It’s Tom Selleck’s 69th Birthday, So Here’s A Definitive Ranking Of His Mustaches

By: 01.29.14

9) Runaway

9 Runaway

Even in the future, a man’s greatest weapon against Gene Simmons is a strong mustache.

8) Jesse Stone

8 Jesse Stone

A darker, brooding mustache that once wrote an album so sad that it made Robert Smith smile.

7) Three Men and a Baby

7 Three Men and a Baby

Little Known Fact: According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Selleck was the only baby ever born with a complete mustache.

6) Friends

6 Friends

Monica proved that while an ordinary woman can, in fact, love a mustache like that of Dr. Richard Burke, she’s much safer settling for a man whose middle name is Muriel.

5) Her Alibi

5 Her Alibi

For real, though, Paulina Porizkova was wildly underrated, you guys.

4) Battle of the Network Stars

4 Battle of the Network Stars

One time, a small child was drowning in a public swimming pool and Selleck used his mustache to soak up all of the water.

3) Quigley Down Under

3 Quigley Down Under

Australian officials held Selleck at the airport for six days until they were sure that his mustache was not a new species of animal.

2) Mr. Baseball

2 Mr Baseball

Stephen Hawking once wrote an essay that proved his theory that if Selleck’s mustache ever made contact with Keith Hernandez’s mustache, the universe would implode.

1) Magnum P.I.

1 Magnum PI

Selleck’s mustache was the reason there should have been an Emmy for Best Facial Hair, and it’s also the reason that there isn’t.

(Images via Getty, NBC, Lionsgate, CBS, Warner Bros., ABC, TriStar, Sony Pictures, Touchstone, Universal Pictures, and MGM)

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