Someone who surely possesses a sparkling personality uploaded a 46-minute long bootleg edit of Star Wars: The Last Jedi to Pirate Bay on Sunday, calling it “The Last Jedi: De-Feminized Fanedit (aka The Chauvinist Cut).” Yes, he — let’s go ahead and assume “he” — removed “Girlz Powah and other silly stuff.” So… he didn’t like it?
And what was changed in this totally alpha male, non-cuck-for-sure edit of Last Jedi? Spoilers ahead.
Gone is Laura Dern’s character (Vice Admiral Holdo). Poe Dameron comes up with her kamikaze idea instead, and he dies. Before he dies, he has a much easier time with General Leia, who “never scolds, questions nor demotes Poe” for disobeying orders and getting people killed. One of those people killed was bomber pilot Paige Tico (played by Vietnamese actress Veronica Ngo). The fan edit maker cut her scene entirely and refers to her only as “China girl” and calls the character’s sister Rose Tico “Asian chick,” in case you were wondering if this nonsense was also going to be racist. (Of course it is.)
Speaking of Rose Tico (Kelly Marie Tran), her scenes were drastically cut down; her and Finn’s Canto Bight scenes are completely omitted. The uploader says, “Asian chick speaks less, doesn’t bully Finn, Finn doesn’t try to escape, she is never formally introduced. She is just there and occasionally smiles at Finn or screams ‘Finn!’. She has no sister. Serves her right for all the heinous stuff she did.” (Uh… what heinous stuff?)
In this version, Leia dies and it’s Kylo who kills her, because apparently you aren’t a real alpha male unless you kill your mom. Lovely. The uploader also says there’s no “superpowered” Rey. When her and Kylo fight Snoke’s guards, Kylo kills almost all of them while “Rey struggles with a single one.” Captain Phasma is also much weaker; she’s “finished after the first blow by Finn” because “women are naturally weaker than men.” (Even Brienne of frickin’ Tarth, dude?)
The uploader also has complaints about Luke. Among other changes, “Luke is not a semi-force-ghost and is smashed by the first laser cannon shot.”
News of the edit’s existence prompted an appropriate reaction from Star Wars: The Last Jedi director Rian Johnson, which was then echoed by stars Mark Hamill and John Boyega:
They weren’t the only ones having a laugh. Jokes circulated around Twitter. Some people envisioned their own version of a fan edit:
Others wondered about the type of person who would be this Mad Online™.
Others raised important questions about which scenes may have been cut:
And others just let important works of art sum up their response.