from Portland, but the bird tattoos give her mad Portland cred.
– Oh, and if you are wondering why Janine looks so shocked, it’s because the Vietnamese are an urban legend in Perth. “Throw another shrimp on the barbie or a Vietnamese will eat ya” is what they say.
– They will in fact cook Vietnamese dishes, one of which has to feature shrimp. Also, they’re going to serve their traditional dishes to the judges, and people who know what it’s supposed to taste like. The first person who describes their dish as “a play on pho” is going to be dragged out to sea in a shrimp net.
– Emeril selects the group based on who is sitting close to who. What they don’t show is the 20 minutes the producers spent trying to figure who should sit where to make for the most compelling random groupings. Reality.
– Travis’ Green Team is happy to be on a team with Travis. Well, not Stephanie. She looks pissed. Probably because Bene just whispered “Orange is the New Black is a television show, not a fashion statement” in her ear.
Bene is such a bitch.
– “No offense to Eddie or Emeril, but I could probably give them a crash course in Vietnam.” -Travis, the Vietnamese but not really Vietnamese, could be a challenger challenger to Michael, the New Orleanian but not really New Orleanian, for most annoying cheftestant.
– They hop on a bus. Sorry a luxury bus. They’re supposed to be heading out to experience the local Vietnamese cuisine for inspiration. Instead, they’re already making their menus. Shirley to incorporate some daikon, or củ cải trắng, as Travis calls it at home.
– Michael spots a Vietnamese bakery outside of the bus and immediately declares it the best bakery ever. Then he gets Emeril’s attention and says, “Hey Emeril, isn’t this the best?” (not a direct quote) and Emeril’s like “Yeah, that’s why we’re here. Shut the f*ck up.” (not any kind of quote at all)
– “I think that Michael is so fake. Like, he’s such a kiss ass. I don’t think he has any talent. I think he’s faker than…Pamela Anderson’s breasts.” I like where you were going with that, Nina, but you blew it at the end. People actually want to be around Pamela Anderson’s breasts. You should have gone with something more universally reviled, like Donald Trump’s hair, teeth or tan.
– Oh god, they’re eating all of the food and it looks amazing. They have cha siu bao and bánh mì and everything else that makes me want to drive deep into the suburbs of Virginia.
[licks peanut butter spoon]
– Now it’s time to go shrimping. OK, shrimp boats aren’t as appetizing as a Vietnamese bakery, but at least we have Janine shoveling.
AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE, and all that.
– Meanwhile, Michael trying to fist-bump with a fisherman is new levels of awkward.
– The next stop is a noodle house. Slurp slurp slurp.
– “Hits home.” -Travis, when Emeril asks how everyone likes the flavors.
– “Says the white guy.” -Me and someone* on the television at the exact same time. (*It might have actually been Travis, in a moment of self-awareness.)
– “If he’s going to be captain of Vietnam he better bring it.” That’s either Sara talking about Travis or Eisenhower talking about Ho Chi Minh.
– Time to go shopping at a Vietnamese market. Sara and Travis are teammates who both cook southeast Asian food. They also hate each other. Sara just put some of Travis’ food back on the shelf. I wonder if that will come into play in the next five minutes…
– Travis and Sara’s team doesn’t have any lemongrass. Nice work, Sara.
– “I bought way too much lemongrass. If they just ask for it, I would give them lemongrass [laugh].” -Justin, feeling pretty good about his lemongrass bumper crop.
– “If you need more Vietnamese I’m sure one of the owners will put their foot in it for you.” Eddie, who has a lot of weird things to say, and a lot of weird outfits to wear. This one is a Rob Kardashian/Duck Dynasty collabo.
– Over in Travis-land, Eddie is making fun of “Captain Vietnam” for making five Vietnamese dishes without any lemongrass.
– “They don’t use lemongrass in everything.” -Travis, in front of Eddie
– “Eddie is Taiwanese-Chinese. He only knows a little bit of what he knows. Sorry, Eddie. You’re kind of a douchebag.” -Travis, in a safe room where Eddie can’t hear him.
– Every one of those 44% must be rooting against Michael.
– Justin sees that Janine is saucing her fried shrimp. He knows that’s going to make them soggy, but in times like these, he has a Napoleon quote he lives by. “Brilliance is winning, but also not telling your opponent when they’re losing.” That’s not exactly what Napoleon said, but it’s close enough. Still, Justin should brush up on his Machiavelli quotes for next time.
– The Orange team is up first. Nicholas leads off with his own dish, a black pepper fried squid with cabbage and peanuts. That’s followed by Brian’s shrimp and pork belly spring roll, A beautiful looking fish head soup from the ever-worrisome Carlos and a beef pho from Louis. The spring roll was done right, but Carlos botched that fish head soup by adding tomato at the end. The squid was under-seasoned, and the pho lacked flavor.
– “I really don’t want to go home for this challenge, especially being Chinese. Can you imagine? I’m an Asian I got kicked off on an Asian food.” -Shirley, being kinda Asianist.
– Shirley is out to introduce the Red team’s dishes. They start with Nina and Carrie’s raw beef salad with pickled vegetables. Next up is Shirley’s Vietnamese barbecue shrimp with creole spice butter. You know it’s Vietnamese cooking because she threw the word “Vietnamese” in there. Justin made his own version of a beef pho, while Carrie finished things off with a lemon custard and caramelized bánh mì. It’s pudding and croutons. Seriously, Carrie?
– The judges really like the pho. God, I love pho.
– “I love pho.” -Michael
– “I’m so over Pho, you guys. It’s all about shoyu ramen now.” -Dana, somewhere
– Sarah brings out the Green team’s food. They open up with a pork sausage lettuce wrap from Travis. Eddie can’t wait to say how much it’s missing lemongrass. Sara and Stephanie’s duo of wraps (oxtail and shrimp) are next up. Bene and Janine put together the team’s shrimp dish. This one features a tomato sauce that Travis promised them is a super authentic central Vietnamese dish. Stephanie’s coconut macaroon desert is a nod to the flavors of Vietnamese coffee, something I could really really use right now. God this is endless.
– Travis’ dipping sauce smacked Gail in the face with shrimp paste. Padma says she was glad to be smacked in the face by something.
– “Nice. That’s how you like it?” -Gail, allowing everyone to take a break from this bullsh*t to imagine her getting rough with Padma.
– Everyone hates the fried shrimp and tomato sauce.
– “This is amazing.”
– OK, except for Bene, but he doesn’t count.
– Judgement time. The judges lay out all of their previous criticisms, only now the cheftestants get to see. Travis swears their dishes were authentic and delicious. He might take a swing at Eddie. But first, it’s time for the Red team to hear some praise. Shirley gets the win, which is crazy, because Justin made awesome pho in two hours.
– The Green team is heading back for elimination. Bene or Justin, I won’t complain about either.
– Oh hell, Sara is crying. This is going to be interminable. It’s down to two for elimination. Justin, because he came up with the tomato based shrimp dish, and Sara because she took the fall for the rice that Janine was supposed to have been making. But it’s Janine that goes. It’s like they knew she had her hands in both major failures. Bye, Janine. May your run on Last Chance Kitchen be long, and filled with cutoffs.
