The poster for Ericson Core’s Point Break remake hit a few days ago, looking like a ripoff of Furious 7, which is fitting, since The Fast and The Furious began as basically a Point Break ripoff set in the world of car racing. Now we have a trailer for the Point Break remake, which stars Luke Bracey as Johnny Utah, Edgar Ramirez as Bodhi, and Teresa Palmer as Lori Petty. The whole thing is sort of a mess of accents, with an Australian playing Johnny Utah, a Venezuelan playing Bodhi, and an Englishman (Ray Winstone) playing Angelo Pappas (“Utah! Get me two!”). Well sure, why not hire Russell Brand to piss on the Constitution while we’re at it.
The trailer begins with the quote, “‘There are some who do not fear death, for they are more afraid of not really living,’ -Ancient Proverb.” It seems pretty ballsy to call something you thought up watching Braveheart stoned an “ancient proverb.”
Then there’s some skydivin’ and some XXXTREME snowboarding, intercut with Luke Bracey’s solemn testimony before an FBI panel. Now this part deserves to be transcribed in its original glory:
“I believe that, like me, the people behind these robberies are extreme athletes, using their skills to disrupt the international financial markets. …And they don’t care who gets killed in the process.”
THEY’RE SHREDDING THE GNAR AND SHREDDING OUR LAWS IN THE PROCESS!
You have to hand it to them, that’s a pretty beautiful speech. “Gentleman, you may have noticed my sick knuckle tats. I’d like to think I have special insight into this unique case, and with your permission I would like to take to the streets, the sky, the waves, the crevasses and the caves to shred the gnar, do hot babes, and save America from terrorism.” (*air guitar, opens squirrel suit*)
EXT. DAY. Two investment bankers sit on the steps bemoaning their investments.
“Do you believe this? I’ve never seen the dollar tank like this! My positions are all screwed!”
“I’ve never seen anything like it. What could it be, Jenkins? Middle East war? Earthquake? Unforseen bubble?”
“Worse, man. Gang of BASE jumpers.”
Opens Christmas Day.