R.I.P. Russian Sex Geckos: All Five Reptilian Cosmonauts Have Perished

09.01.14 3 years ago 13 Comments



Every last one of Russia’s famed reptilian cosmonauts, known affectionately as the “sex geckos” owing to the carnal nature of their space voyage, has died, the Federal Space Agency revealed Monday.

The geckos had been on a two-month mission launched to facilitate research on the effects of zero-gravity on reproductive systems. [Moscow Times]


I haven’t been this upset about an animal death since Swino, the Australian pig that drank 18 beers he stole from a campsite and then got in a fight with a cow, passed away in a car accident. I just … I just…

[sits down at piano, begins playing softly]

Goodbye sex geckos
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to float in space
While those around you crawled
They pulled you from the forest
And they launched you into the sky
They put you on spaceship
And you humped until you died

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like some geckos out in space
Never knowing what to cling to
Without gravity
And I would have liked to have known you
But I was stuck on land
Your candle burned out long before
Any of us ever planned

[closes lid to piano, wipes away single tear]

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