Parks and Recreation (NBC, 8:00 & 8:30 p.m.) – As if dealing with the fact that Amy Poehler will not be back to host the Golden Globes next year wasn’t enough, now the time has finally come to say goodbye to her and the rest of the Pawnee gang beginning with their seventh and final season premiere tonight. As we bid a fond farewell to the show let’s remember the happier times: Duke Silver and his saxophone skills, useless Larry, cheese, waffles, Joe Biden, the majestic, woodworking patriot that is and always will be Ron Swanson and a special sayonara to that do-gooder politician Leslie Knope. You were a feminist before being a feminist was cool again. “Hos Before Bros, Uteruses Before Duderuses, Ovaries Before Brovaries.” Knope for life (said while metaphorically thrusting a Judd Nelson fist in the air).
MasterChef Junior (Fox, 8:00 p.m.) – The tiny chefs puzzle an age-old question: What exactly is sausage made of? Oh, and Gordon Ramsay gets more than a few pies to the face.
Pretty Little Liars (ABC Fam, 8:00 p.m.) – Sorry to say prison orange just isn’t Allison’s color. Meanwhile Toby’s looking pretty good in his fancy police duds but even with his newly gained access the group still isn’t any closer to finding out who “A” is. Then again, does that even really matter anymore?
Dance Moms (Life, 9:00 p.m.) – The moms are focused on hating Abby while Maddie and Kalani have the dirtiest dance battle two 12 year-olds can have. I’m really just hoping Shia LaBeouf makes a surprise cameo at some point to show all these pre-teen b*tches up.
Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 9:00 p.m.) TLC is giving us yet another opportunity to awe at the cuteness of the Gosselin kids (Mady excluded) and simultaneously marvel at Kate Gosselin’s truly terrible parenting philosophy.
Marvel’s Agent Carter (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) – Still investigating the disappearance of Howard Stark’s technology, a blow is dealt to Agent Carter when those incompetent sexist douche bags at the SSR arrest Jarvis. Besides the fact that Hayley Atwell is incredible on this show, another reason to watch is for the Carter/Jarvis relationship. They’re like the cooler, vintage Batman/Robin duo.
New Girl (Fox, 9:00 p.m.) – Winston gets into that whole new-age crystal-wearing hippie thing, Schmidt gets an ulcer and Jess gets in trouble for showing her British boyfriend favoritism at school.
The Mindy Project (Fox, 9:30 p.m.) – It’s Lee Pace! He’s here, he’s beautiful and he’s decidedly more handsome, rich and less nerdy than when Mindy was hooking up with him back in college.
Chicago Fire (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) – It’s only been half a season but we’re finally getting some more details about Shay’s shocking death in the Season 3 premiere as Severide and Dawson dig up some new evidence. Meanwhile the firehouse bonds over a tragic car accident and Chief Borden gets some parenting advice.
Kroll Show (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.) – The third and final season of Nick Kroll’s comedy series premieres tonight and while I can’t even begin to keep up with all of the crazy sh*t that happens on this show I do know that saying goodbye to characters like my bro Bobby Bottleservice and that ditzy Liz might be the single hardest thing I ever do in my life.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Chris Hemsworth and Sienna Miller on Fallon; Jessica Chastain and Patricia Arquette on Kimmel; Anderson Cooper and Aubrey Plaza on Letterman; Matt LeBlanc and Felicity Jones on Conan; Seth Green on The Late Late Show; and Michael Strahan and Olivia Munn on Meyers.
