This week on Top Chef, the chef-testants packed up and headed out to Palm Springs, apparently the gayest vacation spot, and the West Coast’s answer to Fire Island. It was there that they indulged in the gay national pastime (golf?) and cooked the local cuisine of Palm Springs (any food that takes your mind off the fact that it’s really f*cking hot).
First, the contestants and crew took what must’ve been a massive caravan of equipment and ingredients way out to the middle of the desert to cook with special equipment that utilizes solar energy. “The cleanest energy there is,” according to Padma.
Who knows how much gas and food they wasted getting out there to utilize such equipment? But hey, nothing’s too wasteful for the cause of promoting green energy. Jose Andrés was there to judge. Did you immediately recognize Jose Andrés for his liquid olives? Guess what, friend, this is a sign that you and I have watched entirely too much food television (#sorrynotsorry).
Anyway, Gisselle broke her solar oven, Phillip served Padma oysters on top of a rock in 120-degree heat, Amar talked some sh*t, and they all drove back to Palm Springs to cook food in refreshment carts at a windy golf course. MMM, STUNT FOOD. Hey, is this Top Chef or XXXTREME Chef? I’m just ball-busting, I will never, ever stop watching this show.
In any case, Phillip acted obnoxious, Jason revealed that he’s gay (sorry, ladies), and Angelina inexplicably stuck around for another episode. How the f*ck is she still here?! I think the favorites are starting to reveal themselves. But first!
Padma Lakshmi Outfit Watch
An episode full of brutal heat, sunshine, and hot tubs, and this is the skimpiest outfit you could find for Padma? For shame, Bravo, for shame. Also, what the hell is going on with that top? It looks like she’s wearing Cleopatra’s haircut on her chest. “And now back to Padma Lakshmi’s shirt, in AN EVENING OF TOO MANY FLAPS.”
Review Quote Of The Week
“Just like in golf, there are no mulligans in cooking.” -Tom Colicchio, the greatest philosopher of our times.
POWER RANKINGS
1. Jeremy (+1)
Nickname(s): Fratdad, Totino
Dish (with Karen): Citrus-marinated halibut with kumquats, passion fruit, caviar and avocado mousse.
Review Soundbites:
“I could’ve used a little more spice, but this is outstanding.”
“That was a nice touch to keep it cold.” (Because Palm Springs is hot, you see. Cooking is rocket science.)
“I think the flavors are really great.”
Quote: “Coming from you that’s huge.” (Future drinking game note: Drink every time a contestant references how famous a guest judge is).
Jeremy has been hanging around the upper echelons of this competition from the beginning, and he won this week, so he has to be the odds-on favorite at the moment. He keeps making simple-sounding seafood dishes and the judges keep loving it. Also, his chillaxed attitude is contagious. That’s probably why his ceviche came out the chillest.
2. Karen (+3)
Nickname(s): Rosie the Riveter, Hot Topic
Dish (with Jeremy): Citrus-marinated halibut with kumquats, passion fruit, caviar and avocado mousse.
Review Soundbites: (see above)
Quote of the Week: N/A
Karen was in the top team this week (with Jeremy) after being in the top three last week and still managed to fly under the radar. I’m not quite a Karen believer just yet, but I feel like I have to put her here after two top three finishes in a row. Next week will tell us if she belongs here or if she was just basking in Jeremy’s vibe.
3. Isaac (+6)
Nickname(s): Cajun Man, Cornbread, Roux McClanahan
Dish: Sabayon with tequila-whipped cream and lemon shortbread almond crumble
Review Soundbites:
“The grapefruit flavor is perfect for the desert setting.” (Editor’s Note: The f*ck?)
Quote of the Week: (On Frances getting eliminated) “Aw, I was just starting to understand her.”
The middle of the pack is an impossible muddle, but Isaac came out hot in the quickfire, landing in the top three for his HATCH PEPPAH COAN BREAD. Then he made an even Frencher-sounding dish in the elimination challenge, ho ho ho! The judges seemed to appreciate for its grapefruitiness, though they didn’t single him out for praise. Hard to say if Isaac is a real favorite just yet, but the camera loves Isaac like Grandmama Toups love BUTTAH.
4. Kwame (-3)
Nickname(s): Wormser, The Prodigy
Dish (with Chad): Marinated swordfish with tuna and tangerine sweet potato emulsion.
