Jay Leno’s Internal Monologue And External Dialogue

07.08.10 8 years ago 18 Comments

Iallalallal I always love stories about your dad, how how how’s he doing?

I sure am glad that they made my set look exactly like the first level of Perfect Dark. My first choice was Complex, though. Even just that one room where there’s the ramp that leads up to it, and then the little opening on the other side where you could throw proximity mines. It would have been a lot easier to defend.


Hey, did I hear about this? Did I guys hear about this? Apparently Jay Leno (me) did not get any Emmy nominations.


I sure wish people didn’t hate me so much.

Hee hee!

I just want to make people laugh, really. Maybe I’m not that good. I sure do try, though. I drive around a bunch of neat cars, figure people would get a kick out of that. Guess they don’t. Thought it’d be pretty winning if I were humble enough to make light of the size of my chin. Guess I wasn’t.


This John C. Reilly fellow sure is funny. Wonder if I could be funny like him. People seem to like him a lot. He doesn’t even have to make jokes about Paris Hilton to be funny. Hey, did I hear about Paris Hilton? Did I hear about this? Apparently she– no, stop it. Stop it, James.


People like Conan too. I wish we could still be friends. I sure do feel bad, though. I was kind of a jerk, but if I say that out loud, I’m sunk. So are the folks who work for me. One of the writers brought in his two-year-old the other day. He smiled at me. It made me really happy.

Ha! Ha ha!

Everyone is so mad at me. It’s just television. I wish they knew that if… I don’t know, if I saw that their car was broken down on the side of the road, I would pull over and help them, even if I had someplace to be. I’d try and fix their car, and make a bunch of car jokes, try to cheer them up. I would be nice to them. Hopefully they would laugh at my jokes about cars.

Hah heh. Hee heh ha.

Wonder whether people would even care if I told them that. Wish I could tell them I’m sorry.

Hah! Nyuk! Heh! Ha!

Well, I suppose I might as well just keep tryin’ to make people laugh. Make people happy. Do silly stuff, funny stuff, make people smile.

John C. Reilly, everybody!

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