Many of you have been asking the results of our Comments of the Year voting, and I meant to announce them sooner, it’s just that the new batch of shirts that I ordered were supposed to be here a few days ago, and they still aren’t here. I was hoping to have physical shirts here for the winners, but oh well, I guess the graphic will have to do. The new batch is two-color print, much like you see above, and in addition to our normal Kelly green, we’ll also have some on a red shirt. I’ll update you guys on where you can buy them as soon as I get the actual shirts.
In the meantime, as I said before, the Comments of the Year winner is receiving a $50 dollar gift card to Amazon, and the next five are getting shirts. To everyone’s credit, almost every comment got at least one vote, and pretty much all of them would’ve been deserving. But fine, I’ll quit padding your egos and tell you who got the most votes….
TOKEN BLACK GUY is our big winner, for his comment on my racist joke about black dudes crossing the street slowly on purpose:
TokenBlackGuy says: WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT? *dials frantically* “LeDarrius. They’re on to us. Kill operation HonkeyDelay.”
So congrats, TBG. Meanwhile, our top two vote getters were both race-related, so you’re all probably horrible racists. Here are the five shirt getters, in order of votes received (most to fewest).
1. From Tarantino wants Will Smith for his slave western
Chino Moreno says: He whistled for a boat and when it came near, the license plate said “Amistad” and he picked cotton for a year.
2. From The Writer of Conan the Barbarian Talks about His Movie Bombing:
Morton Salt says: This reminds me of my grandfather. He was born in 1901 and was sent to work on the railroads with his father when he was five. He did that for a few years, but when he was eight, he lost his right hand -his dominant hand -in an industrial accident while trying to fix something that only his little kid’s hands could reach. The point is, he had to stop working on the railroad. By the age of 12, he had become proficient enough with his left hand that he got work in a factory. He worked on the line for 40 years, never advancing in the ranks because of his missing hand, despite the fact that he would probably be more useful as a foreman. He didn’t care, though. He supported his family with the hopes that his hard work would allow them to enjoy a life he never did. He insisted on buying a house, even though he was 40 before the bank would grant a mortgage, and by that time they had nine kids, so they insisted on getting a house with four bedrooms; three kids per room, plus the master (which was actually the smallest). But, at age 52, something happened at the factory. A perpetual fuck up named Bernie was being fired. He drank on the job, came in late, etc. When the powers that be told him of his termination, he flew into a rage. He began yelling and screaming that they were damnable fools for keeping a cripple while firing him. He was talking about my grandfather. He came to the drunken conclusion that if my grandfather couldn’t work, they’d keep him around instead. Bernie approached my grandfather, who at this point knew nothing of the firing, clubbed him with a wrench and knocked him out. He then picked up my grandfather off the floor and positioned himself in such a way that allowed him to put my grandfather’s left hand -his only hand -in the path of danger. My grandfather lost his only remaining hand before anyone could help him, and Bernie fled, never to be seen again. The factory saw no option but to let my grandfather go as well. This, however, did not discourage my grandfather. After some recuperation, he insisted that my grandmother write a letter to the bank explaining the situation, and asking for some time on making the next mortgage payment. They told the bank in that letter all about the railroad accident and reasoned that if Grandpa could come back from that, he would come back from this as well. He would find honest work, and the bank would get its money. This letter was no small achievement, as my grandmother was illiterate. My grandfather pointed to the letters in the newspaper he wanted her to copy, one by one. He could’ve asked one of his kids to help, but he was too proud and didn’t want them to know about it. The letter was sent. When they missed their first mortgage payment, the bank began foreclosure on the grounds of ‘reasonable expectation that further payment would not be forthcoming’. If they hadn’t written the letter, they could’ve missed up to 10 payments without foreclosure being initiated, according to the bank’s own admission. They lost the house. My grandparents gave up their five youngest kids to an orphanage. (My father was the second oldest, so he was spared.) Those four kids (three boys and two girls) were never seen again. My grandmother began working as a crossing guard and at an industrial laundry. My grandfather never did find work. They made just enough to pay rent on a two bedroom apartment. They never complained, never talked about the misfortunes of life, except to wonder aloud about their five youngest kids and to wish them well. I don’t know if they were happy; I never really knew them. My grandmother died before I was born and my grandfather died when I was three, and all I remember is being petrified of the ancient man with no hands. Like I said, I don’t know if they were happy, but by all accounts they never whined about their lives. This hack’s plight reminds me of my grandfather.
3. From The Trailer for the Twilight Trailer:
Michelle07 says: My telepathic fetus needs to stop ordering more pitchers of margaritas!
*yells at fetus
I CAN’T MAKE A BROTHER FOR YOU YET, DING DONG!
Having Mortons and Michelle’s comments back to back sort of sums up the FilmDrunk experience.
4. From Rip Torn bare-knuckle boxes shirtless dude in new They Might Be Giants video (one of the most enjoyable headlines I’ve ever had the fortune to type):
Ragnarok says: Rip Torn was born a drunk 57-year-old and was named in memory of his mother’s vagina.
5. From Kevin Smith on working with Bruce Willis: “I had no help from this dude whatsoever.”
Chareth Cutestory says: “I really should listen to this jorts-ensconced taint enthusiast.” – No one, ever
So there you have it. Chino, Michelle, Ragnarok, Morton, and Chareth, email me your shirt size/color preference, and congrats to Token Black Guy on his $50 gift card. As for the rest of you, happy commenting, and consider the comments section of this post the place to nominate for this week’s comments of the week.