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Kid Rock Issued Two Profanity-Laced Responses Regarding His Infamous Glass Dildo

By 08.04.14
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He is, after all, the American Badass, so when you come knocking with your lawyers to subpoena a glass dildo, you better know that Kid Rock is not the kind of guy you want to mess with. In a story that brought us an instant contender for Headline of the Year, Kid Rock (real name Bob Ritchie) was named by “Dirty Dan” Diamond as the man in possession of a glass dildo that is apparently a piece of evidence in publicist Andrea Pellegrini’s sexual harassment lawsuit against the Insane Clown Posse and Psychopathic Records. It’s truly the kind of case that keeps our nation’s law schools burying kids in obscene debt.

As far as Rock’s involvement and the existence of said glass sex toy, the Detroit rapper turned classic rock Chevy ballad singer doesn’t have a clue what anyone is talking about, and he is not very keen on even being mentioned. In separate statements to the lawyers on both sides of this lawsuit, Rock very casually stated his case in a post on his website entitled, “All Parties Involved in This ICP Glass Dildo Case Can Shove One Up Their Ass: Kid Rock Responds.”

Dear Jim Rasor and Jon Marko,

I’m told that you have issued a subpoena for a “glass dildo” that was supposedly given to me. No idea what you’re talking about, and I definitely don’t have it. I’ve never heard of, seen, or met any people involved in this case. But I’m pretty sure you already know that. What I do know is that you’ve been dragging my name around in the media to gain attention for your sad ass excuse for a law firm. I don’t care what you do when you finally catch up to the ambulances you chase, but I do care when you bring my name into it for no reason at all.

Let me ask you this. Say in a lawsuit that another crappy firm was handling, your names were brought up for no reason. You wake up one morning, excited for a new day of exploiting the legal system and people dumb enough to look at your website (nice pictures btw, did you study how to look like douchebags in college?), and when you open the newspaper there’s a report from someone you’ve never heard of talking about how Jon Marko and Jim Rasor got caught molesting animals at a petting zoo while high on bath salts. Now imagine you weren’t the scumbags you are, but a citizen who has raised millions of dollars for his hometown, spent hours helping to promote the arts, had helped wounded veterans returning from combat. Say you were people who aren’t a blight on our planet – wouldn’t you be pissed off that your name, for days on end, was being mentioned in the press when EVERYONE involved knew you weren’t involved in any way? Welcome to my side of this story.

-Kid Rock

HIS NAME IS KIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD and he just served you a glass dildo all over the place. But he wasn’t done with handing out swift verbal justice yet.

Dear Brian E. Koncius,

I’m told that your client has testified under oath in a deposition that he presented a former employee of Psychopathic Records with a glass dildo, who then allegedly gave the dildo to me? There are only two possible explanations for what your client said: either he is an absolute pathological liar, who for some insane reason decided to make up a bullshit story using my name or 2: he thinks he’s a comedian and was trying to be funny. If he was joking then he’s just an asshole who isn’t funny. But if it was not 100% clear that he was attempting to make a joke, then he just lied under oath because I’ve never met your client, and if I had met your client I’d certainly remember if he tried to give me a glass fucking dildo. Even if it was the “Rasor Law Firm” that sent a press release to the press, you have done nothing to clear up this blatant lie which makes you to blame too. It is obvious that all you assholes are using my name and notoriety to garner publicity for yourselves, which makes you the worst kind of scum. You’re the types of lawyers that make America a worse place for everyone.

I live in Detroit because I can stay out of the fray here and live my life the way I chose to. If I wanted to deal with this shit I’d move to LA, and if I want press, I can get it – trust me. No matter why your client said what he did, it’s clear that you, your client, and the Rasor Law Firm have gone out of your way to help get this story told. How would you feel if one day your name appeared across the internet connected to a story you knew absolutely nothing about. One day you come downstairs to the angry glare of your wife who asks if you really were arrested over the weekend for driving high on crystal meth with a bound and gagged hooker in your trunk. Did you? Because it’s all over the internet, some lawyer you’ve never met put it out in a press release! Must be true right? I’m guessing you probably wouldn’t like that, and would at least appreciate it if the guy who made it up admitted that you never did those things.

Your website says you represent people who are “interested in doing the right thing.” I don’t believe that, but prove me wrong.

-Kid Rock

You tell ‘em, Kid Rock.

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TAGSHILARIOUS LAWSUITSinsane clown posseKID ROCKLAWSUITSLAWYERSSEX TOYSsexual harassment

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