Marky Mark says he would’ve stopped 9/11, doesn’t masturbate

Hopefully you haven’t already read this story in the time it took me to make this Photoshop, but in any case, let’s all try to enjoy Marky Mark being a dumbass in this brief window before his publicist makes a full retraction. Here’s what he told Men’s Journal in a recent interview:

On being scheduled to be on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center
“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did,” he tells the magazine. “There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.'”

As HuffPo points out, this wasn’t the first time he’d brought it up either.

“We certainly would have tried to do something to fight,” he said in 2006. “I’ve had probably over 50 dreams about it.”

“Look, I’m a fightah. That’s why they cawlled me ‘fightah’ on the set of The Fightah. It’s just too bad that plane wasn’t pahked in Doahchestah, that camel jawckey woulda nevah gawt neah the cawkpit. Me and the hahd ons from the neighbahhood woulda been like, ‘Hey, gook! Go back ta fackin’ Afriker!’ Just like in the old days. I woulda given him the old Wahlburgah‘s numbah one cawmbo meal, a knuckle sangwich and a medium punch. POW!” Wahlberg told me, casually sipping a diet ginger ale. “I woulda given that terrahrist what fah.”

Which isn’t to say he doesn’t have a softer side. He also admitted crying “six or seven times” during The Help, and that he’s quit masturbating. Seriously:

He recalls that he cried “about six or seven times” during “The Help,” and, walked out of “Straw Dogs” because he did not like the rape scene.

Now a religious man, has markedly changed his sex life — at least when it comes to his own personal intimacy.

“I don’t get down with jerking off, dude. Look. I don’t believe in everything that the church says. I try to do the right thing. I lead a clean and pure life. I’m a married guy. I have a beautiful wife. Sex is not the most important thing to me, being horny all the time, spanking the — I mean, it’s not against the law. You can do whatever you want. And it’s not like, ‘I shouldn’t do it because of my faith. I’m just not really that into it that much anyway.” [HuffPo]

The new policy is an about-face from his younger years, when he had a tendency to FEEL IT, FEEL IT, as he would tell anyone who would listen.