Welcome to the Over/Under of Lucha Underground for season 3 episode 4, now with 100% fewer references to Bagel Bites. In this column, we analyze the best and worst things about every episode of the best wrestling show on television. If you need to catch up, you can read about season 1 here, and season 2 here. Season 3 episode recaps can be found here.
Re-post: If you’re still wondering how to watch the show, it airs every Wednesday night on El Rey Network. If you don’t have El Rey on your cable system, you can get it on Sling. If you can’t do that, you can download the episodes on iTunes. They’re selling a “season pass” right now where you can get every new episode right after it airs. If you can’t do that, and you demand viewing information without just being a cheapskate and googling “watch lucha underground online free,” I don’t know what to tell you. Watch the show.
And now, the Over/Under on Lucha Underground season 3 episode 4, originally aired on September 28, 2016.
Over: Dario Cueto Still Passive-Aggressively Hates Sexy Star
One of the best stories of season one was Dario Cueto trying to bring the “best fighters in the world” to his Temple, then getting mad that some of the best turned out to be unconventional underdogs. He had it out for Pimpinela Escarlata for being an Exocito, disrespected Mascarita Sagrada for being a mini and was extra vindictive against Sexy Star for being a woman who thought she could compete with the men. Sexy stuck around and proved him wrong, and while Dario’s stance on the weirdness of his Temple has certainly softened, he still wouldn’t be sad if, say, Sexy Star got fed to a cage monster.
This week’s episode starts with Dario confronting Sexy about the futility of defending her Gift of the Gods Championship, pointing out that she’s damned if she does — if she challenges Matanza, she’ll get destroyed — and she’s damned if she doesn’t: If she keeps defending the championship instead of cashing it in, she’s eventually going to lose it. Sexy responds to him in English, saying she’s not going to be afraid of anything anymore, and Dario (being the most actually evil dude in the world) makes fun of her English. He says she should be “a-fred,” and when he leaves, he says he’s “a-fred” he must be going. It’s amazing to me how much more believable and evil an authority figure feels when they clearly don’t give enough of a sh*t about you to be loudly confrontational to your face and just make verbal wanking motions every time they talk to you.
The homie John Mundo shows up and, for the first time apparently, introduces himself to Sexy Star. He removes his glasses and shakes her hand before trying to intimidate her and telling her he’s the next Gift of the Gods Champion. He tries to pull away, but Sexy holds her grip on the handshake, and Johnny’s all, “oh sh*t this lady is overpowering me” before she lets go. She does a big exaggerated “Mitch Connors dissipating in the wind” gesture and Johnny dramatically PUTS ON his sunglasses. He’s going back into his shell. I love this SO, SO much.
This all culminates later in the night, when the Worldwide Underground takes on the Superfriends and Sexy in an Atomicos match. The finish here, as it should be, is Johnny Mundo blindsided Sexy with a kick while she’s about to take out Jack Evans, and Jack getting an opportunistic-as-hell bridging pin. It’s a great way to have Sexy’s evident top challenger defeat her without actually having to defeat her one-on-one, so you don’t have the champ taking a bunch of non-title losses like no promotion should do ever.
One “Under,” though.
Under: Is Taya Hurt?
At the end of the match, Taya is on the ground basically crying, holding her leg. It looked too legit to be part of the story, so I hope I’m just underestimating the subtlety of her physical acting and that she was just milking an excuse to not be in the ring during the finish. If Taya gets hurt and we still don’t have Angelico, we’re basically cutting the best member from every Trios team. Fenix better watch his ankles.
Over: I Knew It Was You, Castro. You Broke My Heart.
In my favorite backstage bit of the night, Dario Cueto hugs Cortez Castro like Michael Corleone kissing Fredo and welcomes him back to the Temple.
Two weeks ago, undercover cop Joey Ryan ratted out fellow cop Cortez Castro to save his own ass — and make child support payments — because he wants to be on the “right side” of the upcoming war. Ryan realizes one side has (at best) 1/3 of The Crew and a half-immortal police chief, and the other side’s got Lorenzo Lamas and a God-inhabited Spanish cage monster and like, the limo devil or whatever.
This week, Castro returns. Cueto’s in a tough spot. He can’t just be like, “I know you’re a cop,” because that would invite a world of legal problems he’s trying hard to avoid (per the limo devil telling him he’d straight-up kill him if he went back to jail). He doesn’t want the cops to know he knows about the cops, you feel me? It’d also sour whatever arrangement he’s got going with Joey Ryan. He also can’t just kill the dude like he did to Mr. Cisco, because again, he’d risk going to jail again and getting jacked by lucha libre Wolfram and Hart. So what can he do? Just coldly pretend like everything’s fine, and immediately book Castro in an impromptu match against a pissed-off ninja skeleton who’ll break his arms.
