Last time, on Top Chef: Dr. John stopped by and undid all sorts of goodwill by insisting on saying “hip tang” every thirty seconds, then they ripped off a pig’s head. Carlos won for his pozole, while Louis packed his knives and returned by whence he came.
This week, on Top Chef: Restaurant wars! But first, Restaurant Sanctions. Then a formal declaration of Restaurant War. Then a Restaurant Non-Binding Resolution. And finally, Restaurant Wars. There will be nine survivors. What follows are the random thoughts that came to mind last night as I watched the show.
-For those who aren’t familiar, Restaurant Wars is an annual episode in which the chefs split into two teams to create distinctive pop-up restaurants. It’s a highly anticipated part of the season for a few reasons. One, it generates plenty of opportunities for drama. Two, it means that the show finally down to a manageable number of cheftestants. And three, you might actually get to see things like creativity and skill rewarded. On a reality show that isn’t dominated by 13 year olds singing the hits of Motown. Crazy, right?
-The Top Chef kitchen is empty. No Quickfire. Right to Restaurant Wars. But first, we meet our guest judge.
-IT’S DAVID CHANG!
-Sure, he charges a lot for Mexican Coke, but have you had that bo ssam pork shoulder? I mean are you f*cking kidding me with that thing? Stephanie knows what I’m talking about.
-The teams are set. The green team has the winning pedigree of Nina, Carlos, Justin and Shirley, but they also have Sara. The purple team is made up of Nicholas, Brian, Stephanie, Carrie and Travis. I’ll take the purple team, if only because the green team will murder and spit-roast Sara. Not good eats.
-The cheftestants are extra concerned, because they’ll be cooking for a table of Visa Sapphire preferred cardholders or some such crap. David Chang is making a face that says, “I just this minute realized how hard I sold out.”
-And if that wasn’t enough pressure, Danny Meyer will be dining with these VIP types. This is Meyer’s second year crashing Restaurant Wars. It’s great, because nothing makes you more nervous than launching a pop-up in one day and serving the most successful restaurateur in New York. All this episode is missing is Tom telling one of the chefs that their significant other died, just as they are plating their dishes.
-“Gays belong in front of the house. Duh.” Travis is allowed to say that. If you work in a restaurant and say that then you will probably get slapped.
-The as of yet unnamed purple team is compromising with a modern american motif. It’s a compromise because it’s something that none of them specialize in. The green team is going full-seafood, which is a terrible idea. Meat should be chewed, not eschewed. I’ll leave now.
-Sara is happy to take front of the house duties, knowing that it could limit her exposure during elimination. The rest of the green team is thrilled with this turn of events, because anything that keeps her out of the kitchen is for the best. Justin and Nicholas are your executive chefs. Both are eager to prove themselves and blah blah blah. Taking the lead on Restaurant Wars is never a good idea. All of the risk without any actual reward. But hey, egos gonna ego.
-For the second straight season the chefs will go into Restaurant Wars without a kitchen. That just adds to the fun, said no one.
-And as always, the best part of Restaurant Wars is the battle over the chairs. Why do they keep trying to make this a big deal? Nobody is going home because of a chair selection, you f*cking idiots. Go make a stock, that might actually be useful in a few hours.
-They’re arguing about plates now. They have no idea what they are serving at this stupid unnamed restaurant, but they’re arguing over the plates. I hope they all decide to make soup.
-Brian’s team is cooking an all-seafood menu. And he just bought nine bottles of zinfandel. Maybe they’re for personal use?
-And that’s not Brian’s only odd purchase. He also grabbed xantham instead of agar agar. Classic modernist blunder, Brian. Good luck gelling your stupid purple corn thing now.
-The purple team is now Fin. Because seafood. The green team will be known as Found. Because we have officially run out of restaurant names. All this does is set Tom up for a hilarious “lost and found” joke later in the episode.
-Justin is all pissed off because he has huge bowls, and they’re making the dish’s star look pretty small if you know what I mean. Penis.
-There is a 99% chance of Justin totally melting down during service. He might literally stab somebody.
-Brian’s doomed scallop crudo is up first. His purple corn gel is dismissed as being “too snotty.” I’m no judge, but any level of snottiness in a garnish is probably “too snotty.” Wait, when they say “snotty” are they referring to the consistency, or are they calling it pretentious? I assumed it was the former, but both make sense. It is modernist cooking that looks like mucus.
-Over at Found, Danny Meyer is asking his Chase preferred table mates if any of them saw the menu. They did not. And now all of the tickets are filled in incorrectly. Don’t expect to see this system in place at Gramercy Tavern any time soon.
-Carrie is up next at Fin. She made a sauteed gulf shrimp with chickpea puree, oregano and lemon. Stephanie’s dish comes out immediately after. It’s beautiful plate of linguini with caviar, oyster cream and fennel. I’m going to go ahead and double down on that purple team prediction.
-Carrie’s shrimp is overcooked, but the linguini is very well received. The judges also appreciate the work Travis is doing in the dining room.