Review Soundbites:
“You had sweet, sour, salty, you had this great flavor.”
“I felt it was a little bit warm.”
“I liked it, a little on the sweet side.”
“I didn’t quite find the sweet potato flavor.”
Quote of the Week: N/A
Until we get to the bottom three, these are all sort of a crapshoot. But Kwame was ahead last week, and the judges seemed mostly positive on this week’s Kwame offerings. Even if some people (*cough* John Besh! *cough, cough*) didn’t find it sweet potato-y enough (weirdest criticism ever?). The important thing is that Kwame still seems happy to be there. Remember, this is a guy who sold candy on the subway to fund his pop-up restaurant (how do they not mention this in every show? this is by far this season’s most important Top Chef Fact).
5. Wesley (+7)
Nickname(s): Sad Sack, Chef Tomsula
Dish (with Carl): Roasted pork loin with yogurt, green chili, apples, and grapes.
Review Soundbites:
“I was expecting the grape to be something cold.”
“This is really tasty.”
Quote: “I used to be really fit.” (along with an old photo of Wesley as a college pole vaulter).
Wesley really bounced back this week after last week’s sous vide disaster and subsequent session of bro therapy with Kwame. This week, Wesley started out strong, winning immunity in the quickfire. Then he stayed strong, turning out a pork loin (Jesus, more pork loin?) that the judges seemed to like, despite a distinct lack of sufficiently chilled grapes (CHILL YOUR GODDAMNED GRAPES FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, WERE YOU RAISED IN A BARN?). To what can we credit Wesley’s amazing turnaround? I like to think that Kwame is just that inspirational. Guy sold candy on the subway for God’s sake.
6. Jason (even)
Nickname(s): Poindexter, Tolerable Alton Brown, Mr. Sensitive
Dish (with Marjorie): Grilled shrimp with summer squash, roasted eggplant puree, and tomato celery salad.
Review Soundbites:
“I like the flavor development in the squashes.”
Quote of the Week: “It’s… a lot of bros being loud.” (Jason, on why he doesn’t like chilling in the hot tub).
Jason is holding steady at number six, and this week was notable more for him coming out and later being annoyed by the other more bro-y chefs than for his food. The judges seemed to like his food though! They loved the flavor development in his squashes. Have you ever tried to develop flavor in your squashes? That sh*t’s not easy, son.
7. Amar (even)
Nickname(s): Big Sleazy, The Latin Soundbite Machine
Dish (with Gisselle): Spice-rubbed New York strip with bacon, asparagus, potato salad, and salsa verde.
Review Soundbites:
“There are like two sides to this dish, and as a whole it’s maybe not something I would enjoy.”
“It tastes better than it looks.”
“I wish the marinade came through a little more.”
Quote of the Week: (about Phillip) “Oyster on a piece of rock. What’s wrong with you, bro?”
Amar was in the middle of the pack in the quickfire and again in the elimination challenge, but I’m ranking him above some of the others because I think you have to factor in the degree of difficulty here. Amar was paired with Gisselle, the kiss of death, and they still made it out unscathed. He also had this week’s best soundbite (see above) and received the most backhanded compliment. (It tastes better than it looks.) At the very least, the editors like Amar.
8. Carl (-4)
Nickname(s): Mini Alex Smith, The Enigma
Dish: Roasted pork loin with yogurt, green chili, apples, and grapes.
Review Soundbites:
“I was expecting the grape to be something cold.”
“This is really tasty.”
Quote of the Week: “Hi, guys, I’m Car–” (*cut to a commercial*)
If I’m not mistaken, Carl has yet to be on the top, or the bottom of any challenge to date. He gets almost as little screen time as Marjorie. Does anyone know what’s going on with Carl? Someone find out what’s going on with Carl and report back to me.
9. Marjorie (+2)
Nickname(s): Mike Ms.abella, Who?
Dish (with Jason): Grilled shrimp with summer squash, roasted eggplant puree, and tomato celery salad.
Review Soundbites:
“I liked the flavor development in the squashes.”
Quote of the Week: N/A
Marjorie won a few weeks ago for her dessert, which is why I’m putting her above Chad, but other than that, Marjorie is a complete mystery. Not for nothin, the judges liked the flavor development on her squashes.
