Drew Magary’s Unabashed Love For Rum & Diet Coke Will Not Be Deterred By Big Cocktail

Drew Magary is the author of Someone Could Get Hurt: A Memoir of Twenty-First-Century Parenthood. Previously, Drew was one of the co-founders of Kissing Suzy Kolber, and for that he’ll always be part of the UPROXX family. A noted vulgarian, Drew also writes for Deadspin, Gawker and GQ and has written two other books previously: The Postmortal and Men With Balls: The Professional Athlete’s Handbook. You can read an excerpt from Someone Could Get Hurt over at Longreads.

Drew was nice enough to take a few minutes out of his busy schedule recently to answer a few of our questions.

1. You walk into a bar. What do your order from the bartender?

Usually a rum and Diet, which makes me a 45-year-old Florida woman. I am trying to broaden my horizons though, now that every trendy bar has some signature cocktail made from rye, muddled star anise, eight different kinds of bitters, and a dash of mango foam. But I have a sh*tty track record for ordering those things. Someone else will smartly order the deconstructed Dark & Stormy while I’m stuck with a mason jar filled with wiper fluid.

2. Who’s your favorite person to follow on Twitter?

@PFTcommenter. He’s great, plus he breaks up the feed. A lot of places like Vulture and Grantland and the AV Club will just tweet out the same news bit within five minutes of each other. You need a handful of accounts that break up the string, and he works really well. I need a dash of aggressive satirical stupidity in between news about what’s next for Rebel Wilson’s career.

3. What’s currently waiting for you on your DVR/TiVO?

It’s pretty clean right now. The kids have colonized the f*cker to such a degree that my shows take up roughly 10% of the space. I have to wade through six pages of “Austin & Ally” and “Thomas & Friends” to get to whatever shit is mine. Sometimes, I’ll accidentally leave what I want at the bottom of the priority list and their awful shows will prevent it from being recorded. I’m not pleasant to be around when that happens. WAHHHHHH MY MIRACLE TV STORAGE DEVICE COULDN’T READ MY MIND WAHHHHHHHH

4. It’s your last meal — what are you going out with?

The wife and kids. Then the kids would scream and throw sh*t and we’d leave after ten minutes. Way to ruin Daddy’s last burger before he hits the electric chair, gang.

5. What websites do you visit on a regular basis?

I don’t stray far from Twitter anymore, because any site I visit usually has links on their feed. Sometimes I hit the Superficial to see if Miley Cyrus has a new terrible haircut. Or I go to Realtor and look at houses in Montana, just because. You can get a 20-bedroom elk lodge in Montana that has 100-mile views in any direction for about four dollars. I’m a moron to live where I live.

6. What’s the most frequently played song on your iPod?

It used to be “Millionaire” by QOTSA. I used to start off every run with that song. It was my signature intro. AND NOW… RUNNING FIVE MILES AT A NINE-MINUTE PER MILE CLIP… PUT YO HANDS TOGETHA FOR DREWWWWWWWW… I used to imagine a giant stage curtain parting for me right when the drums kicked in.

But I’ve changed computers and re-installed iTunes too many times now to have an accurate gauge of my real Most Player history. It says “The Descent” by Bob Mould right now, but that’s only because I’ve erased any and all records of all the times I’ve listened to “Cherish.”

7. The first face that comes to mind when you think “punchable”?

Malia Obama. I’m just kidding.

8. What’s your favorite meme?

Twit Tom Brady

9. Dogs or cats?

Dogs. My neighbor has a cat and the cat is actually quite friendly. It’s real nice to the kids, and I don’t know how to reconcile my lifelong hatred of cats with the fact that this cat is all right. I feel like I’m breaking some kind of commandment.

10. Best concert of your life was…?

Poison and Warrant during the Flesh & Blood tour at the old Met Center in Bloomington, MN back in 1990. During the show, Bret Michaels told security to let people sit wherever they wanted and so all the people in the stands came down to pack the main floor. I was 14 at the time so this was like the coolest thing ever. I know Poison is lame as shit, but I was a kid, so I’m excused. When you go to a rock concert at that age, you really do feel like you’re about to orgasm out of your face.

I also saw Foo Fighters at the Astoria in London and that was awesome.

11. What book are you most likely to give as a gift?

I just give people the Amazon card now. There’s no point in me trying to be Phil Jackson and force my literary tastes on other human beings. People would rather just pick out the sh*t they wanted all along.

But gun to my head, I’d give them “Over the edge of the world” because if you don’t like you’re stupid.

12. What’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?

When I got arrested for DUI four years ago (more about that in Someone Could Get Hurt), my friend waited at the police station for me to get processed and then drove my ass home. AND re-parked my car so that it wouldn’t get impounded. That was pretty solid.

13. South Park or Family Guy?

South Park. The Cartman voice just never stops being funny. I don’t know how that’s possible, but it’s true. I’d watch a 24-hour channel of news read in the Cartman voice. It has no expiration date.

14. You have an entire day to do whatever you want. What would you do?

I’d spend it with my wife and kids…

(waits for wife and kids to leave the room)

They’re gone, right? Okay, scrap all that. I hop on a flight to Anguilla, I land at the airport, I buy a six-pack of Carib or some other island piss, I smoke a joint and then I walk into the sea with all my clothes on and the six-pack in my hand. And then I start drinking. Then I have a butler swim out to me wearing a full tuxedo carrying a silver platter with twelve pounds of lobster meat piled on top.

15. What movie can you not resist watching if it’s on?

Now that we have the Internet, I can resist pretty much any movie. Like, even if it’s a movie I love, I’ll gladly pause right in the middle of Heath Ledger putting the knife in the guy’s mouth to dick around on Twitter. The internet has made me an awful person.

16. Android or iPhone?

iPhone, although I don’t think that makes any big personal statement about me. Like, if you have one of those Apple stickers on your car, kill yourself.

17. Where did you eat the best meal of your life?

On the last book tour in Chicago, I had lunch by myself at Portillo’s. I had a dipped Italian beef sandwich and a hot dog and a cake shake. My life can now be separated into Eating At Portillo’s and Waiting To Eat At Portillo’s Again.

18. The last movie you saw in a theater?

Dark Knight Rises
. It was a midnight show that started at 1:15am because the projector broke. So many angry nerds. I was livid about it until I woke up the next morning and heard about the Aurora massacre. Suddenly my grievances looked pretty f*cking stupid.

19. Who was your first celebrity crush?

Kerri Kendall, the Playboy Centerfold. I kissed the pages. I really did. I would crack open the issue and lick the goddamn page like an animal. Teenage boys are barely human.

20. What would you cook if Nic Cage was coming to your house for dinner?

Something you can eat with your hands. Big Junior hates the taste of metal in his mouth.


Follow Drew on Twitter here and on Tumblr here and buy his book here.

Here’s a trailer for the book…

(Previously: Timothy Simons from Veep)