Eye Candy (MTV, 10:00 p.m.) – Things get dark in the premiere of this cyber-crime thriller about a tech genius who discovers a guy she met through a dating app might actually be a serial killer. (And you thought your Tinder fails were bad.) If this show gives you major R.L. Stine feels it’s because it’s based off one of his books. If it also weirds you out it’s because that girl from Zooey 101 is in it and for some reason seeing child stars become adults is super depressing. Maybe it reminds us of our own childhood innocence lost, how time is just a flat circle, how … wow, things just got deep. Well played MTV, well-played.
The Bachelor (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) – Let the group dates begin. Prince Farming – sorry, you’re just going to have to get used to all these farming-related puns if you watch this season – takes six lucky women on a series of completely random activities – pool parties, tractor races and zombie-themed paintball shootouts just scream romance. Four women will eventually go home which is probably for the best because it takes a special kind of lady (and by special I mean boozed up and desperate for a husband) to agree to move to Iowa.
The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) –Vivica A. Fox serving it up straight when it comes to fellow contestant’s monthly menstrual problems and Geraldo Rivera having a hissy fit might have been the highlights of last week’s show but tonight, NBC is upping the ante. We’ve been promised celebrity panic attacks and full on cat fights as the teams create fitness ads and raise money for charity.
WWE Monday Night Raw (USA, 8:00 p.m.) – The Authority is back and people be gettin fired.
Mike & Molly (CBS, 8:30) – First Mike gets pissed when Molly shirks her wifely duties in favor of her writing career – the horror! – and now he’s chatting up rookie police officers. The smell of scumbag is ripe in the air. A word of caution to this Mike character, I’m on to you buddy. Nobody treats Melissa McCarthy that way. Nobody.
Fashion Police (E!, 9:00 p.m.) – New hosts Kathy Griffin and Brad Goreski join Giuliana Rancic and Kelly Osbourne to mercilessly burn celebs for their Golden Globe attire. Besides the stylist, I don’t see how anyone else is qualified to professionally hate on what other people wear, but then again this is E!.
Major Crimes (TNT, 9:00 p.m.) – Billy Burke is back as killer Philip Stroh who has apparently turned over a new leaf and is now helping the team solve “future murders.” For a split second there I had a real longing for Revolution to still be on – then I remembered how weird sh*t got with Aaron and those damn green fireflies and that longing died a swift death.
State of Affairs (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) – Someone gets kidnapped from a Panamanian prison, Nick gets testy and Charlie heads back to D.C. to coordinate a mission. Oh, and it looks like someone probably left a bomb in front of the Washington Monument. If this show does nothing else, it will make you terrified of ever visiting any of our national memorials.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Charlie Day and Darius Rucker on Fallon; Joaquin Phoenix on Kimmel; Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein on Conan; Gordon Ramsay on Letterman; Kristin Chenoweth on Meyers; and the ladies of The Talk host this week’s The Late Late Show with guest Ozzy Osbourne.
