Last time, on Top Chef: Restaurant Wars, featuring future Washington Redskins owner David Chang. Nicholas won, and everyone cheered because Sara was sent packing before she could go full-Josie.
This week, on Top Chef: The chefs make food that takes them back home. Everyone reminisces about their hatred for Sara and her stupid hair, probably. What follows are the random thoughts that came to mind last night as I watched the show.
-The chefs sit around discussing the last challenge, while Travis enjoys some bro time with his fellow bros. None of them treat him like crap because he’s gay, which is notable because the world is filled with terrible people.
-Hubert Keller of Fleur de Lys is hanging out in the Top Chef kitchen, either to judge the Quickfire or to make time with Padma.
-Coffee will be the theme of this Quickfire, and oh good, they found a sponsor.
-It’s that place that makes crappy donuts, worse bagels and coffee for people that don’t like the taste of coffee. Sorry, New England. Everyone hates you.
-Nina brags that on a regular day she can drink 15 espressos by herself. I can’t tell if that’s more or less weird than sharing 15 espressos with another person. Bravo isn’t letting us vote on this, for some reason.
-The cheftestants get half an hour to cook food with coffee. That’s it. Nice and straight-forward. The winner gets immunity and $10,000 from this guy.
-All of Stephanie’s possessions are old and sad looking, so she’d use the money to buy a lot of stuff. Stuff is the best.
-Shirley is making a coffee crusted filet because this is an episode of Bobby Flay’s Boy Meets Grill from 2005. Might want to apply some tea tree oil on that burn, Shirley.
-Stephanie says she’s making a coffee crepe with bacon and sweet potatoes. She is racked with self-doubt, which is a very good look for her. She’s also crisping up a pan of cubed bacon, which doesn’t hurt.
-Other people are cooking other things, but we’ll get to that later. Right now we’re busy hearing the story of Carlos walking up to a strange woman and telling her that she will be his wife. That night could have gone one of two ways for her, so I’m glad to hear that 20 years later they are happily married and that she isn’t locked in his crawlspace.
-Brian is still riding high on his consecutive Quickfire wins, so he’s making coffee risotto. Let’s sit back and watch him fail. Because the risotto curse is real. It’s the anti-scallop! He doesn’t care. He’s letting his balls hang out there. His words, not mine.
-Justin made Alaskan sockeye salmon with coffee ponzu and coffee roasted eringi mushrooms.
-Carrie ran out of time in her attempt to make a stuffed crepe, so she’s left with coffee custard with candied coffee beans and cocoa nibs.
-Brian’s coffee risotto with andouille and sugar snap peas are next. He’s sweating a lot. Stirring is hard.
-Carlos has a coffee and macadamia sponge cake with mascarpone coffee sauce. Nina and Nicholas whisper about his dish. He’s making dessert! What does it mean? Carlos might be the biggest threat to Nina and Nicholas right now. If he can pull off a successful dessert in 30 minutes they may be in some trouble come finale time.
-Nicholas is excited to serve his roasted sockeye salmon with hazelnut coffee caramel and hon-shimeji mushrooms. The Top Chef kitchen has an excellent selection of mushrooms today.
-Shirley’s stupid coffee crusted steak is up next. She likes her coffee creamy, so she made a creamy garlic puree. Just wait, garlic lattes are about to become the new pumpkin lattes.
-Stephanie’s sweet potato and goat cheese coffee crepe with ham and bacon coffee jam looks…ambitious? It’s going for the sweet/salty/creamy/bitter thing. If it works she might win, if not, more self-doubt! Both judges say it’s “interesting” before they start prodding it with a fork to see what else she may have snuck in there. Stephanie could use a Xanax. Bar, not football.
-Hubert is ready with the results. Brian and Nicholas are your big losers.
-Shirley, Carrie and Stephanie are on top. Stephanie nods like she expected the famous french chef to yell at her for ruining crepes forever.
-Shirley wins for her creativity. She made coffee rubbed steak. Get the f*ck out of here, Hubert. I’m going to pronounce your name with a hard “t” out of spite from now on. Shirley gets ten grand for her new air conditioner, plus immunity.
-Padma introduces the theme for the Elimination challenge, as well as the special guest, Anthony Mackie. He was Papa Doc in Eight Mile. The one Eminem made feel bad for having parents who love each other. Remind me who the bad guy was in that movie.
-The chefs are tasked with making the one dish they want to eat when they go home. We may be about to test my “What if Carlos made his mother’s pozole every week?” hypothesis.
-Nina is making chicken curry.
-Yeah, Nina’s probably going to win.
-Carlos isn’t making pozole. Probably for the best. He’ll do pork shanks cooked in banana leaves. I think I need to get my ass to this Mexique place of his.
-Tom comes in to grill everybody over their dishes, then they wrap things up and head back to the house. And somebody else has been cooking. It’s Emeril! He’s alive. And he has soup! And now he’s leaving. Bye, Emeril. Thanks for the soup.
-Nina pulls out one of Bravo’s hilarious flip phones (do they prevent them from accessing the internet?) to call her grandmother. Maybe she missed her, maybe she’s pumping her for recipe ideas. Meanwhile, Nicholas laments the time he’s missed with his young children, and Brian gets teary-eyed talking about his father, who suffered a series of strokes.
