On Tuesday, former White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson dropped some major bombshells about Donald Trump allegedly acting like a bratty toddler trying to overthrow democracy as we know it on January 6th—and Trevor Noah wanted to talk about that. But first, he got right down to “some good news,” by which he meant the now-infamous slap on the back given to Rudy Giuliani at a Staten Island ShopRite on Sunday, which the former New York City mayor swears felt like a gunshot—and could have killed him. “Thankfully,” Noah explained, “Rudy is now doing okay after just barely surviving a heinous drive-by on his upper back.”
When Noah’s audience dared to laugh, he mockingly chastised them:
“Don’t you dare laugh! This is second degree assault! That’s how tough New York’s laws are. Third degree is if you lightly blow on someone’s ear. And first degree is if you boop them on the nose. Boop!”
Noah clarified that he doesn’t think it’s right for anyone to be putting their hands on another person—even if it’s Rudy—without their consent. “But, no way in hell is that second degree assault,” he said of what the footage of the “attack” shows to be best, at best, a slightly aggressive tap on the back. “If that’s assault then, what? I guess Will Smith murdered Chris Rock?!” But Noah wasn’t even close to done:
“I love how they say ‘Rudy declined medical attention.’ Medical attention for what? For what? That’s the kind of injury where the only thing you could do is kiss it and make it feel better. That’s it… In fact, if anyone needs medical attention here, it’s the guy who touched Rudy Giuliani. That dude’s hand probably looks like Dumbledore’s after he bare-handed a Horcrux.”
Noah’s favorite part of the entire saga is how each time Rudy recounts the terrifying details of the moment a grocery store employee patted him on the back, “the more the slap seemed to hurt.” While Giuliani began with explaining how he stumbled forward, which would be enough to kill an elderly man like himself. From there, it progressed to feeling like a boulder, then a gunshot. But the most entertaining retelling might have been when Newsmax nincompoop Greg Kelly told Rudy that “it really doesn’t look that bad,” and Giuliani attempted to pretend like what Kelly was reacting to was the woman who rubbed his back (ewwww!) following the vicious assault—then claimed that she nearly fell over because of the “reverberations.”
REVERBERATIONS!
"I gotta be honest, it doesn't look that bad" — a Newsmax host to Rudy Giuliani on video of his "assault" pic.twitter.com/FsJ3xZggVc
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) June 28, 2022
“He slapped me so hard my eyeballs fell out,” Noah teased, “and I, I, I had to pick them up and put them back in. You all saw it. You saw it. He slapped me so hard I shit out the side of my face two years ago. Yeah, that’s how hard it was.”
You can watch the full clip above.
