@matt_T tweeted at me a little earlier, and the message read, “I just saw this today. TNA has a scratch off lottery game in Georgia.” I wasn’t sure what to think. Then, suddenly, I wasn’t sure what not to think.
Collected below are 10 random thoughts I had about the Impact Wrestling scratch-off game.
1. When you scratch off a circle it’s not a number, it’s just a close-up of Austin Aries’ crotch.
2. The tagline for the Impact Wrestling scratch off should be “Win enough money to afford health insurance!”
3. If you don’t like that one, how about “Win enough money to pay the wrestlers who wrestle on your wrestling show!”
4. Or “You won’t win as much money as we pay Hulk Hogan, but you’ll win way more than we pay everybody else!”
5. I hope the rules on the back of the cards are in “tale of the tape” form.
6. Promotional idea: Before you can scratch off the first circle, a biker gang attacks you for no reason, breaks your hand with a rubber hammer, then never explains why they did it. If you’re buying an Impact Wrestling scratch off, you’re totally cool with this idea already.
7. If you win the jackpot on an Impact scratch off, the guy at the bank should pretend like he’s going to pay up, then attack you from behind. Then, I can only assume, he would reveal A VEST, and this would be very dramatic.
8. Brooke Hogan is contractually obligated to marry whoever wins this, then get upset about it.
9. I can understand putting Gail Kim and Velvet Sky on a scratch-off ticket (in the same way you’d put a reclining naked lady on a mudflap), but Magnus? I guess it’s like they always say, “Georgia loves Magnus.”
10. And of course Jeff Hardy has to be on it. “Want to be as rich as a drug felon from North Carolina? Play the lottery!” That slogan is already implied every time you play the lottery, I think.