Okay, so first of all, I need to apologize. Some of you might have read the phrase “zebra heist” in that headline and assumed it meant a regular heist — art, jewel, etc. — that was pulled off by a group of suave turtleneck-wearing zebras. And, to be honest, why wouldn’t you have assumed that? This is Zoo we’re talking about here. It was just a few episodes ago that a gang of wolves orchestrated a prison break to free a convicted human murderer. It is a small step — very small, a shuffle, really — from there to a sexy zebra in tight pants dipping beneath lasers in a museum to get to a priceless artifact. Anything is possible on this show.
But alas, the zebra in this week’s episode was the heistee instead of the heister, as Bob Benson from Mad Men and his team of mask-wearing animal experts, foreign spies, and unemployed journalists joined forces with members of a militant, PETA-esque group called — not joking — FARM (Freedom Animal Rights Militia) to break into a zoo to “liberate” the animals, including, yes, a zebra. Other things you should probably know:
- The Zoo team was also there to steal a… science thing? That would help them get to… Africa? I don’t know. I really can’t stress strongly enough how hard I zone out on this show when preposterous animal things aren’t happening. The blonde lady fell off a plane at the end. She’s fine. Moving on.
- FARM is headed by a loose cannon named Ray who gets shot by the security guards at the zoo, because apparently security guards at the zoo carry guns. This seems like a logical stretch until you realize the zoo in question is in Clearwater. I can see the headline now: Florida Man Shot By Zoo Security Guards While Trying to Steal a Zebra. It checks out.
- It is truly remarkable that everything I’ve typed after the first paragraph — a gold-masked Bob Benson steals a zebra with the help of a guy named Ray who got shot by gun-toting zoo security guards — is the less bonkers of the two presented scenarios. Watch Zoo.
I’ve made a few references to masks so far, and I’d like to stop here to inform you that the masks they wear to steal a zebra look like this.
Those aren’t heist masks! Those are orgy masks! I’ve seen Eyes Wide Shut and True Detective! I know what an orgy mask looks like!
Point being: If I’m a gun-carrying zoo security guard, and I see a bunch of creeps in orgy masks poking around the grounds late at night and letting the animals out of their cages, I’m firing. Not out of anger or rage, or even fear. I’m not a violent person. I’ve never even fired a gun. But there’s just too much going on there that I don’t like, and bullets are flying because of it. No jury in the land would convict me, either. Especially not a Florida jury. Hell, they might promote me to sheriff.
But I digress. ZEBRA HEIST.
ZEBRA HEIST.
Now, as you can see, the zebra is loaded into a getaway truck. And the getaway truck has other animals in it, too, like camels and leopards and whatever else they could fit before security showed up. It was basically Noah’s Ark crossed with Ocean’s Eleven, which, I suppose, would make Bob Benson’s character “Noah Ocean.” This is somehow at least as plausible as his character’s actual name, “Jackson Oz.”
CUT TO: Mid-getaway, when an adorable little warthog waddles into the cage of a vicious cat of prey. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…
Wait, they’re friends? THEY’RE FRIENDS. This leads to an important discovery: the animal uprising on the show is an “emotional contagion,” like a yawn, and it spreads rapidly across species, meaning the whole truck of animals quickly opted to ignore an entire evolutionary history of the predator/prey relationship to team up. It also means either (a) the warthog and leopard opened their own cages, or (b) this dang animal liberation operation just loaded up any old animals they could grab — “Okay, we got two camels, a zebra, a warthog, and a leopard… LET’S ROLL” — and left them to fend for themselves in unlocked cages in the back of a speeding truck. For the love of God, they were better off in the zoo! WHAT KIND OF TWO-BIT BUMBLING OPERATION YOU RUNNING HERE, NOAH OCEAN? IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME?! COME ON!
Ahhh, who am I kidding? His actions did allow me to type the phrase “zebra heist” six times today. Seven, now. I can’t stay mad at him.
