Empire (FOX, 9:00 p.m.) — Everything that I’ve read seems to indicate that Taraji P. Henson is going to be TV’s next great hurricane of frightening fabulosity, so FOX might just have a hit on their hands with their new hip-hop soap opera/iTunes music store commercial.
American Idol (FOX, 8:00 p.m.) — The 14th season begins with the ever-popular “Audition Episodes” where the pain is doubled and everybody wins… except the contestants who cut their gentle hands on the broken glass of their shattered dreams while crawling away from the crash site where their innocence died.
The Goldbergs (ABC, 8:30 p.m.) — Though I often associate the New Kids on the Block with the 90s, they were a part of the 80s, and thus they fall under the jurisdiction of The Goldbergs. (Fun fact: if you count Entertainment Tonight‘s NKOTB “Where Are They Now?” special that’s on TVGN tonight at 8:00 p.m., there are three New Kids on the Block-centric shows on the air tonight. What the f*ck?)
Modern Family (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) — Everyone handles a near death experience differently after they all almost die in a car crash. Which is weird since I always assumed that everyone was already dead except Phil and that the show was actually taking place within the caverns of his pharmacological-induced hallucination as he sat in an asylum. Fan theories, they’ll break your heart every time.
The People’s Choice Awards (CBS, 9:00 p.m.) — People be choosing as Mom stars Anna Faris and Allison Janney host and everyone realizes that they aren’t nearly as funny when they aren’t joking about teen pregnancy and addiction.
Black-ish (ABC, 9:30 p.m.) — Junior plays Romeo and his sister plays Juliet in a school play and Dre gets dissed in front of Rainbow by another guy.
American Horror Story: Freak Show (FX, 10:00 p.m.) — The Twins fall for a traveling salesman and at least one person surely dies.
Hindsight (VH1, 10:00 p.m.) — VH1 goes scripted with a show that employs a classic time-jump scenario to allow the producers to boil down the 90s to little more than a hair cut, Uggs boots, and an Ace of Base song. This is like an adaptation of I Love the 90s, essentially.
Donnie Loves Jenny (A&E, 10:30 p.m.) — The third New Kids on the Block-centric show of the night (unless Hindsight drops a sweet Jordan Wood reference on us) features Donnie Wahlberg and Jenny McCarthy’s wedding. Chris Hardwick is set to officiate in front of 50 SINGLE WOMEN! AND 50 SINGLE GUYS! And that’s how you celebrate the 90s, Hindsight. A Singled Out reference.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Bill Maher and Nick Kroll on Kimmel; Julianne Moore and Marv Albert on Letterman; David Arquette on the Drew Carey guest-hosted Late Late Show; Liam Neeson, Fred Armisen, and Carrie Brownstein on Fallon; Jane Lynch and Lucy Hale on Meyers; Ava DuVernay on The Daily Show; Review host Andy Daly, Brett Gelman, and Paul Scheer on @Midnight; and Elizabeth Banks and Vinnie Jones on Conan.
