From a superficial, lazy perspective, Workaholics doesn’t teach us anything we didn’t already know. Being an office drone sucks, and there’s nothing better than unwinding after a hard day of working with your best buds and maybe even your Juggalo family. But deep down, Workaholics is one of the most educational shows on television, thanks in part to the daily vocabulary lessons that the show’s main characters, Adam, Blake, and Anders, deliver to us when most of us don’t even know it.
“What kind of vocabulary lessons?” the goodie-goodie in the front of the class asked without even raising her hand. If they’ve done anything well, Adam, Blake, and Ders have taught us plenty of new words, some that we might use in our daily vernacular and others that are likely saved for more intimate occasions, among friends, because they’re, how you might say, offensive as all hell.
To celebrate the show’s return for its fourth season tonight on Comedy Central, I’ve put together this A-Z list of some of the best words that Workaholics has created or altered for the sake of making the English language so much better for everyone. This list is hardly complete, so please, my friendship family, add to it in the comments.
Acid-Dent
Strange things can happen on an acid trip, man, and that’s why you shouldn’t do drugs at all. My drug? GIFs of adorable animals skateboarding. Besides, when you do use LSD, your mind can be easily influenced to try strange, random things like picking up that hammer over there and using it to play William Tell with a friend, by tossing it across the room to knock that apple off his head. Except there’s no apple and no friend, and that hammer you just threw crashed through the window of a police cruiser and now you’re in jail. That’s an acid-dent.
Bloj
A simple, subtle term for the act of fellatio, but primarily used by more juvenile males and predominantly high school students. Once a young man has matured, he’ll use a more adult turn like “beej” or “hummer.” It’s remarkable how much language can evolve over the course of a few years.
Chop
No doubt you and your closest friends have said something stupid. Chances are at least one of you has said something to piss the others off today, and if that hasn’t happened yet, it will soon enough. But don’t get pissed off and fight for no reason. Instead, Chop your friend to let him or her know that you don’t appreciate a moment of stupidity. All you need to do is make your hand flat and swing it at the person’s neck like a brutal karate chop. Just don’t connect, because your powerful arm could knock their head right off.
DRO
DRO is a very simple abbreviation and nickname for marijuana that is derived from the word hydroponics. Thus, it’s a reference to high end stuff and not the crappy shwag that your brother used to sell you when he was in college and thought it was hilarious to rip you and your stupid friends off. NOT COOL, DARREN!
EJack
This intimate term refers to the male’s climax during sex, but I can’t really top the actual Workaholics definition of this word: “The term itself covers the action only, and not the physical result; sort of like how a bazooka says nothing of the missile. One may not be possible without the other, but they don’t have to be mutually exclusive.” Very well put.
Fearection
Have you ever been so scared that you’ve developed an erection? That’s called a Fearection. If you haven’t experienced one, then maybe you’ve never really lived.
Gnar
If you’re like me, you’ve allowed years of slang and mangled English to trick you into thinking that gnarly is a positive term that refers to something cool or awesome. Not true, bros. And the same goes for Gnar, which is a similar word, but is much more negative. You do not want to be having a Gnar day, and if someone you know is experiencing something Gnar, you either need to bring the positive vibes or get the f*ck out of Dodge.
Hump Day
Let me guess, you think Hump Day means Wednesday. Nice try, you Geico commercial-loving simpleton. Hump Day isn’t a specific day of the week, month or even a year. Instead, it’s a goal for guys and gals alike to find some romance and get it on. The world might be a much happier place if we made every day Hump Day.
It’s Half Christmas!
Just like that “half-birthday” you celebrated as a child (or still celebrate if you’re a girl in college looking for free drinks), Half-Christmas is the blessed holiday that falls exactly 6 months away from “Full Christmas” on June 25th. Sure, your “Boss Lady” might try to tell you that Half Christmas isn’t a real holiday, but that just means it’s up to you to help spread the message of such a joyous day.
Juggaho
A Juggaho is just a punk bitch pretending to be a Juggalo. Pretenders and posers, juggahos are fake and should be shamed, and the term can easily carry over to reflect other fake people in life, like Juggaho politicians, Juggaho pop music stars and Juggaho girls that you meet on the Internet who end up being adult men.
Karl AKA the Human Genius
Karl may not seem like the smartest guy in the world, but the guys call him the Human Genius for a reason. Every group has its Karl, and it doesn’t take book smarts to earn the Human Genius title. Maybe one of your friends figured out how to score free pizza by bringing a garbage bag in a backpack to a CiCi’s. That’s your Karl, because he’s the reason you’re eating D-grade pizza for the next week.
