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Science Has Proven ‘The Hangries’ Exist And Why They Might Make You Want To Murder Your Spouse

By / 04.16.14

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Last night I was planning to make an eggplant parm bake for dinner, and my husband offered to pick up eggplant since he was stopping at the grocery store anyway. While waiting for him to get home and preparing the marinara sauce, I started to get hungry, realizing that I hadn’t eaten in at least six hours. So when he got home and procured two small eggplant only slightly larger than pears, it was like a nuclear f*cking bomb went off in my kitchen.

As it turns out, making him go back out in the rain and wind to find me some acceptable goddamn eggplant, because WHAT THE F*CK AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE, wasn’t me just being “mean wife” — it was actually a completely valid and legitimate scientific reaction, according to a new study published by the National Academy of Sciences which proves the existence of “hangries” and how they relate to marital discourse.

I guess we can all have a good laugh about it now? Ha ha ha!

People are often the most aggressive against the people to whom they are closest—intimate partners. Intimate partner violence might be partly a result of poor self-control. Self-control of aggressive impulses requires energy, and much of this energy is provided by glucose derived from the food we eat. We measured glucose levels in 107 married couples over 21 days. To measure aggressive impulses, participants stuck 0–51 pins into a voodoo doll that represented their spouse each night, depending how angry they were with their spouse. To measure aggression, participants blasted their spouse with loud noise through headphones. Participants who had lower glucose levels stuck more pins into the voodoo doll and blasted their spouse with louder and longer noise blasts.

First of all, I can’t even describe how much I love that a scientific study involved voodoo dolls. That would make most hardcore Christians brains explode right out of their heads. If I had been given a voodoo doll last night however, in what shall henceforth be known as “the eggplant incident,” I probably would have saved myself the trouble and hucked that thing right down the garbage disposal.

Low blood sugar is NO JOKE, people. Save your marriage: Eat a granola bar.

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