Last week, on Top Chef: Roy Choi made everyone feel bad, then Nicholas freaked out over quinoa. This week, on Top Chef: A new car is up for grabs in the quickfire, so hopefully immunity is not. Then the chefs show what they’ve learned during their time in New Orleans. It should go without saying that Carlos learned he should cook Mexican food.
What follows are the random thoughts that came to mind last night as I watched the show.
-Once again, we pick things up in an emotional stew room. Nicholas admits that he’s an asshole, while Shirley confirms it for him. They all have a laugh, and now we can move on until Carlos takes one thing out of the dishwasher without emptying everything else.
-Carlos came here to cook, not to make friends. Just in case that wasn’t clear and/or you’ve never seen a reality television show before.
-Padma is joined in the Top Chef kitchen by fellow judges Tom and Gail. They have the keys to a 2014 Toyota Corolla. A Corolla? Seriously? I know a few chefs who won’t get out of bed for anything less than a Camry. So winner gets the car, and if it’s Shirley, that would make two for her. Maybe they’ll give away a garage in the finale.
-It’s a two-part quickfire, which doesn’t sound all that quick. Gail tells the chefs to make her one perfect bite on one tiny fork. She wants it to be salty, sweet, sour and a bit spicy. I wonder if she’s this demanding in the bedroom.
-Gail’s top two will move on to Tom’s portion of the challenge, which remains a mystery. Maybe he’ll request a crispy and creamy dish served on the tip of a knife.
-Nicholas is ready to fight Shirley for screwing with the temperature on the fryer. Only she didn’t actually do it. Chill out, Nicholas.
-Carlos is up first. He grilled mango and served it with shrimp and chili glaze.
-Nicholas grilled beef deckle with aged balsamic and a purple potato chip.
-Shirley stuck with the grill theme. She served tataki style flank steak with black pepper cherry, crispy onion and pickled fresno chile.
-Nina is last with her shrimp escabeche, potato aioli and pickled shallots.
-Carlos and Nicholas are headed for quickfire pt. 2. Nina’s dish was a bit greasy, while Shirley’s was a bit heavy on the soy.
-The remaining chefs will have to race up to Tom’s pedestal to choose between an eggplant and a pepper. Then they will make a dish highlighting whichever piece of produce they wind up with.
-Carlos is already planning out his eggplant marmalade while Nicholas is beating him to the produce by about four steps. This is when Nicholas casually mentions the four varsity letters he earned on the track team.
-Nicholas is going to show off his technique with two preparations of eggplant, because of course he is. He can’t use restraint because that would be too easy, or something. This is how you wind up with a carrots seven ways type disaster.
-Carlos is going the simple route with a roasted red pepper soup. Nicholas thinks that’s a cop out because it doesn’t have six unnecessary elements.
-It’s actually a fried red bell pepper soup for Carlos, which iss pureed with fennel, basil and onion.
-Nicholas roasted a disc of eggplant so that it looks like a scallop. He served that over a sriracha eggplant tahini and topped everything with chili threads.
-Carlos gets the win and a brand new car. Drown in your misery, Nicholas.
-Emeril arrives to see what the chefs have learned during their time in New Orleans. The winning dish will be featured on the menu at all of Emeril’s 36 restaurants in New Orleans. They’ll be cooking for a group of famous chefs who you may or may not know depending on whether you’ve ever bothered with Top Chef Masters.
-First things first, dinner at Emeril’s, prepared by the man himself. But before that we get a good look at that Corolla. Make fun all you want, but without product placement this show would be gone faster than The Mike O’Malley Show.
-Nina can’t choose between trout almondine and barbecue shrimp, so she’s shopping for both. Conversely, Carlos knows exactly what he’s making. A seafood mouse tamal. Yes, he’s making Mexican food, but at least it has seafood. That makes it New Orleans style, right?
-The barbecue shrimp at Emeril’s has inspired Nina to go in that direction with her dish. Then Carlos explains how his seafood mouse tamal will go away from corn. “All seafood,” he says. Sounds meta.