Lording
You’re the boss. You’re in charge. You look at every human being in front of you and you know without a second glance that they’re beneath you. You don’t go to the strip club, the strip club comes to you. You’re Lording.
Magic
Magic is love, baby. It can be holding hands or it can be full on Hump Day Olympics, but either way it’s Magic that’s happening.
Native American Tears
This interesting phrase refers to the saddest tears that a person could possibly cry; however, I’ll once again defer to the actual Workaholics definition to avoid any confusion: “The cryer does not have to be of Native American descent in order to be eligible to cry Native America Tears, as the term refers to the level one is upset, not any part of their heritage. The tears that qualify best are not derived from pain, but often from anguish, suffering, and unspeakable trauma. We’re getting sad just thinking about it. But not sad enough to cry, and certainly, not sad enough to cry Native American Tears.”
Ooooh… CLASSIC
There’s no actual definition to this term, as it’s more of a statement of affirmation and appreciation. Like, if someone gave me an ice cold glass bottle of Mountain Dew, I’d respond, “Ooooh… CLASSIC.”
Pornog
It’s not as long and complicated as “Pornography” and it’s not as short and informal as “Porn.” Pornog is the material that gives you, um, romantic inspiration for when your Hump Day finally arrives. And the best thing about Pornog? It can be anything. But make sure to choose your own Pornog wisely, because otherwise you’ll be a pervert.
Quitting
People act like Quitting is a bad thing; that you’re giving up on something and taking the weak-willed loser’s way out. Not true, friends. Instead, Quitting means something way more proactive. You didn’t get fired from TelAmeriCorp, you QUIT that place, man. You opened yourself up to bigger and better things, like when Beyonce quit Destiny’s Child and started Lording supreme over pop music.
R.I.C.E.
Not feeling well? Time for some R.I.C.E. That stands for Rest, Ice, Coffee, Explosion, and it’s used to remind us how to bounce back strong from some downtime, whether it’s caused by a virus or straight boozin’ too hard. While Rest, Ice and Coffee are pretty self-explanatory, you might think that Explosion means to feel energized. Sadly, no. It’s more of a bathroom-related term, so make sure to bring some reading material.
Shib
Have you ever found yourself in a situation that allows you to keep your cool and remain professional and mature at all times, no matter how much you’d like to scream profanities? Yeah, your last court appearance is a great example. Instead of yelling, “SH*T!” at the top of your lungs when your girlfriend finds your pornog or celebrate by screaming, “SH*T YEAH!” when your sports team doesn’t do something stupid, you can say Shib. That way people know what you mean and you’re not really offending them.
Temp-Tress
An attractive female temporary employee that suddenly arrives to spice things up in your office is known as a Temp-Tress. She’ll cause problems between co-workers and friends who see her as open season, but the truth is that she’s only exciting because she’s new and a change of pace from the other women in your office that you see on a daily basis. Worst of all, she’s probably used to being hit on and she’ll see right through your tired routine.
Under-reacting
When something is so ridiculously and outrageously unexpected, but someone tells you that you’re overreacting, you tell them instead that you’re under-reacting. It’s when you don’t think that you’re acting outraged enough over someone else’s behavior or an unbelievable event. So if you think the situation calls for it, under-react to your heart’s content.
Vacay Days
They’re the best work days in the world, because they’re the days you take off from work, but you’re still paid like you showed up to your tired, old office. But the key to taking advantage of your vacay days is saving them all til the end of the year so you can just use them all in December and Lord for a week or two like it’s nobody’s business.
Weird
Has your Hump Day been a huge success? Are you about to find romance with that special someone? Then it’s time to ask yourself how Weird you plan to get. Weird doesn’t mean wearing a cowboy hat and an alien mask in the name of “fashion.” Instead, it means just how far you’re willing to go when your Hump Day soulmate explains that he or she wants to get SERIOUSLY CRAZY in the bedroom or beyond, depending on just how Weird the situation is.
X…
Come on, x is like the least tight butthole letter in the whole alphabet. X is totally loose butthole.
Yelpless
Think back to a time when your parents were your age and that’s about as Yelpless as a person can get. More specifically, being Yelpless means that a person is without the comfort of constant access to information provided by the Internet and social media. If you’re in a strange city and you’re craving a steak, but you don’t have any way of finding the nearest steakhouse, you’re pretty much Yelpless.
Zombie
You might assume that the term “zombie” refers to a flesh- and brain-craving undead ghoul ready to devour every living human in its path, and you’d be correct. However, in Workaholics lingo, it also means a person who is hellbent and focused on one thing and one thing only. This could mean women, beer, weed, food, work or anything else that drives a person. Right now, though, it means tacos, so if you’ll excuse me, I need to focus on my favorite Mexican joint.
