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POWER RANKINGS: SUMMA SUMMA SUMMATIME

By / 06.20.08

I hate bullshit power rankings, so I make my own. 

1. Scarlett. The latest trailer for Vicky Cristina Barcelona Bananafanafofana really plays up the whole threesome angle of a film about a threesome. Quel frisson! How did Javier Bardem wangle his way into that love triangle? "I got here the same way the coin did," he says. Yes, lodged in Penelope's vag.

2. Summer. It's here, it's queer, it's… not as hot as it was a week ago. Most kind of you, summer.

3. Tiger Woods. You might of heard he won the U.S. Open while set on fire after rescuing three infants from a burning orphanage. Then he got surgery, which CNN declared the most important news EVAH!

4. Giant Robot Cows. One gets unveiled tonight at Turner Field, where he will convince the crowd to eat more chicken and Native American people. Whichever is more plentiful or tasty,

5. The Charles River. Something in it must cause rampant retardation in Boston. Whatever that something is, it's doing a bang-up job.    

6. Bulls. Not quite as high as their female robotic sisters, but gore a few more matadors in the crotch and we'll see where we place you. 

7. Injured kids.  Self-inflicted, or other kid inflicted? Really don't matter. As long as there's some administration of pain (preferably one that keeps us out of prison) to the young ones, we're doing all right.  You might be the future, but the pain is the present.

8. Javon Walker. People typically create tall tales about winning fights. Way too take the less trod route. 

9. Chad Johnson. He doesn't lie about crazy he is.

10. Fightin' Grannies. They both dish out and take contact so much better than those damn kids. Only the strong and truly treacherous can survive to an such an advanced age.


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