Well, apologies for missing last week, but at long last, Total Divas is back for the final half of the sixth season of the greatest show to ever exist. I certainly hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to be trying something a bit different in terms of format for the remainder of the season. Rather than a blow-by-blow recap, I’m going to be highlighting the best, brightest, and most ridonkulous moments of each episode.
This first column will feature 10 moments from the first two episodes of the back half of this season, and we’ll probably highlight five or so moments from each episode going forward. I hope you like it, but not as much as I hope you’re watching this show. Let’s enjoy it now, before Eva Marie leaves us forever. (Please don’t let that rumor be true. Please, please, please.)
And now, the 10 most absurd moments from season six, episodes 11 and 12 of Total Divas.
Carrano’s suit
Head Divas mucky-muck Mark Carrano must have finally gotten the number of John Cena’s tailor, because when he first popped up on last week’s episode, he was wearing this … whatever-it-is that Cesaro had a great time goofing on. It takes someone of Cena’s stature or mentality to pull off a garish suit. And as much as I enjoy the antics of ICE COLD MARK CARRANO … he’s not pulling this off. Sorry, bud.
MARKSHANE
Look, I’m not here to crap on anyone’s name. A name is a name is a name, and all names are equally absurd. That said, this is MARKSHANE, the Bellas’ trainer. And he owns MARKSHANE’s Gym. That’s all. I just wanted to make sure everyone was aware of MARKSHANE, because he was only around long enough for his name to pop up. And that’s not nearly enough MARKSHANE.
Jonathan’s attempt at a compliment
As Eva Marie is stressing out before the Draft, she has a lovely lunch with her family. Her mother, father, and husband pump her up about how dedicated she has been to wrestling and how much she’s improved. But Jonathan, god bless his deep-V heart, can’t manage anything more eloquent than, “Your repertoire of wrestling has increased ridiculous.” Very well-said, Jonathan. It HAS increased ridiculous.
Shayna Baszler being better at wrestling than Nattie
One thing I definitely didn’t expect from the second half of this season was for the Queen of Spades, Shayna Baszler, to make her WWE debut on Total Divas, of all places. Baszler hasn’t been doing pro wrestling full-time for long, but like her MMA brethren Matt Riddle, she has taken to it like a fish out of water. And she’s already scored at least one WWE tryout, and will probably be in WWE full-time before we know it.
Anyway, Nikki asked Baszler to come be her sparring partner for some mock matches/rolling while getting back into ring shape, and when Nattie shows up aghast that they’re doing some neck work in their mock matches, Baszler astutely points out that any potential opponents for Nikki will definitely target her neck, because she’s coming back from a serious neck injury. Psychology! Nattie spends much of episode 11 fretting about Nikki being fragile, but it’s crazy not only that Shayna Baszler is on Total Divas, but that she said one of the most on-point things I’ve ever heard a wrestler say on WWE television.
Draft drama
The bulk of the second-half season premiere, of course, was devoted to last summer’s WWE Draft. Mostly, everyone was worried that they would be separated from their significant others, but Lana also seemed to take being separated from Nattie particularly hard. Nattie. In the end, the only couple that was actually split up was Paige and the off-camera Alberto Del Rio, because of reasons. Highlights of the somewhat-manufactured drama included Eva Marie loudly boasting that she got drafted to Raw when she in fact had gotten drafted to Smackdown, and John Cena boasting that he’ll try his best to make it to the top after being a 12th-round selection.
The Baywatch photo shoot
This was … something else, man. Maryse and Eva Marie decide to do a joint “something nice” for their husbands (spurred on by Maryse’s celebrating Miz returning from Vancouver … where she was just with him like a week ago, if you can remember all the way back to the beginning of the season). They eventually decide to do a joint sexy Baywatch-themed photo shoot. It becomes a whole thing, as you would expect, but the weirdest part is that all their photos are posed together at the end. That goes from “nice gesture” to “weird trap” in exactly zero steps. “Hey welcome home, honey, here’s the butts of me and our good friend” is possibly the most bizarre gift someone can give you. In my humble opinion, anyway. And I like butts.
A woman has never turned off the lights before
Naomi finally gets a chance to try out her “Feel the glow” entrance and gimmick, and she’s very nervous about it. Natalya pops by to make her even more nervous about it by pointing out what a big deal it is that WWE is willing to turn off all the lights in the arena for her entrance, because they’ve only ever done that for Undertaker and Bray Wyatt before. That’s not a thing, Natalya. I don’t know why you’ve decided to make that a thing. They’ve probably turned off the lights for Papa Shango and Damien Demento or whatever. Stop just making stuff up to cause further anxiety in people. Stop it.
Painful spa day
Like I said, the Baywatch shoot becomes a whole thing. Maryse does a five-day whole cleanse to get in proper shape for the photo shoot, and also takes Eva Marie for a wrap at the spa, preceded by extremely painful exfoliating which Eva is in NO WAY prepared for. They then get baked under heat lamps and the spa attendant then gets very, very into the amount of sweat Maryse generates, making sure to rub her gloved hand all over the sweat to demonstrate how sweaty. It was painful for them, and painful for us. Everybody hurts. Sometimes.
Tooth glow
The weirdest thing about Naomi’s run-throughs of her “Feel the glow” entrance was the light-up mouthguard she wore, which rendered her unable to talk. When she was showing it off for Jon at their home, I was like, “Oh man, good thing she ditched that.” And then they showed the video of her actual entrance and she LEGITIMATELY USED IT in at least her debut of the gimmick. That’s wild, man. Again, good thing she ditched that. But that’s SO AWKWARD. It’s like holding a novelty Disneyland cocktail ice cube in your mouth. Not fun.
Dean Ambrose, least romantic
True to Dean Ambrose form, Renee Young wants ONE NICE DINNER out while she and Dean are on vacation in Lake Tahoe, but Dean rolls his eyes through buying a suit, refuses to comb his hair, and then Paul Rudd in Wet Hot American Summer-style sighs and slumps his shoulders all through their dinner at a mid-grade Italian restaurant. He can’t even be cool for ONE DAY.
Yes, he eventually says his first sweet thing ever when he points out that Lady and the Tramp‘s pasta scene (which he acknowledges is the most romantic movie scene of all time) took place in an alley, but come on. I get that Renee and Dean love each other for reasons, and that he’s just gotta be who he’s gotta be, but if your significant other wants you to be cool and dress up for one lousy night just get over yourself.
Anyway, we’ll talk to you next week, when Paige gets suspended and Maryse sends a nude selfie to Dolph Ziggler by accident, or something.