-The cheftestants head to Leah Chase’s Dooky Chase, where they will finish off the dishes they started the day before. Brian is bummed because they don’t have a grill. Pan seared steaks it is. So much for that thoughtful homage to his father.
-Travis put too much butter in his biscuit. IS THAT A THING?
-First wave…
-Carlos: Cochinita pibil with black beans, orange pico de gallo and corn tortilla. It’s his mother’s pork, and his grandmother’s beans. There is no way that this isn’t f*cking incredible. The judges seem to agree. Homemade tortillas are always a crowd-pleaser.
-Brian: Korean BBQ New York strip with potato salad. Korean barbecue without the charcoal is never quite the same, but it still looks pretty solid. Tom is bummed about the lack of charcoal flavor. Kindred spirits, he and I. It may be 20 degrees outside, but I have a bag full of lump charcoal and a pound of paper thin short rib slices in my freezer. I’m getting ideas.
-Travis: Biscuits with maple sage sausage gravy and sour plum jam. Everything else shined, but he couldn’t hide the biscuit’s doughy center. The judges sound like gym teachers when they levy criticism like that.
-Nicholas can’t stop crying during plating. This guy really really misses his family and maybe he should go home? Not because he can’t handle the competition, but because his home life seems way more important than minor celebrity chef status.
-Second wave…
-Nicholas: He pulled himself together and served his ricotta gnudi with pancetta, peas, lemon and parmesean. It looks like a god damn painting. Aaaand, he’s crying again. Call your kids, Nicholas! It’s so good that Papa Doc wishes he was Nick’s daughter. He went to Cranbrook. That’s a private school.
-Shirley: Bravo didn’t attempt to spell her dish, and neither will I. We’re both calling it Beijing noodles, fermented bean and pork sauce with pickled radish. The judges seem to like it. Shirley won’t win, but credit to her for making something unique to her home, immunity or no.
-Stephanie: Mussels with spicy pickled peppers, tomatoes and focaccia. Tom is really into the pairing of mussel with pickled peppers. Expect to see this pop up on every modern bistro’s menu within two months.
-Third wave…
-Justin: Louisiana rice with chicken thigh gravy, pickled mirliton (chayote) and jalapeno. It’s well received, possibly because the majority of the guests are residents of Louisiana.
-Carrie: Creamed asparagus over toast with a poached egg. Everyone really loves it. Asparagus and eggs doin’ work together.
-Nina: Curried chicken with fried bakes. Humbert loves Nina’s curry, though some feel it could use rice.
-Everybody seemed to do well, as you’d expect. The cheftestants were given the freedom to cook food that means something to them, without having to shoehorn Kraft brand Philadelphia Cream Cheese into the recipe.
-Nicholas, Stephanie and Carlos are first to see the judges. It was a close competition top to bottom, but it’s clear that they are competing for the win.
-Papa Doc is making fun of Tom for his inability to catch fish. Was that scene edited out, or are these guys fishing buddies? Why isn’t that a show?
-Nicholas gets the win for his daughter’s favorite gnudi.
-Travis, Brian and Justin are up for elimination. Justin is the clear pick if they are basing this decision on my power rankings, which they definitely aren’t because this was filmed months ago, and it would be silly to base an elimination on the rankings of someone who hasn’t actually eaten any of the food.
-Brian’s dish needed the kiss of charcoal. It also needed to be short rib instead of steak, according to Emeril.
-Travis was dinged for his biscuit, but he did a good job with damage control. He admitted it didn’t work out for him, and explained that he served it because it was “home” for him. Also, because gravy in a bowl isn’t a dish, so much as it is a midnight snack.
-Justin’s dish was dry, possibly because it sat too long between plating and eating.
-Travis is going home. And I was just starting to come around on him.
Top Chef Top Eight
Eliminated: Travis (Last week: 5)- After being eliminated he told Shirley she’s now the only Asian left. There are a couple of things wrong with this. First, Brian is Asian-American. Second, YOU’RE WHITE. Having sex with Asians and cooking with a lot of fish sauce does not make you Asian.
8. Justin (9)- Pack knives, get out.
7. Carrie (8)- Still lost, and always looking amazed, for some reason.
6. Brian (6)- Perhaps Travis doesn’t consider Brian Korean after he tried to turn strip steak into galbi.
5. Stephanie (7)- Trending upward.
4. Shirley (4)- Maybe half a step behind the pack.
3. Carlos (3)- I really like Mexican food.
2. Nina (1)- The top three are pretty interchangeable at this point. Fast forward to the finale.
1. Nicholas (2)- A shakeup at the top! That gnudi really was a thing of beauty. Maybe this whole thing will come down to a gnocchi battle between Nicholas and Nina.
Next week, on Top Chef: They’re cooking for students in the LSU cafeteria, so naturally Carrie makes broccoli. Go home, Carrie. You’re done now. Elsewhere, Carlos accuses Nicholas of oven theft, and Nicholas turns the tables with accusations of sandbagging. Settle it with a knife fight, guys.
