A few preliminary notes:
- Stranger Things 2 is in the books. We’ve reviewed it, and broken down the ending, and asked our fair share of questions about where it all goes from here, and we’ll have plenty more about it all in the coming days and weeks.
- Now, though, we are going to get to the important stuff: We are going to declare winners and losers.
- There will be spoilers.
- Do not yell at me.
Let’s begin.
WINNER: Steve
Steve’s transformation from “idiot boyfriend” to “everyone’s cool older brother, including my own somehow, even though the character is a teenager and I am over 30 years old” was really something. I think it gave me whiplash, but in a good way, to whatever extent there is a good kind of whiplash. Suddenly he’s this brave, charming, wise figure, who spends most of his time whacking hellbeasts with his homemade nailbat and giving advice to junior high kids. Especially Dustin. My word, were the Steve and Dustin scenes wonderful. I had no idea that was a pairing I’d enjoy at the beginning of the season and now I kind of want a whole show just about Steve trying to teach Dustin how to be cool. One montage every episode, minimum.
It’s weird, really. The redemption of King Steve was probably my favorite part of this season. It’s almost to the point that I now want him and Nancy to get back together, after I spent most of last season wanting her to smash a pineapple on his head. Almost is the key word there. Nancy might be better off finding a nice boy from another school. Steve is busy with babysitting anyway.
LOSER: Billy
I still have not quite figured out Billy.
Pros: Really just an A+ look, is maybe only a jerk because his dad is awful, can do a between-the-legs layup.
Cons: Possibly a psychopath, possibly a racist, maybe trying to sleep with Mike’s mom.
He gets filed as a Loser because the things in the Con category are pretty big deals and because his stepsister threatened to bash his jimmies with Steve’s nailbat (which probably still has demogorgon guts on it), but let’s not overlook that layup. He plays basketball like a pre-Metta-World-Peace Ron Artest. Has to count for something.
WINNER: Lucas, Dustin, and Mike
If I had to rank them from Best to Worst this season it would probably go Dustin (the Steve thing, the hair thing at the end, the thing where he swears a lot), then Lucas (has a girlfriend now), then Mike (very whiny, if understandably so). I might flip Dustin and Lucas at some point down the road, once this all sinks in. Dustin did kind of get his mom’s cat murdered and then he sent her on a wild goose chase for the animal he knew was dead. That was not extremely cool. But again, the hair and swearing. I’ll keep you updated as I work through all of this.
LOSER: Will
This poor kid. He spent all of last season trapped in the Upside Down with monsters hunting him and vines growing into his face and then he spent most of this season possessed by smoke monsters, strapped to chairs and beds, and getting pumped full of what I’m guessing was an unsafe amount of pharmaceutical sedatives. A big part of me hopes season three opens and he’s just in Hawaii or something, chilling by a pool, sipping a Shirley Temple. My dude deserves a break.
WINNER: Hopper
If Steve is everyone’s older brother, Hopper is everyone’s dad. His bravery borders on stupidity sometimes, sure, but that’s what makes him the best. He’s a big softie with an iron exterior, like a teddy bear wearing a suit of armor. I feel like if I had Hopper standing next to me with an assault rifle in his hands, I could have closed that gate, too, even though to this point in my life I have not exhibited any special powers. Hopper is just that kind of guy. I’m gonna cry when he and Joyce get married.
(This will happen, I swear.)
LOSER: Bob
Bob Newby is a hero and a great man and deserves to be remembered as such by anyone who hears his story, but one of my guiding principles in life is that if you get your head eaten in slow-motion by giant faceless canine-lizards, you’re catching an L.
I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. Great guy. Maybe the best and sweetest of anyone on the show. But rules are rules.
WINNER: Irresponsible adults
For the second season in a row, our characters get an assist from an adult who was being wildly irresponsible. In season one, it was Mr. Clarke, who gave the boys exact instructions for building a sensory deprivation tank when they called him at home at 10pm on a Saturday, as though there is any good non-Demogorgon-related reason 13-year-old boys could have for needing an emergency sensory deprivation on a Saturday night. I love it.
This season, this role of the irresponsible adult was filled by Murray, the conspiracy nut who helped Nancy and Jonathan get justice for Barb and then got them drunk on cheap vodka and encouraged them to hook up in his spare bedroom. It’s fun to picture the newspaper covering this if, like, the cops had shown up.
LOSER: Moms
Rough season for moms, in general. Joyce continues to have issues (had to exorcise a demon from her son, watched her boyfriend get eaten by slimy teethbeasts), Mike’s mom is clearly stuck in a loveless marriage that she escapes from by soaking in bubble baths and flirting with dirtbag teens, and Dustin’s mom lost her beloved cat. Hell, even Eleven’s mom, when they finally connected after over a decade, sent her on a weird mission to Chicago that turned her into a weird bitchin’ goth teen who hangs out with the coed ‘80s punk version of the Lost Boys from Hook. It wasn’t great. And while it helped El learn to harness her powers in a way that later saved the world, I can’t imagine this was the plan, at all.
WINNER: Jackets
Yes.
LOSER: Knife-throwing runaway punk teens with neon mohawks
No.
WINNER: Fire
Show me a television program that features multiple people wearing hazmat suits while blasting things with flamethrowers, and I’ll show you a television program I will watch.
LOSER: Faceless bloodthirsty beasts of myth
Rot in hell, all of you except Dart.
WINNER: Max
Introducing new characters can be hard. It can really screw with the dynamic of a show like Stranger Things, which is so reliant on the chemistry between the main kids. And when the new character skateboards and loves video games and is a cool slacker from California, the whole thing can veer into Poochie territory pretty quickly.
But Max didn’t do that. Max became an interesting addition, in part because it gave them someone to explain everything to (and sound insane in the process), and in part because she drove a wedge between them, and in part because she was a badass who probably saved Steve’s life. Max is okay. Let’s keep Max around.
LOSER: Eleven
This one hurts because Eleven had a whole journey — physical and spiritual — that provided some long-sought answers and then she literally saved the day at the end by closing a hole to another dimension using only her brain. Plus, she got to show up at the dance and play kissyface with Mike. Those are good things. Eleven is cool and good.
But she also spent the first half of the season locked away in a cabin. And the whole thing with her mom was weird because, as I said before, it just ended up being a diversion. And, if I understand Paul Reiser correctly (yes, his character has a name, but he’s Dr. Paul Reiser to me), she’s going to stay locked away and secluded from society for another year until the heat dies down. That’s not great. I very much look forward to moving her to the Winner side next season, which I hope opens with her playing on the Hawkins High soccer team and scoring goals from 70-feet away by tapping the ball softly and then using her powers to send it screaming into the back of the net at a high enough rate of speed that it triggers a sonic boom.
Until then, yeah. Sorry. Someone please let Eleven live.
