Best: Kharma Just Jumped Ahead About Four Years
Pro wrestler Kia Stevens got to live a dream she wasn’t expecting: she got to stand in the middle of a WWE ring on international television to tell her story, speak like a human being, and use the word “wrestling” a lot. I’m going to assume by “wrestling promotions in dark, dank corners of the world” she’s talking about CHIKARA. South Philly is pretty dank.
Most WWE Superstars have to meander around for five or six years before they’re allowed to do the Austin/Rock “my character is me but turned up to eleven~” thing. Austin’s on Tough Enough sending guys home because they aren’t standing out and making their own chances, but he doesn’t realize that doing that now gets you fired, and quietly doing whatever the hell they tell you is the only way to get title shots for Sheamus. Getting pregnant unexpectedly might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to Kong professionally, because now people see her as both a monster AND an identifiable human being, and she didn’t have to spend half a decade waxing savage to get there. She should show up a year from now, murder the Bellas and pick right back up where she left off. Congratulations, Kong, I hope you have a happy, healthy baby who doesn’t look anything like Cheerleader Melissa’s gay friends.
Worst: Guys on the Internet Talking About Kharma
I feel like I’m typing “guys on the internet” too much, especially since I’m a guy on the internet, but this needs to be said. There are only three things WWE fans online can say about Kharma getting pregnant, and they are:
1. Congratulations, this is a happy event and we can’t wait until you come back. (note: this is being said by me and maybe four other people on the Internet)
2. Ewww, somebody slept with Kharma??? Ewww! She’s overweight and black, etc.
3. How can she be pregnant, she JUST GOT THERE, this is going to RUIN HER PUSH (note: Guys on the Internet are OBSESSED with the idea of who is and isn’t being “pushed,” I don’t know if I should blame Scott Keith or some combination of Torch newsletters for starting this, but if wrestling fans could pledge not to say or think or type the word “push” for a year we’d evolve a third eye and reach enlightenment. Also, the amount of time she’s spent in WWE has nothing to do with how and when she got pregnant, as she is a human woman who exists outside of her job. I’m not going to find out my cousin is pregnant and be all OH MY GOD HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN SHE JUST GOT THAT JOB AT FAMILY DOLLAR HOW WILL THIS CHANGE HER JOB AT THE FAMILY DOLLAR. Wrestlers don’t have to exclusively have sex with other wrestlers, CM Punk is the exception, not the rule. Also, real life reproduction – not the Terri Runnels kind where any slight movement causes a miscarriage – trumps how quickly we get to watch her beat up Kelly Kelly, so please put your priorities in order and stop this guy on this kind of Internet.) She should just get an abortion! (note: I’m not Tim Tebow by any stretch of the imagination, but if you wish someone would get an abortion so you could watch more wrestling you are an awful person and should be ashamed of yourself).