I won’t bury the lede this week, people: Amar is back, and heading to the finale! Is it any coincidence that he’s the only contestant this season to have personally fed me fancy ham? Not a chance. Let this be a lesson, chefs, if you want that Uproxx bump you’d better stock up on cured meats.
Obviously, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. This week, the remaining chefs — J-Rock, Mike Ms.Abella, and Cornbread — headed to Vegas, where they were joined by this year’s Last Chance Kitchen winner, the previously noted Amar Santana, aka Big Sleazy, aka Ham Dad. All agreed that Big Sleazy was a strong competitor, though they weren’t thrown by the twist.
“I’m ready,” said Cornbread, “I’ve seen this show before.”
Ah yes, so have we Cornbread, so have we. The gang barely had a chance to cool their heels in the swanky hotel room before they were whisked off to their first challenge, which was a doozy: trying not to look down Padma’s dress while she dealt them some cards.
Just look at the heroic restraint Tom Colicchio is showing, not to mention highly-evolved peripheral vision. You can tell he’s been doing this for 13 seasons.
Anyway, the cards — gambling! Vegas! get it? — were for a challenge with the theme of… uh… class warfare? As Padma explained it, when playing cards developed in the middle ages, spades were originally intended to represent royalty, hearts the clergy, diamonds merchants, and clubs the peasantry (also, barbers were doctors and sometimes they put holes in your skull to let the bad stuff out). Each contestant had to choose a card, and could cook only with the pantry assigned to their corresponding card suit. Amar drew the club, meaning he had to cook using only peasant food. Marjorie, meanwhile, drew the spade, meaning she could with the royal pantry. I mean, it’s the second to last challenge, why not dole out totally unfair assignments based entirely on chance?
While Amar was limited to beef tongue and chicken livers, Marjorie’s pantry for a king turned out to contain sumptuous delicacies like… uh… Stone beer and… Sriracha hot sauce.
Then the contestants headed off to the MGM Grand Garden Area, which, Jeremy noted, “has held some of the sickest fights in history.” Too true, J-Bone. For her part, Marjorie ended up cooking salmon, which seems more like middle class Caucasian wedding fare than food fit for a king. I’m just saying, if you showed up in my court with anything less than an animal braised inside another animal, you’re getting beheaded. Jeremy ended up winning with some poached chicken and pickled grapes, which means Jeremy goes to next week’s final finals, while the remaining three were forced to face off again in pre-final part two to determine the second spot.
That’s when the Top Chef producers brought out their secret weapon: David Copperfield. The show thus combining the two main things Vegas is known for: gambling, and celebrities you probably thought were dead two days ago. Copperfield explained that the point of magic is not to trick, but to inspire. “I do with magic what you do with cuisine,” he said, and it takes a real showman believe this much in the words he’s saying even when they mean nothing at all. Stagecraft!
Padma tells the contestants, “We want you to take inspiration from David’s illusions.”
As applied to a culinary challenge, this turns out to mean, what else? MOLECULAR GASTRONOMY. Bro, do you even lecithin? Ta da! I’ve turned an oil into a powder! Do I get to marry Claudia Schiffer now?
Meanwhile, Isaac, bless his drawn-butter drenched heart, opts not for any molecular tricks, but for “chicken-fried steak,” a dry-aged ribeye grafted to a piece of crispy chicken skin (I think crispy chicken skin might’ve been the real star of this season).
“Put away da caviar, Peppah! We done got here cookin’ owah vittles, an we gon’ leave cookin’ owah vittles, oooh wee! If dem ol’ fancy folk don’t ‘preciate Cornbread at his woist, dey don’t desoive him at his best, ain’t dat right?” (*Isaac’s lizard sidekick, Peppah nods approvingly and puts a frog in the pot*) (*frog ribbits*) (*zydeco music*)
Marjorie burned her tongue on some liquid nitrogen, meaning she couldn’t taste her food (hey, it could’ve been worse, at least she didn’t lose her entire stomach on her 18th birthday — be careful with that stuff, seriously), while Isaac was always probably just too Cajun for the judges, allowing Big Sleazy to waltz into the finale. Which he did while cooking a savory white chocolate truffle ganache, a mole, two or three different molecular techniques — basically everything I warned against in my pre-show primer. But it doesn’t matter, because now he’s a finalist, opposite Jeremy. It’s Big Daquiri vs. J-Rock, Big Sleazy vs. Frat Dad, Crab Nachos v Spicy J-Rock 305. Could this be the chillest Top Chef finale of all time?
