I love kid’s movies from the 1990s. There were a rack of them made when I was growing up that catered to 8-14 year olds that were just about perfect. The Sandlot, the Mighty Ducks movies, Little Giants, etc. One of my favorites was 3 Ninjas — a film about three brothers (nicknamed Rocky, Colt, and Tum Tum) who were trained to be ninjas by their martial arts master grandfather. In the movie, the three brothers are put to the test and (SPOILER ALERT) end up saving the day. In the process, despite being 8-14 years old themselves, they manage to repeatedly disarm and overcome fully grown adult ninjas, often who outnumber them. I always figured these were the same sh-tty ninjas from the Foot Clan. While the basic idea of children beating up adult, armed ninjas is patently ridiculous, it is not the most bonkers part of the movie. That would be the above scene.
Over Christmas break I rewatched 3 Ninjas, because I am an insomniac and it was On Demand. This scene, where Rocky and Colt take on some schoolyard bullies in a game of basketball blew me away. It’s horrible and amazing, like Katy Perry singing topless. So I yoinked a bunch of screencaps and am going to break this down. That’s right. IT’S A SLIDESHOW PEOPLE!
The scene begins with the ball rolling over to the bullies, followed by them doing what good bullies will do, and refusing to give it back. Then the rest of their gang joins them, and it is straight on. Before we continue, though, let’s examine our antagonists.
Mini-Everlast: The obvious boss, he’s outfitted in a black, generic “Los Angeles” baseball jersey, and plain white fitted. Conceited douchey face, cool “tough guy” posture. Probably the type of guy who will eventually make his girlfriend sit in the back seat while he’s driving around with his boys.
Fake Kenan: Fat black friend. Mouthpiece of the group. Fantastically, he’s wearing a white t-shirt with the word “AWESOME” in block letters across across the top, and what appears to be a giant pig preparing to mount something. I want this shirt badly.
Backround (left to right):
Skinny kid: Has no business being in a gang of bullies. He almost definitely had a Sega Genesis, a hot older sister and/or a swimming pool. That’s the only explanation for his inclusion.
Fat kid at center: More on him later.
Asian kid: Diversity hire.
Bulls jacket kid: This kid is my favorite. Watch his walk and pose when the gang all forms together like Poseur Voltron. Captain doof. Sweet jacket, though.
Every good gang has a fat kid like this. Watch him in the background while Fake Kenan talks junk. He makes a smug face, and laughs extra hard at people’s jokes. I’d bet my parents’ house that he’s the type of guy who would stuff a nerd in a trash can, fart into the can, and close the lid. Also, if I know my 90s movies like I think I do, his farts smell TERRIBLE.
The Plot Thickens
The bullies challenge the brothers (L-Colt, R-Rocky) to a game of basketball. If the bullies win, they get the brothers’ bikes. If the brothers win, the bullies won’t take Rocky’s girlfriend’s bike. This brings up three important points: