This post may run a little long this week, but only because the FilmDrunkards brought the funny so hard. As always, nominate for next week’s Comments of the Week in the comments section below.
As I said, this week was a particularly good one, and yet I didn’t find it that difficult to choose the winner. You be the judge.
From Rip Torn bare-knuckle boxes shirtless dude in new They Might Be Giants video (one of the most enjoyable headlines I’ve ever had the fortune to type):
Ragnarok says: Rip Torn was born a drunk 57-year-old and was named in memory of his mother’s vagina.
I believe it. Meanwhile, I thought this next comment was a close second. From my Real Steel review, in which I tell of a robot fight set to a Limp Bizkit song which ends when one of the participants malfunctions and punches himself to death:
The Jersey Devil says: Oddly enough, the number of incidents involving people who punched themselves in the face until they died while listening to Limp Bizkit is surprisingly low.
That’s how *I* always interpreted the song “Break Stuff.”
Burnsy has the last word on Nick Swardson’s claim that critics wanted to hate Buckey Larson:
Burnsy says: He’s worried about the audience taking insane jokes out of context but he expects us to get why Peter Dante is dressed up like a doctor and yelling at us.
Indeed. And from the Mission Impossible poster post that spawned the banner image (courtesy iamphoenix):
Assmode says: Xenu, bestow the tallness you placed in this giant shiny rod unto meeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!
Michelle07 says: Why young man, I do believe those pants are what’s referred to as “poo-poo pushers”
Stallonewolf says: Nothing like climbing the world’s tallest phallus to dispel the gay rumors.
Ah yes, Tom-Cruise-is-gay jokes, almost as fun as religion jokes. From Some Christian movie you’ve never heard of had the second biggest opening this weekend:
Stallonewolf says: My father is like God in that he knocked up a teenager then let some other dude raise the kid.
Willy S says: This is one intelligently designed movie.
And then Jason Biggs’ wife bought him a blowjob from a hooker and wrote 3,000-plus words about it.
Larry: “What does third base with a hooker who does house calls feel like?”
“Like warm apple pie, except you can stick both hands in and applaud without feeling pie on either side.”GlennBeckHasAIDS says: 50% of marriages end in lame overlong TheSmokingJacket guest pieces.
From Quentin Tarantino casts Kurt Russell as his slave driver in his slave-gladiator-fights movie:
GlennBeckHasAIDS says: So I’m assuming they’re going to shoot this film on Rick Perry’s ranch?
And speaking of racial controversies, from Hank Williams Jr. compares Boehner golfing with Obama to Hitler golfing with Netanyahu:
Chareth Cutestory says: “So how many holes you want to play today, Adolph?”
“NEIN!!!”
See, I probably would’ve gone with a joke about Netanyahu having orange skin and crying like a bitch every six seconds, but leave it to Chareth to turn it into a Vaudeville routine. Well done.
From The owner of New York’s Lebowski store responds to missing cat allegations:
Ragnarok says: PS: Misha will be waterskiing on the gnarly Congo for the next six weeks and is most certainly NOT DEAD.
See, now that’s how you do a murder-joke callback.
Stinky Peet says: “A few overzealous cat Nazis ruined it for everyone.”
Ich bein ein purrliner.Peepshowmopguy says: bluehaircatlady: What do you do for recreation?
Misha: Oh, the usual. I drink from a bowl. Lie around. The occasional catnip flashback.
From Russell Crowe is pregnant with Superman:
Jack Burton says: I like how Jor-El smokes in this film. It’s very contemporary. They should have him ride a motorcycle, too. And he should be constantly munching out of a bag of beef jerky.
I like that. That’s all I have to say.
From Baby Goose’s scorpion jacket from Drive is now on sale:
Larry says: Too late commoners: in his last act, Jobs bought up every one and is using them to fuel his funeral pyre. Farewell, Stallion Who Mounted the World.
It was the Stallion part that did it for me.
From John Cusack plays Edgar Allan Poe as a Nic Cage hero, basically.
The Jersey Devil says: Quoth the raven, “I want my two dollars!”
Someone may have already made that joke, but it’s still funny.
And finally, from the same post:
pigpeen said:
Hollywood guy #1: “Think Sherlock Holmes meets Saw 3″
Hollywood guy #2: “Genius! Can we have CGI ravens?”
#1: “Two words: 3D, AND we can follow up with a prequel where Poe takes down an opium ring.”
#2: “Holy Sh*t. This is going to keep us nipple-deep in hookers and blow for years.”
#1: “Hmm… maybe we should invest in a screenplay that really pays homage to Poe’s writing. You know he was a revolutionary of the American Romantic movement. If we could somehow express his tragic genius onscreen it could really inspire people.”
#2: “…Are you gay?”
I couldn’t have said it better than myself. That’s why I keep compiling these posts every week, in fact — to associate myself with the things my commenters say that I wish I’d said. It helps me pretend I had some hand in inspiring them. You make me proud to be associated with you, you sick, clever, sons (and daughters) of bitches.
UPDATE: Thanks to Spaz for reminding me that I made this Photoshop: