Bullet Points: Don’t Cry for Me Apple Music

06.22.15 2 years ago

Who won the weekend?  Who won HBO?  Who calls the shots at Apple? These are the questions burning up Hollywood”s Big to Medium-Sized Summer.  And these are the bullet points you need to answer them in our daily what”s happening in entertainment news letter for June 22, 2015.

• Long Hot HBO Summer
Can”t imagine the panic when the folks down in Twitter's server farm heard that HBO would be debuting not one but three new seasons tonight.  And as predicted, like the swallows home to Capistrano, the prestige cable fans in the most hallowed ritual of their people came out to Tweet, or to “break Twitter” in the official parlance.  Opinions on the shows varied. On “True Detective” they ran the spectrum from “Best show in the history of drama” to “This is total garbage. Why are these people allowed to live.” Which averages out to 67 percent positive on Metacritic.
But when the Tweets died down, we all came together around the global campfire, looked arms and agreed that what mattered wasn”t whether we liked the show or didn”t like it, what mattered was that we were talking about, as the buzz we created would go on to feed hungry nations and stop climate change. HBO”s Business Model for President!

• Taylor Swift Defeats Apple
Apple”s plan had everything going for it: take music from recording artists, give it away, and don”t pay them for it. How could anyone find a flaw in that? I mean – not if they want to be cool they can”t.
But Apple hadn”t counted on the one force on earth more powerful than wanting to be cool: Taylor Swift, who quickly took to her Swift-phone and drafted an open letter, dropping her deadly “D” bomb on Apple as she labeled their move “disappointing.”
Few who have been on the receiving end of a Taylor Swift open letter are still alive to tell of the experience. The only accounts we have from victims last words speak of the light of a thousand suns and a billion One Direction fans suddenly appearing from within your head. Needless to say, it was only a matter of hours before Apple crumbled; its CEO Tim Cook calling the singer in Amsterdam to offer unconditional surrender.
As part of the terms of the peace treaty, all iPhone users will be required to spend 90 minutes a day GIF”ing clips for Swift”s latest video and posting them on their Tumblrs as well as sitting in the bleachers at every school assembly forced to watch Swift as cheer captain.
Apple may have reversed course quickly enough to save themselves, before the full wrath of the Swift could turn its most profitable quarter in the history of quarters into a pile of ashes, but the power of Taylor only grows with every confrontation. First she was content merely to level musician ex-boyfriends, but now it is Fortune 500 companies.  Who or what can be next?  Will entire nations fall to the Swiftian onslaught? Is the human race itself destined to become enslaved?  Stay tuned!

• Inside Out Wins the Weekend Box Office Moral Victory!
Box Office stories would be so much easier to write if the box office would just do what it”s told. Last weekend, box office writers recorded how “Jurassic World” chomped and stomped its way to dinosaur metaphor box office victory.  The story this weekend was supposed to be the great metaphor of the little things inside your head buzzing out and bringing down T-Rex in a wonder of Pixar resurrection glory.
But then those damn dinosaurs came back again, to ruin Pixar”s party.
So now in our box office stories, where we”re supposed to be celebrating one champion and dancing on the grave of any movie that didn”t win its weekend, we suddenly find there are consolation prizes abounding. And participation trophies for all who showed up to play. The subhead on the THR box office piece tells it all:”Jurassic World” may have ended Pixar”s No. 1 opening winning streak, but ‘Inside Out” raced past all expectations to score the top debut of all time for an original Pixar title.”
So suddenly, box office is just a Pixar intermural contest?  We who have spent the past decade reading box office stories, have been reared on the notion that the only thing that counts in a film”s race to riches is whether it wins its weekend.  But now it”s good enough just to be the best of your studio.  Someone please send the updated handbook.

• Yay Pixar!  Boo Dinosaurs!
Well, if these dinosaurs think they can take this box office trophy and just stomp off it, they”ve got another thing coming. The trades are out in force this morning making very clear, dinosaurs still suck! And Pixar”s the real winner. The one that counts.   “5 Reasons ‘Inside Out and Pixar Aren”t Sweating end of Winning Streak” counts The Wrap. “Why Jurassic World Isn”t Impressive After All” snorts  Variety's home page. “Is Jurassic World sexist?” asks the LA Times homepage, unwilling to let that one drop.
So enjoy your trophy “Jurassic World.”  We hope you choke on it! Good luck getting a meeting with the Duplass Brothers now!

Brain Cranston takes Walter White to Electric Daisy.
We fear that the Williamsburg based Pollos Hermanos Planet Breaking Bad themed restaurant will not be far behind…

• How dead does an industry have to be before its CEO”s must suffer?
Apparently, despite the collapse of the music industry, it”s still a pretty good thing to be the head of a record label. Billboard has the numbers on how much everyone in music makes. Not shockingly, for those on the top the numbers are shockingly high and for those on the bottom they are shockingly low. But everyone gets first dibs at leftovers from the Kanye meet and greet, so it all evens out mostly.

• We saw 20 minutes of Ant Man
And Chris Eggertsen is impressed.

•The Great Deadly Adoption Debate
Prank or payday?  Drew McWeeney dives in.

•Filthy and Sweet!
Both at the same time! Is Alan Sepinwall”s verdict on Amazon”s “Catastrophe.”
•And finally
Hollywooders: Before you leave work this week, file away from the caviar burrito station into the back of your limousine to weekend on the yacht while waited on by young, gorgeous undocumented slave labor, give a listen Mark Kermode”s ode to ‘Entourage”, one of the great double-barreled hate-reviews of recent times. And if you're a Hollywood player, warning that this comes awfully close to hate speech. Consider contacting your civil rights attorney before listening.

The Last Word
As ever goes to Louis Virtel. In today”s Daily Snap: Why We Have no Song of the Summer.

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