Chuck Norris Is Going To Get To The Bottom Of This Jade Helm 15 Conspiracy

Senior Editor
05.06.15 62 Comments
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If you’ve only scratched the surface of the internet these past few years, you could be forgiven for thinking Chuck Norris is the funny guy from memes and some dumb karate movies. But dig a little deeper and you’ll find he’s also a sort of celebrity (ish) advocate of all the dumbest right-wing email chains. In the past he’s advocated Texas seceding from the Union and blamed Obama for allowing gays in the boy scouts as part of a possibly-Russian conspiracy.

Amazingly, Norris’s latest cause maybe the dumbest he’s ever championed. I speak, of course, of the Jade Helm 15 “controversy,” a conspiracy less believable than Chuck Norris’s toupeé. Basically, a long-planned joint military training operation is about to go down in the southwest. Despite the fact that the military has been doing exercises like these for years, “Jade Helm 15” has somehow morphed into a conspiracy theory that the federal government is planning to invade Texas, declare martial law, and steal all their guns and brisket or something. That Texas is suddenly afraid of the US military should tell you how baffling and convoluted this conspiracy theory is. Nonetheless, Texas governor Greg Abbott has called for the Texas State Guard to “monitor” the exercise. It’s hard to believe he’s that dumb, but it says a lot about how widespread this chemtrail-level paranoia is that he felt the need to dignify it.

And now, Chuck Norris is backing the theory in a new column. The subtitle of which is “Exclusive: Chuck Norris reminds Americans to never check brains at government’s door.” Basically, Chuck Norris is PFT Commenter without the satire. Norris’s column on Jade Helm 15 is live at WND, and keep in mind, this is one of the more lucid explanations of the conspiracy. (Another explanation goes: “Jade Helm. Jade is blue. Helm is German for helmet. Blue Helmet. UN blue helmets?”)

Norris opens his column with a confusing anecdote about a charity gala he attended where he received a something calle a “Crime Stoppers Award,” possibly for his solid record of karate kicks. Also in attendance was Marcus Luttrell (he of Lone Survivor fame), a former Navy SEAL, and thus seemingly a representative of the same military Norris thinks Texans should be afraid of. Not that Chuck Norris actually quotes Luttrell on the subject of Jade Helm 15, even though military exercises would presumably be an area where Luttrell has lots of experience. Nope, in Norris’s column, Luttrell is just flair.

As I think about Crime Stoppers, Gov. Abbott, and former Navy SEAL Luttrell, I am reminded again of how true patriots need to continue to fight for freedom wherever we are.

BOOM, now that’s how you segue. “As I think about the thing I just wrote about for five paragraphs, I’m reminded of another thing I will now write some paragraphs about. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ’em…”

At 75 years old, I’m still fighting. If you’re reading this column, odds are you are, too.

“I’ve been fighting all my life. And by that I mean that I mostly threw fancy pretend kicks at stuntmen who got paid to fall down. These days, I fight by selling gym equipment on late night TV and writing insane political columns. The fact that you’re here reading an insane political column written by a former fake karate kicking gym equipment salesman leads me to believe that you’re a fighter too. Basically, I have a pretty broad definition of ‘fighting.'”

Concerned Texans and Americans are in no way calling into question our brave and courageous men and women in uniform. They are merely following orders.

“They’re just following orders. And in no way do I mean to compare them to the group most people immediately think of when you say something like ‘they were just following orders.'”

What’s under question are those who are pulling the strings at the top of Jade Helm 15 back in Washington. The U.S. government says, “It’s just a training exercise.” But I’m not sure the term “just” has any reference to reality when the government uses it.

“There are multiple meanings of the word ‘just,’ a word my imaginary straw man ‘just’ used. Need I say more?”

Don’t worry, I’m sure Chuck has plenty of solid evidence that he’s just easing us into…

“Well, I’m not trusting what we’re being told,” said Mike Hightower, an affable antique store owner and real-estate agent in the very small town of Smithville, Texas, where some Jade Helm 15 exercises will take place. He added, “I think there’s something a little more involved than what they’re telling us.”