-Meanwhile, at Found: Chaos. Everything is wrong. People aren’t getting the right food. Justin blames Sara, Sara blames the kitchen. Everyone else puts their heads down and waits for them to duke it out at the judge’s table.
-Padma asks David how he names his restaurants. He admits that he named his flagship Momofuku because it sounds cool. At least he didn’t lie and say it held some deep spiritual meaning. Like Found.
-Nicholas’s roasted black drum over king trumpet mushrooms oxtail ragu is lauded as Fin’s most successful dish thus far. I thought an all-seafood menu was a problem, but the words “oxtail ragu” fixed everything. And now we know what was up with all of that red wine.
-Travis serves his dish last, which makes sense because it’s cake. Olive oil cake, specifically. Olive oil cake with green yogurt, cherries and pistachios if you want to know the whole truth. It’s good, but not as moist as some expected.
-With that the judges are done at Fin. Now they move over to Found, while Danny Meyer and his merry band of credit card holders take their place. Justin better up the moistness in that dessert of his, because Meyer’s Maialina is kind of known for their olive oil cake. Go there and order it. My wife didn’t let me.
-Welp, the VIPs are still at Found. They just got their entrees as the judges were being seated.
-David likes the look of the menu, but everyone is pretty frustrated that none of the food has actually been brought to them. So high maintenance. You see, Sara gave a “verbal fire” to Justin to get the judge’s food out, but Justin didn’t register that, possibly because the kitchen never received a ticket. Sara then brings everybody their food, then runs away without saying what it is or who made it. Just your typical Restaurant Wars debacle.
-Carlos (they think) made a red snapper crudo with avocado mouse, pickled baby carrots and friend plantano. Which I assume is like a plantain. Which I know is like a banana. The knife work on the fish was sloppy, and they aren’t shy about saying it.
-Next up is Justin’s roasted parsnip agnolotti with Mississippi rabbit and collard greens broth. They hate it. They f*cking HATE it. “This is undercooked and overcooked at the same time,” says Tom.
-Sara brings out the next round of disasters. She asks if she can get anyone anything. “Why don’t you describe the dish,” says Padma with a sharpness that Carlos’s knife apparently lacked.
-Sara begrudgingly explains Shirley’s olive oil poached cobia with blanched ong choy and salsa verde. It looks like a piece of raw chicken, but the judges really like it.
-Sara makes a point to put on another big smile, then drops off a round of dishes without a god damn word. Don’t even wait, just send her home now. Anyway, Nina made a pork tenderloin with sunchokes and trumpet royale mushrooms. Trumpets are getting lots of love today. Also, the dish is beautiful. Judges agree.
-And now Sara has to bring out her own dish, which is incomplete because the cream was a broken mess. But that doesn’t stop her from telling the judges all about it, non-existent marcapone cream and all. She tells them that she really loves this dish. “Is this your dish?” Padma asks, knowingly.
-“It’s like a weird greasy cookie.”
-The judges seem to agree that the food and service were far better at Fin. Yet none of them mention the chairs. Crazy!
-The folks from Fin are up first. It’s going to be good news. Travis did an incredible job at the front of the house. As good as the chefs have ever seen during Restaurant Wars. Everyone’s dishes were commended, except for Brian’s horrible snotty gel thing. Nicholas gets the win for his black drum with oxtail ragu.
-Now we get to the fun part. Padma totally lays into Sara for the terrible service, and remembers to call her out for only describing her own dish. [cut to her teammates looking stunned]
-Sara is blaming Justin, and Justin is blaming himself for not doing Sara’s job for her. Bold strategy, Justin. You should both go home and/or be thrown in jail for 30 days.
-Nina and Shirley both had great dishes. Carlos had a disappointing effort, but it’s Sara or Justin who will be packing their knives. They both did a terrible job with management, and neither one of their dishes redeemed their efforts.
-SARA’S GONE! Sorry. Sara was eliminated. She will be missed.
-[dances a jig]
Top Chef Top Nine
Eliminated: Sara (Last week: 10)- Everyone is happy when the show gets rid of the worst person left.
9. Justin (8)- What a dick he’s turning out to be. Also, bad food.
8. Carrie (9)- Still completely lost amid an ever-improving group of adversaries.
7. Stephanie (7)- Lurking.
6. Brian (5)- No Quickfire meant no Quickfire win. He automatically loses a spot because of that blue corn gel disaster.
5. Travis (6)- An impressive showing at the front of the house, and a solid dessert to boot. Take that, dad.
4. Shirley (4)- This is where the top tier of cheftestants begins.
3. Carlos (2)- If he made his mother’s pozole every week would the judges even complain?
2. Nicholas (3)- Did he win because he had the best dish from the winning group, or because of his take-charge expediting? The former, I’m guessing.
1. Nina (1)- She knows that it’s best to lay low during Restaurant Wars while the crazy people go after each other.
Next week, on Top Chef: Nicholas crying, apparently.