This Week’s Mostly Unnecessary Rankings
1. Jeremy
Nickname(s): Frat Dad, J-Bone, Spicy J-Rock 305
Coming off last week’s win, J-Rock won the first challenge this week and waltzed right into the finale. Obviously, he couldn’t be denied for the top spot. Jeremy has won the most challenges this season, which would seem to make him the obvious favorite. HOWEVER: there are two potential X-factors here. First, I’m not sure J-Bone has ever pulled off three straight victories. That’s just a level of consistency that’d be hard for anyone. Secondly, he seems to do worse the more time he has to think about something. See: his disastrous plan for a fast-casual taco joint/gastropub/Hooters from a few episodes ago.
Challenge One Dish (Diamonds): Butter poached chicken, zucchini pureé, chicken crackling with pickled sweet and hot grapes.
Review(s): “The crunch is great.” “These grapes are a real eureka moment.” “This is something I will take away and think about for a long time.” I had my first pickled grape a few weeks ago. It seemed weird at first, but it was delicious. Then again, is anything bad pickled? Other than your mom.
Notable Quote(s): “The MGM Grand Garden Arena has held some of the sickest fights in history.”
2. Amar
Nickname(s): Big Sleazy
If I were Amar, my plan would be to mercilessly rip on Jeremy for always making crudos, in the hopes that Jeremy tries to branch out and prove you wrong. Then, make a crudo of your own, since the judges can’t resist them, no matter how often they complain.
Challenge One Dish (Clubs): Sauteed chicken livers and onions with root vegetable pureé, crispy leeks, and carmelized honey gastrique.
Challenge One Review(s): “I have to say, the peasants are eating pretty well.”
Challenge Two Dish: Squab, white chocolate truffle ganache, whipped balsamic, mole sauce & potato “onion” ring.
Can we just talk about how bizarre this dish sounds for a second? It’s pigeon cooked in chocolate-less chocolate sauce with mushrooms grown underground, some kind of vinegar emulsion, a famously-complex Latin sauce, and a hollowed out potato.
Challenge Two Review(s): “It’s beautifully plated.” “Ooh, the spice comes sort of at the end.” “There’s a lot going on but it all makes sense.” “There was just so much to explore.” “It was like a show. There was a lot of technique, but everything really delivered in terms of flavor too.”
3. Isaac
Nickname(s): Cornbread, Roux McClanahan
Isaac may not have won, but he accomplished a few other things. Namely, making food that looked/sounded really good on TV, and if he doesn’t win the fan favorite voting, I will be shocked.
Challenge One Dish (Hearts): Seared black cod with carmelized fennel, eggplant, and red wine vinegar.
Review(s): “It’s a very fatty fish, and the olives really help cut through all that.” “I really liked the idea of being able to soak up that sauce with the bread, but the bread was really dry and I couldn’t do that.”
Challenge Two Dish: Chicken fried steak, quadruple fennel pureé and yuzu hollandaise
Review(s): “Mmm. I think they taste fantastic.” “That’s a nice trick, but all these beautiful ingredients are what really shine.” “I find the yuzu puree to be not smooth enough. It’s really grainy.”
Notable Quote(s): “I love magic. It fascinates me. I do a couple tricks myself. I am STOKED.”
4. Marjorie
Nickname(s): Mike Ms.Abella, Sheyore, Dark Horse
After the last couple of shows, I really expected Marjorie to make it to the finale. But she ended up sabotaging herself by trying to drink a caustic chemical and couldn’t taste her own duck sauce. It’s a story as old as time. If only she’d baked some bread. Marjorie also brought out the best “skeptical Tom” reaction shot, either because of her decision to make duck a la orange, or because of her refusal to pronounce “orange” the French way.
Challenge One Dish (Spades): Seared salmon with vadouvan beurre monté, shaved vegetable salad, and meyer lemon pureé. (Booooooring)
Review(s): It’s nicely cooked. I love the brightness in your salad.
Challenge Two Dish: Duck A La Orange with Braised Endive, Caramelized Romesco & Fennel Pureé
Review(s): “Wow. It’s very beautifully presented.” “The endives are wonderful.” “They all go together.” “I want more orange. I want more orange payoff.”
It would’ve been a nice touch if Marjorie had taken her frozen orange, crushed it into a fine powder, and had the judges snort lines of it off the mirrored plate. Oh well, maybe next time.
Next Week
It’s Chef Amar Santana vs. Chef Jeremy Ford in the finale. The way I see it, two things are all but guaranteed: the eliminated chefs will return to judge and/or take part in the challenge, and Phillip will return to offer some drama. Bet on it.
—
Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook, find the latest movie reviews here.
