Even in the future, a man’s greatest weapon against Gene Simmons is a strong mustache.
8) Jesse Stone
A darker, brooding mustache that once wrote an album so sad that it made Robert Smith smile.
7) Three Men and a Baby
Little Known Fact: According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Selleck was the only baby ever born with a complete mustache.
Monica proved that while an ordinary woman can, in fact, love a mustache like that of Dr. Richard Burke, she’s much safer settling for a man whose middle name is Muriel.
5) Her Alibi
For real, though, Paulina Porizkova was wildly underrated, you guys.
4) Battle of the Network Stars
One time, a small child was drowning in a public swimming pool and Selleck used his mustache to soak up all of the water.
3) Quigley Down Under
Australian officials held Selleck at the airport for six days until they were sure that his mustache was not a new species of animal.
2) Mr. Baseball
Stephen Hawking once wrote an essay that proved his theory that if Selleck’s mustache ever made contact with Keith Hernandez’s mustache, the universe would implode.
1) Magnum P.I.
Selleck’s mustache was the reason there should have been an Emmy for Best Facial Hair, and it’s also the reason that there isn’t.
(Images via Getty, NBC, Lionsgate, CBS, Warner Bros., ABC, TriStar, Sony Pictures, Touchstone, Universal Pictures, and MGM)