-Man, they really love Emeril. Maybe he really is the nicest person ever. Or maybe he’s like John Besh and he has a basement full of dead hookers (disclaimer: John Besh does not have any dead hookers in his perfect house’s perfect basement as far as I know).
-The chefs head back to Emeril’s the next day to start their last cook before the finale.
-Nicholas finally lets us in on the mystery. He’s making shrimp dumpling. Also a confit of yellowfin tuna. And charred pompano. Oh and don’t forget the butter roasted bass. Nicholas admits that his biggest weakness has been overthinking dishes. The first step is admitting it, the second step is to stop doing it, you god damn psycho.
-“There are a fair amount of elements on the plate.” -Nicholas, obviously.
-“That’s OK.” -Nicholas, shockingly after being told that Carlos is using the processor he was looking for.
-Tom and Emeril come through the kitchen to bother everyone and make them more nervous. They actually dig Carlos’s all-seafood tamal. Maybe we shouldn’t have made fun of him. Meh.
-Nina is up first, but she completely forgot about the malfatti that was supposed to bring her whole dish together. That could cost her a trip to see Padma in a bikni in Maui. Also, a chance at winning, or whatever. Mostly the Padma thing.
-The acclaimed group of chefs love her dish without the malfatti. In fact, it might be better off without it. So you can breath again, Nina. You will see Padma’s ample cleavage.
-What follows is the word-for-word description of Nicholas’s simple fish dish. Charred cobia, roasted bass and tuna confi with crispy rice and shrimp consomme. SIMPLE.
-They loved the broth but felt the fish was under-seasoned. So overcomplicated and under-seasoned. Just like every other dish he’s ever made except for his daughter’s gnocchi.
-Carlos is next, serving up his steamed seafood tamal with saffron cream sauce and pickled okra. And god damn, that does look a faithfully inspired New Orleans dish, right down to the redfish in his mouse.
-Everyone agreed that the dish worked. Go on, Carlos.
-Shirley seared a fillet of black drum with zhenjiang vinegar butter sauce, mushrooms and a “raft” of braised celery. The dish is Chinese based on appearance, but the inclusion of the local fish and the holy trinity of onions, bell pepper and celery give it the requisite local feel.
-I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that Gail and Padma are engaged in their weekly boob-off. It’s a tie, ladies. Thanks for playing.
-They must never know about these recaps.
-Nina and Shirley get the good news. Everyone loved their dishes. Then it’s on to Nick, who has to stand there and hear about how he under-seasoned another one of his epic masterpieces. Don’t worry Nicholas, this is probably the last time you’ll have to do this.
-The judges nitpick with Carlos a bit before heaping on the praise. Nicholas is looking around the room for a spare melon baller to gouge out his eyes.
-It comes down to Nicholas and Carlos, just as the old gypsy woman predicted. But first, there’s the matter of the winner. It’s Shirley, and she’s pretty happy about it. Now she gets to teach Emeril her recipe.
-“I wonder how long it takes them to flip a coin. Obviously they liked both of our dishes.” -Delusional Nicholas who could be using this time to clean and pack his knives.
-Oh sh*t, Carlos is going home. Nooooo. That’s a huge bummer. Not because I’m that sad for Carlos, but because god damn it, Nicholas is hard to deal with. The ladies don’t seem too broken up about it. Shirley definitely let out some squeals once Carlos was out of earshot.
Top Chef Top Three
Eliminated: Carlos (last week: 3)- What a load of crap. Carlos made a creative and delicious dish that embraced the challenge while Nicholas served another protein without any salt. Boooooo.
3. Nicholas- Maybe he’ll get sunstroke in Maui.
2. Nina- Just boot Nicholas and whoever wins Last Chance Kitchen and let Nina and Shirley go at each other in a seven course feast without any stupid gimmicks.
1. Shirley- Another dominant performance vaults her into the top spot. I still think Nina is going to come strong in the finale.
Next week, on Top Chef: MAUI! Coconut drinks, Last Chance Kitchen finals and a double elimination challenge.