THIS JUST IN, ANTIQUE STORE OWNER IN SMALL TEXAS TOWN HAS VAGUE SENSE OF PARANOIA.

I have an idea: If the government insists on running expanded military ops across seven Southwest states, why doesn’t it move all that “military training” south and protect our borders at the same time?!

“If the military insists on training to be a military, I ask: Shouldn’t they just be the border patrol instead? As a karate champion and home gym spokesperson, it makes perfect sense to me.”

Whatever Jade Helm 15 actually is, I think it is more than coincidental that the FBI director just confessed in February that the presence of ISIS can be felt in all 50 states of the U.S. and that the Pentagon is suddenly running its biggest military training exercise with every branch of the military across seven Southwestern states.

Now, here’s the part where you would expect Chuck Norris to explain the connection between ISIS and a military exercise that may be a secret invasion of Texas. I honestly can’t tell if they think the government is working with ISIS, or if this training exercise is their evidence that the government is downplaying the ISIS threat. Which are, like, the exact opposite problems.

Whether deterrence, display of power or something more covert or devious, let’s not come with any patronizing nonsense of impotence and simplicity when its origin is in Washington.

Nope. He doesn’t even specify which. It could be either! “Don’t be fooled, sheeple! Just listen to all these unsupported and contradictory reasons for being paranoid and tell me I’m paranoid!”

I’m glad Texas Sen. Ted Cruz is asking the tough questions of the Pentagon about Jade Helm 15…

“Why are military? Sub-question, which one of you sons of bitches is a Muslim?”

…particularly because its “exercises” come too near to my ranch’s backdoor as well

“My ranch is a lot like me in that it gets uncomfortable when anyone’s near its backdoor, especially if they’re wearing faggy exercise clothes.”

…at least according to the map. It’s pretty sad and bad when major military ops are ordered in a large, fiery state like Texas and not even the governor or its senators know the specifics.

Would it be less sad and bad if the major military ops were ordered in a smaller, less fiery state? Like Delaware? Delaware is smaller than Texas, at least according to the map.

It’s neither over-reactionary nor conspiratorial to call into question or ask for transparency about Jade Helm 15 or any other government activity. To those who merely think we should check our brains at the door of the White House and trust what the government does, I would reiterate to you the words of one of our government’s primary founders Benjamin Franklin, who said…

I swear to God he already used this quote in the opening paragraph. Even a fifth grader writing a detention essay wouldn’t have the balls to start and end with the same sh*tty quote.

“Distrust and caution are the parents of security.”

“Distrust and caution are male and female, and they didn’t live together until they were married. Ben Franklin, on the other hand, was said to have had countless French mistresses, most of them underage.”

Again, he also said, “Security without liberty is called prison.” But then again, I’m sure some today would accuse Franklin of being conspiratorial, too!

Lol, jk jk! Again, Chuck Norris has a fabulously loose grasp of metaphors. Like, why would we check our brains at the door of the White House? Are we going inside of the White House? And if we were inside of the White House, who is in Texas making sure the military doesn’t let ISIS have sex with our longhorn cattle? Shouldn’t we keep our brains in Texas and make sure the government protects it from Mexicans?

We must never check our brains or blindly trust, especially the government. Rather, we must fight until our dying breaths for liberty, especially when it appears those in power are trying to knock down Old Glory.

Old Glory is a flag. Out of all the action phrases he could’ve employed, he went with “knock down” to describe something that happens to a flag. What kind of moron chooses “knock down” as their flag imagery? I don’t expect Chuck Norris to understand the government, or the military, or flags, but I’m starting to wonder if he even understands knocking things down. Has his whole life has been a pretend stunt-man lie? “We must always stay vigilant to keep our brains in our heads to keep tyrants and interlopers from splintering Old Glory like balsa wood. Hi-yah!” (*throws kick, splits pants*)

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