Poor Burnsy. I was having him cover for me today while I went to some screenings and took care of a few things. I already made him write about Happy Madison once today and it almost killed him, and that was just in reference to a possible Grown Ups sequel. Making him cover this was out of the question. In any case, yes, Adam Sandler has signed on to co-write and star in the movie adaptation of Candyland (which we first heard about three years ago). Yes, Candyland the board game. We have reached the suck singularity.
Columbia Pictures, Happy Madison and Hasbro, Inc. are in final talks to develop Candy Land, a live action movie based on the bestselling Hasbro board game with Adam Sandler attached to star. Kevin Lima (Enchanted) is attached to direct the project for the studio with Sandler and Robert Smigel are in talks to write the screenplay.
Candyland is basically ‘Sorry’ with candy painted on the board, and adding Sandler to that mix doesn’t do much to alter my conception of what a movie adaptation might look like. Basically, the game pieces all shout-talk in a weird baby voice now.
Created in 1949, Candy Land takes players on a magical journey through fantastical lands made of candy, sweets, and ice cream: the Peppermint Forest, the Gum Drop Mountains, and the Lollypop Woods. Along the way, players encounter such iconic characters as Princess Frostine, Lord Licorice, Mr. Mint, and King Candy.
Mmm, yes, iconic indeed. Iconic in the way that no one remembers them. Meanwhile, Robert Smigel you might recognize as the man behind SNL’s TV Funhouse and the voice of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. But he also co-wrote You Don’t Mess With the Zohan in addition to this. My working theory is that one of the Happy Madison guys kidnapped his children. Peter Dante, probably, he looks swarthy.
Commenting on the announcement, Columbia CEO Doug Belgrad said, “Candy Land is more than just a game. It is a brand that children, parents and grandparents know and love. The world of Candy Land offers an extraordinary canvas upon which to create a fantastical, live-action family adventure film with a larger than life part for Adam. We are thrilled to partner with Hasbro and Happy Madison on this project.” [Deadline]
Thank God I wasn’t at this press conference.
BELGRAD: Candyland is more than just a game…
VINCE: No it’s not! In fact it’s the very definition of ‘just a game!’
BELGRAD: The world of Candy Land…
VINCE: IT’S A F*CKING PIECE OF CARDBOARD! IT’S NOT A ‘WORLD!’ IT’S A MAP! MADE OF CANDY DRAWINGS! HERE! HERE’S AN OFFENSIVE CARICATURE OF ASIAN AMERICANS MADE OF HERSHEY KISSES! IS THAT A WORLD TOO?!! GAAAAAH!
BELGRAD: …offers an extraordinary canvas upon which to create a fantastical, live-action family adventure film with a larger than life part for Adam.
VINCE: AN EXTRAORDINARY CANVAS?!? YOU MEAN AN EXTRAORDINARY PIECE OF MOTHERF*CKING CARDBOARD?! YARGLBARGHHHH… (*falls dead of brain aneurysm, camera pulls back to reveal he’s been shouting at a stuffed animal this entire time. Out the window, Adam Sandler’s kids drive by in the back seat of a stretched Bentley spitting caviar on each other*)
In conclusion, if Paul Blart doesn’t play King Candy I will eat my hat.