Remember this Folger's commercial? It first aired in the late 2000s but has come back to television year after year. It's real. Somehow. And we deserve it every holiday season.
It's about a son coming back from overseas to hang with his family on Christmas. His sister is excited to see him! Their parents are overjoyed. The synopsis is charming but the reality is a cackling horror show.
I still cherish it so much. Here's why.
1. Observe the first glance between the two siblings. If you haven't seen your sister in awhile, you're probably not going to greet her with flirty side-eye. But you'll soon find that a different set of rules runs this household.
2. You'll notice the sister refers to herself as “sister.” I assume this was added to downplay, you know, the freakish carnal heat. You try pointing to yourself and saying “sister.” What did you feel? Good? Bad? Bad.
3. “I waited up all night for you, you know?” Why would he know that, sis? Do you do this often? You do this often.
4. The brother says he's coming back from “West Africa.” If you've been to West Africa, “West Africa” is not how you'd describe West Africa. You'd pick a country or a region and say that instead. And by the way? It's very possible that West Africa has better coffee than that can of Folger's.
5. The way he tells her, “I got you something from far away” with smug pride is eerily similar to the guy in the “Oops!… I Did It Again” video telling Britney he retrieved the Titanic jewel for her. As far as I know, that guy wasn't Britney's blood relative. But “as far as I know” says so little when you approach the universe of this commercial.
6. Wait, remember when the sister said she was up all night? I'm still thinking about that. Is the commercial implying she's been slurping Folger's for nine hours? I was worried before, and now I'm re-worried.
7. Because this is how you look at your sister.
8. Ugggggh, that bow! Just an excuse for Horny Insomniac Sister to get a paw on dem pecs.
9. The absolute best part: The parents rushing in at just the right moment before the tension gets out of hand. Like they've walked in on their kids playing grab-ass before and are prepared to swat some palms. “It's your brother, Samantha! God help us, we should've sent you to Vassar. They'd have straightened you out.”
10. As the son hugs his mom, we get one last giddy, yearning, hopeful stare from his sister. She is perched on the counter like his glowing prize, her eyes alit in a hyper-caffeinated blaze of desire. Wow. Beautiful. Emotional. Achingly sexy.
Merry Christmas from my intense discomfort.