I love that subtle effect when Castro’s leaving the office, with the flashing red and blue lights of the Temple that ABSOLUTELY mirror the police lights from the ending of season 2. Welcome to your life now, Cortez the Killer.
Oh, also, infinite +1 to Dario for suggesting that BIG RYCK killed Cisco for burning out his eye with a cigar. Continuity like that on a wrestling show sets of fireworks in my brain.
Pentagon Dark finally (finally) gets a win post-endarkening, package-piledriving Castro and breaking his arm as planned. Dario out here using people he hates to incapacitate people who don’t know he secretly hates them. That’s some cold-blooded evil mastermind sh*t right there.
After the match, Pentagon cuts a promo about how he’d break his mom’s arm if she got in the ring with him, because Pentagon is the greatest and I’d really like to continue enjoying him for the rest of the season instead of constantly explaining why he’s losing.
Over: Prince Puma Dark
Speaking of Dudes Gone Dark, here’s Prince Puma going at the very least Prince Puma Dim against former Mil Muertes charge (literally) Siniestro de la Muerte. Everything Puma does here hits with confidence and an edge, and honestly he looks like the most supernatural, unstoppable pro wrestler on the show. Seriously, Prince Puma turned up to 11 is DANGEROUSLY good.
His bone-crunching of Siniestro eventually brings out Mil and Catrina, with Mil trying to get physically involved. Puma dodges him, causing him to run into the ring post, then beats up Siniestro with Mil’s own moves IN FRONT OF HIM. When the match is over, Puma interrupts his own dramatic staredown by just sprinting toward the ropes and diving onto Mil. Once again Catrina has to pull Mil away from the fight, because … well, he might not be powerful enough to hang with the f*ckin’ Aztec Hero Protagonist.
Later, Siniestro tries to apologize to Catrina again and GETS HIS NECK BROKEN, killing him and officially putting an end to the Disciples of Death. To make matters even more supernaturally confusing, Catrina breathes in his electrical power powder or whatever — or was that his soul? I don’t know how this works — and mists it at Mil Muertes to absorb. It makes his head electric (!) and makes his eyes glow.
And yes, part of me was hoping he’d do this with it:
But yeah, Siniestro de la Muerte is dead, the Disciples of Death are finished, Vampiro’s got Prince Puma on the same path he tried to get Pentagon Jr. to follow, Catrina can kill you and breathe out your f*cking lifeforce and Mil Muertes has got an electric face. IT’S GOING DOWN ON LUCHA UNDERGROUND SEASON 3.
Over: Ref Mysterio Jr.
The main event is the most traditional, easy-to-follow pro wrestling story of the night, which you kinda sorta need when you’re following electric skeleton deaths. Last week, Dario set up Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs. El Dragon Azteca Jr. for a shot at Pentagon Jr., with Rey Mysterio Jr. as referee. God, I wish they’d call this the Junior Heavyweight Division.
Anyway, the match is straight-forward and one of the best Chavo matches in years, and also mostly just what you’d expect. Chavo uses his sh*tty veternism to control the match, but his bad temper and long-standing rivalry with Rey Mysterio starts to push him over the edge and he attacks Rey. Instead of disqualifying him, Rey just gives him the greatest “mother f*cker” look, clocks him in the face and sets up Dragon Azteca for the victory. After the match, he hits a 6-1-9 in a referee shirt, because of course he does.
And finally, NINJAS.
Over: BLACK LOTUS-CYCLE CLUB
Over in Hong Kong (I think), we catch up with former Dario Cueto bodyguard and El Dragon Azteca Sr. murderer Black Lotus, recovering from getting her arm broken at Ultima Lucha Dos and, apparently, FORMING A CABAL OF NINJAS WITH WHICH TO DESTROY PENTAGON DARK AND TAKE EL DRAGON AZTECA JR.’S MASK.
Lotus menacingly blows out some flames and is all,
… so you know she means business.
The last image of the show is Black Lotus standing amidst her clan, who’d better be joshi stars even though they’re in Hong Kong or whatever and not just Additional Lucha Guys. Although it’d be pretty funny if Siniestro de la Muerte got repackaged as Ninja de la Vela.
Join us next week when, uh, a vampire tries to guide a puma through a field of ninjas, skeletons and Electric Death.
