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FIFA Women’s World Cup Canada 2015: U.S. vs. Germany (Fox, 7 p.m.) — Let it be said that when it comes to America’s draw in the World Cup, we’ve never been that lucky. Case in point: Pulling Germany for our semi-final match. Will it be a tough game? Sure. But we have Alex Morgan, Abby Wambach, Hope Solo and a bunch of other badass women who don’t mind sticking it to those deutsche-bags, so I’m feeling marginally better about our chances.
Scream: The TV Series (MTV, 10 p.m.) — The season premiere of the horror series remake sees the murder of a small town high-school student that eerily resembles a murder that took place in the community 20 years earlier.
America’s Got Talent (NBC, 8 p.m.) — While some of the most talented athletes in the world are battling it out on a field in Canada, a handful of decidedly less-talented people are itching for their 15 minutes on NBC.
Beat the Champions (Fox, 9 p.m.) — Amateur athletes face off against the likes of Missy Franklin, Rob Gronkowski and Scottie Pippin for the chance to win some money.
Deadliest Catch (DSC, 9 p.m.) — The Wizard has a leak, the Saga is nearly capsized and the Cape Caution is hit by a giant wave during a storm. Just another crappy-ass day on the Bering Sea.
Extreme Weight Loss (ABC, 9 p.m.) — “A couple postpones their wedding so they can lose weight. Their goal is to be able to wrap their arms around each other for their first dance.” That’s the sweetest and most depressing episode description you’ll read all day.
Rizzoli & Isles (TNT, 9 p.m.) — A murder victim is found in a shallow grave at an academic research facility dedicated to studying human decomposition. (And you thought your college thesis project was bad.)
Teen Wolf (MTV, 9 p.m.) — Stiles becomes suspicious of a new classmate, while Lydia tries to help a student suffering with night terrors.
Zoo (CBS, 9 p.m.) — The season premiere of this drama based on a James Patterson novel follows an American expat living as a safari tour guide in South Africa who discovers that the animal kingdom may be trying to destroy humankind. (Because I’ve suspected my cat has been plotting to kill me for the past five months, this isn’t news to me.)
Inside Amy Schumer (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.) — Let no one claim that Amy Schumer isn’t pushing herself on the the third season of her comedy show. Tonight, she attempts to travel through time and to give an entire town an STD.
LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Halle Berry on Kimmel; Jon Hamm on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart; and Danielle Brooks and Miguel on Conan. Fallon, Meyers and Corden are repeats.
