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‘Star Trek Into Darkness’: What A Bitter Trekkie Really Wants To See

By / 05.14.13

My bitter Trekkie credentials (and dislike of J.J. Abrams as a filmmaker) are well-established around here, but contrary to what you might think, I’m going to go see Star Trek Into Darkness, mostly because a theater near me will be showing it and sells beer, and depending on how it is, I might need a lot of beer. But, if I’m being honest, and having avoided reviews by and large, here’s what I really want to see for my ten bucks.

Less Fanservice

This may sound weird, but honestly, it’ll be in the movie’s favor. Honestly, the whole “No, see, your toys are still canon, we’re just making a new one!” thing was kind of insulting, and it led to quite a few of the movie’s structural problems. The trailers have made it fairly clear this movie will have at least a few references to the best Star Trek movie ever made, but I can deal with that, as long as it doesn’t completely derail the damn movie.

Lots And Lots Of Klingons

You know what? Let’s stop screwing around, Paramount. You want to make a dumb action movie, OK, I’m game. Bring on the Klingons, and plenty of them. If we’re really done playing at a peaceful society with violence as a last resort, let’s stop screwing around and go to town. If Kirk’s not holding a hill with a machine-gun phaser I’m going to be sorely disappointed.

Let The Angry Natives And The Volcano Bit Be The Only Pulp Cliche

My main nitpick (as opposed to rage-filled complaint) against the reboot was the fact that the one cliche, the only one, that Star Trek had never used turned up in this movie: Kirk running away from dinosaurs. Here apparently we have angry natives, which, while rich with unfortunate implications, as long as Abrams and his writing staff get it out of the way early, I can deal with.

More Scotty

The whole cast was rock-solid, but Simon Pegg’s portrayal of Scotty was the stand-out performance, not least because Pegg was clearly so tickled to be playing such an iconic role. Also, Pegg is the only experienced comedian in the bunch, and if you deliberately set out to make an action movie that asks audiences not to think too hard, you need all the comedy you can get.

References To The Video Game Kept To A Minimum

Yes, I know it’s apparently canon, but the last movie required you to have read a comic book prequel to fully understand what was happening, and that’s just bad form. Also, well, the Metacritic scores speak for themselves.

Some Acknowledgement Of IDW’s Excellent Ongoing

Not tied to the plot, of course, but IDW has been putting out some absolutely superb comics under the Star Trek name and it’d be nice to see that work acknowledged.

Peter Weller Saying “Dead Or Alive, You’re Coming With Me.”

Well, maybe just a little bit of fanservice.


TAGSbitternessHumorLISTSStar Trek Into Darkness

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