Stop right there. Before I even jump into the details, when I first saw this story I was all:
Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way: This dude Jared Buzzell from Lisbon, Maine, was supposedly searching for “wild mushrooms” last week when he saw a porcupine get hit by a car along the side of the road. Then, because he heard that the stomachs of porcupines contain some kind “valuable mineral deposit” used in Chinese medicine (I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP) he did the only totally legit sane person thing and cut open the dead porcupine to acquire the porcupine stomach minerals.
He tells WMTW-TV he cut the umbilical cord and thought the baby porcupine was dead until he started massaging it and it began breathing.
Buzzell is caring for the baby at home and plans to give it to a licensed wildlife rehabilitator.
First of all, even though he was being a total weirdo looking for mushrooms and cutting open dead porcupines, somebody give this hero all of the medals. Second of all, because this is how my dumb brain works, after finishing reading this article I immediately decided that the baby porcupine grows up to become the slowest porcupine in town from Porcupine Racetrack. If anything, it’s the thing that makes the most sense in this entire article.