It’s Secret Santa season, the time of the year when you’re forced to buy cheap “holiday” presents for your fellow office workers because a memo from the Powers That Be tell you to. It’s a wonderful strife…going on in your head because it’s likely that you hate many of the people you work with (HI DANGER AND DUSTIN), but you still have to give them something. But rather than begrudgingly purchasing an iTunes gift certificate for the third straight year, or another item they’d actually enjoy, a much better option is to buy them a present that slyly shows what you actually think of them. In other words: that you abhor them.
Here are 10 such last-minute, $15-or-less options.
“Murphy Brown”: The Complete First Season ($12.34)
What This Gift Says: “I hear you love “The Office.” Yeah? Then you’ll adore the first season of the original workplace comedy, “Murphy Brown.” You can thank me later.”
Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives: An All-American Road Trip…with Recipes! by Guy Fieri ($13.59)
What This Gift Says: I find you extremely loud and obnoxious and believe you would feel very comfortable following the advice of another extremely loud and obnoxious person. Also, you’re fat.
Regis Philbin: My Personal Workout [VHS] ($3.36)
What This Gift Says: You’re REALLY fat, and need advice on how to lose weight from a senile old man (and Gelman). You also likely still have a VCR.
Eight Minutes of Performance from Celebrity Impersonator Mr. Beans ($15)
What This Gift Says: “I hear this Mr. Bean guy is all the rage today, but his booking fee was a little over our $15 limit. So, instead, I did some research and found the next best thing: Mr. Beans. He’ll be in the office next week, to perform for you for exactly three minutes, no more and no less. Enjoy!”
Eight Is Too Much Kate Gosselin Wig ($13.88)
What This Gift Says: You’d look SO much better if your hair looked more like Kate Gosselin’s.
Used “Gossip Girl” the TV Series 2009 Wall Calendar ($1)
What This Gift Says: You don’t even deserve to know the correct year, or even own a new calendar.
“Tyler Perry’s House of Payne,” Vol. 3 ($14.99)
What This Gift Says: It’s not so much what it says, but what it implies. Give it to someone – someone white – and with a straight face, declare, “I really think you’re going to like this show. It’s SO funny.” Then there’s no way he or she will think it’s an ironic present, and they’ll be forced to actually watch a Tyler Perry show: the worst gift of them all.
Couplehood and Babyhood by Paul Reiser ($8)
What This Gift Says: You’re too dumb to find “Seinfeld” funny, and you need both spousal and parenting advice. Because you are a bad husband and father.
Single Friday Ticket for EyeCon: “The Vampire Diaries” 3 Celebrity Convention ($40)
What This Gift Says: “Oh, the convention’s in Atlanta? That’s not that far from New York. That’s totally not an inconvenience, right, man? True, there’s only one ticket, and it’s on a weekday, but I have no doubt you can have fun hanging out with “Vampire Diaries” fans by yourself, rather than prepare for March Madness. I mean, I’d be offended if you didn’t go, considering I paid over the $15 limit for the ticket…”
Episodes 2, 3, 6, 9, and 10 of “Whitney” ($9.95)
What This Gift Says: I don’t even respect you enough to buy you every episode of “Whitney.”