10. Chad (-7)
Nickname(s): Rad Chad, Rockabilly Bob, The Badboy of IT
Dish (with Kwame): Marinated swordfish with tuna and tangerine sweet potato emulsion.
Review Soundbites:
“You had sweet, sour, salty, you had this great flavor.”
“I felt it was a little bit warm.”
“I liked it, a little on the sweet side.”
“I didn’t quite find the sweet potato flavor.”
Quote of the Week: (sitting in the hot tub) “This makes it all worth it, bro.”
Chad is another guy that never seems to be in the top or the bottom. Should he be higher? Should he be lower? Maybe. And I still want to see his forearm tats. Also, swordfish is like, one of the shittiest fish. It’s the broiled chicken breast of fishes.
10. Phillip (even)
Nickname(s): Chef Top Knot, The Weez
Dish: Coconut pudding with strawberries, basil and rum lime air (aka, a foam).
Review Soundbites:
“It’s like snot on a rock.” (quickfire)
“This is the weirdest experience I’ve ever had.”
“I like the fresh strawberries and the basil.”
“I don’t know if the coconut and the strawberry work together, at least for me.”
“Is this the texture you were looking for? Yeah, it’s really weird.”
Quote(s) of the Week:
“This is my wife’s recipe. Did you guys know she’s a model?”
“There’s rocks everywhere. Why not eat with your hands off of stone?”
“I wanted to plate on part of the desert.”
The bottom third starts with Phillip. Up until now, it’s seemed like Phillip has been making good food, that the judges refuse to recognize on account of they’re blinded by how annoying he is. That’s still basically the case, but Phillip also got put in the bottom officially during the quickfire. Phillip will hang around for a few more weeks, and that’s good, because he makes for great TV.
11. Gisselle (+2)
Nickname(s): The Whiny One
Dish (with Amar): Spice-rubbed New York strip with bacon, asparagus, potato salad, and salsa verde.
Review Soundbites:
“There are like two sides to this dish, and as a whole it’s maybe not something I would enjoy.”
“It tastes better than it looks.”
“I wish the marinade came through a little more.”
Quote of the Week: “She called me a bitch!”/ “This is Jose Andres, and I just broke his little oven??”
Give Gisselle a little credit for refusing to partner with Angelina this week. A wise choice, even if Gisselle was no prize partner herself. Other than that, she broke her solar oven, landed in the bottom three during the quickfire, and complained a lot, but managed to do just well enough to be better than Angelina or Grayson. Nice job! The only question now is, will Gissell she get kicked off next week, or Angelina? Place your bets!
12. Angelina (+2)
Nickname(s): Angstelina, Seriously? She’s Still Here?
Dish (with Grayson): Avocado, chorizo, shrimp, and corn.
Review Soundbites:
“I wish you did something with the corn uncooked, to bring a little more freshness.”
“The corn was overcooked.”
“It sticks to your teeth.”
Quote of the Week: “I don’t want to go home, so that answers your question about that.”
Angelina has pictures of Tom Colicchio naked. That is the only explanation I have. She has been in the bottom of literally every elimination challenge and most quickfires and she’s somehow still here.
13. Grayson (-5) ((ELIMINATED))
Nickname(s): The Mouth
Dish (with Angelina, see above).
Quote: “I really liked our dish!”
Jesus Christ, people, how many times do I have to tell you? If the judges didn’t like your dish, do not disagree with them. There is zero upside. Tom Colicchio is very petty. Padma will fight you. Richard Blaise will continue smiling but award you at least one less heart on the Valentines he mails out. This week, Grayson was brimming with confidence from last week’s triumph, and was all, “Angelina? Sure, I’ll partner with Angelina!”
Pride cometh before a fall. Hey, Grayson, did you not notice that Angelina has been in the bottom of every challenge and inexplicably never gets kicked off? Grayson may not have deserved to get booted this week based on her food, but she definitely deserved it on account of being a terrible strategist.
Next Week:
During the second leg of their Palm Springs stay, supermodel Chrissy Teigen entices the chefs to make their best Quickfire “date” dishes. And in a Top Chef first, the chefs cater a wedding for 25 gay couples in an emotional Elimination Challenge. Minister Padma Lakshmi officiates, and once the festivities are over, chef Art Smith and the other judges divorce one chef from the competition.
I can’t wait.
Vince Mancini is a writer and comedian living in San Francisco. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.
