Grandfathered (Fox, 8 p.m.) – John Stamos – who has either discovered the fountain of youth or is a vampire – gives us a glimpse of what Uncle Jesse would look like if he never physically aged, never got married or had children and owned a restaurant instead of playing in a rock band. Too bad for him that kid from Drake and Josh shows up to introduce him to the wonderful blessings of fatherhood, which entail acting as a last resort baby sitter when your estranged son eschews his own parenting duties so he can go on a hot date.
The Grinder (Fox, 8:30 p.m.) – Not to be outdone by John Stamos, Rob Lowe — who has either discovered the fountain of youth or is a vampire – gives us a glimpse of what Chris Traeger would look like if he never physically aged, had terrible health habits, was chock-full of cynicism and instead of working in the parks department, was a TV lawyer whose show was cancelled, forcing him to move back home and practice real law at his family’s firm.
NCIS (CBS, 8 p.m.) – Gibbs gets a makeover and the team helps a DEA agent solve a drug-running case that keeps going cold.
The Muppets (ABC, 8 p.m.) – Bobo pisses everyone off by trying to sell his daughter’s girl scout cookies; Fozzie parties with Jay Leno; and Kermit hooks Ms. Piggy up with Josh Groban — who has some ideas on how she can improve her late night talk show.
The Voice (NBC, 8 p.m.) – Another round of blind auditions, more friendship goals from Gwen Stefani and Pharrell and creepy bromance incidents from Blake Shelton and Adam Levine. Oh, and some people sing at some point.
IHeartRadio Music Festival (CW, 8 p.m.) – Watch Kanye West, Sam Smith, Duran Duran, Demi Lovato, Coldplay and a bunch of other artist perform in Las Vegas and try not to succumb to a serious case of FOMO.
Fresh Off the Boat (ABC, 8:30 p.m.) – When the chick you’re into convinces you to give up your love of playing piccolo to tutor her and then ditches you for another boy. Bye Felicia.
Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (ABC, 9 p.m.) – The season three premiere sees Coulson and the team encounter a new Inhuman and discover another organization on the hunt for powered people. Meanwhile, Fitz is still buggin’ from Simmons disappearance and takes drastic measures in order to find her.
NCIS: New Orleans (CBS, 9 p.m.) – A blogger who specialized in exposing government corruption is murdered, leading the team to discover some unsavory details about a joint Navy and CIA humanitarian mission in Bolivia.
Scream Queens (Fox, 9 p.m.) – If you survived the first two hours of this completely batsh*t crazy show, tonight, some frat bros go on a witch hunt for the Red Devil – you know, that creep who likes to take a lawn mower to women’s craniums – while Chanel (the one without the number) makes Hester her newest pet project.
Total Divas (E!, 9 p.m.) – Season four ends with Nikki’s ex boyfriend turning up the heat; Nattie and T.J. facing the end of their careers; and Paige coming clean to her fiancé.
Ink Master (Spike, 10 p.m.) – Before active military members and their families separate for deployment, they’ll get inked by amateur artists on a TV show to express their love because, America.
Limitless (CBS, 10 p.m.) – A famous journalist is murdered, and Brian finds that so interesting that he disobeys CIA orders in order to investigate (because he has superhuman powers now and he can do what he wants). This hour of TV should also be known as #BradleyCooperWatch2015.
Public Morals (TNT, 10 p.m.) – Muldoon and Bullman are on the hunt for Smitty’s killer, Duffy and Barbara get wasted, and Sgt. Mike delves into the Mr. O murder probe.
Real Husbands of Hollywood (BET, 10 p.m.) – Kevin gets the chance to play Sammy Davis, Jr. in a new biopic. Things probably won’t go well.
The Bastard Executioner (FX, 10 p.m.) – Lady Love (that’s her actual name) pays King Edward II a visit while Baron Pryce stops by Castle Ventris to chat with Milus.
Tosh.0 (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.) – In which Tosh investigates gun violence and the virtue of spitting.
Drunk History (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.) – We learn about those dicks who supported Prohibition, a TV news legend, and why Muhammad Ali refused to fight in Vietnam.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Viola Davis and Michael Pena on Kimmel; Julianne Moore on Fallon; Ellen Page and Jesse Eisenberg on Colbert; Kenan Thompson on Meyers; Matt Damon and Zachary Levi on Corden; Whitney Wolfe on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah; and Joseph Gordon-Levitt on Conan.
