I’ll be the first one to admit that finding a different way of writing about sports every day can be a daunting pain in the ass. It’s an amalgam of skill and creativity that can–and often does–go wrong in the worst ways. So when someone else screws up, I’m happy to share it with the world. Enter Mark Whicker of the Orange County Register.
Mark caught wind of the Jaycee Dugard story and devoted a column to it, rolling off a list of sports highlights from the past 18 years. Oh, by the way, Jaycee was recently freed after being falsely imprisoned for two decades by a convicted rapist.
She never saw a highlight. Never got to the ballpark for Beach Towel Night. Probably hasn’t high-fived in a while. Now, that’s deprivation.
Can you imagine? Dugard was 11 when she was kidnapped and stashed in Phillip Garrido’s backyard. She was 29 when she escaped. Penitentiary inmates at least get an hour of TV a day. Dugard was cut off from everything but the elements.
Whicker continues. Oh, does he:
Dugard’s stepfather says she’s going to need a lot of therapy — you think? — so perhaps she should take a respite before confronting the new realities.
So, Jaycee, whenever you’re ready, here’s what you’ve missed:
And here’s the finisher.
Congratulations, Jaycee. You left the yard. via.
Oh, the shocking realities that await you! Like that motherfugging Barry Bonds!!
It’s especially hard for me to fake outrage since I don’t really have a conscience. But as far as the Orange County Register would be concerned, that seems a little…off. Current events tie-ins don’t really jive in the mainstream whenever they involve pedophila and statutory rape. That’s just one opinion. I’m sure Mark would love to hear yours.
UPDATE: Totally Radical Sportz got a reply from Whicker. ‘Unapologetic’ is a nice way to sum it up.