The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 8/1

By: 08.02.11

Best: Sheamus Vs. Mark Henry

My girlfriend (who has taken pictures like this, in case you were wondering how I got a girlfriend) is studying hard to pass a CLEP test for French, so she spent most of the night flipping through dictionaries and color-coding things in notebooks and I missed out on her funny running commentary. She didn’t care about the Triple H and CM Punk stuff, she didn’t look up for Zack Ryder or Beth Phoenix, but the one thing she stopped, listened to and repeated was the “OIL FOIT ‘IM” from Sheamus in the Smackdown video package commercial we were lucky enough to see TWICE.

I am not exaggerating when I say I am done caring about this CM Punk stuff and am extremely, extremely excited to see if Sheamus can take out Super Mark Henry. Henry was been on the roll of his career lately and has risen above the grime and apathy of his past lives to become the most bad ass mother walking. Sheamus is the guy who should be the toughest guy in wrestling, and is just so weird looking and affable you can’t help but like him. Turn Mark Henry up to 11, turn Sheamus up to 11 (or maybe like an 8, because Sheamus at 11 could be permanently blinding) and run them at each other like trains. This is the most basic, effective, wonderful kind of pro wrestling, and if you don’t mark a little for I’M COMIN’ FOR YA, FELLA I don’t want to be your friend. It’s the irresistible force meeting the immovable object! The blackest guy in the company against the whitest! WHO WILL SURVIVE

Worst: What Is Alex Riley’s Deal

I can’t claim to have figured it out, but I think Alex Riley’s new gimmick is “I did a thing, so I think you should do something similar”. He once worked for the Miz and helped him cheat a lot, but he doesn’t do that anymore, so X person who cheats, you need to get rid of Y thing with which you’re cheating. Why do people keep trying to get Ziggler to drop Vickie Guerrero? She’s annoying, sure, but she doesn’t really do a lot to help him win. She’s not sneaking in behind the referee’s back and blasting Kofi Kingston with a tennis racket. Ziggler is proud of his accomplishments and confident in his job performance. Alex Riley arrived uninvited to insult him, criticize his friend and challenge him to an unsanctioned fight. Which one of these guys is the bad guy?

Alex Riley needs to stop what he’s doing, find his old letterman jacket with the big R on the front and revert back to the “I’m a bully, like in high school” act.

Best: Are We Okay Admitting That Vickie Is Not Fat Now

Are we? Because sure, Vickie’s not Maryse, but she’s right in the middle on the scale of Diva hotness. We’ve spent five years calling Vickie a sh*tty fat hog and not one second noticing how much Alicia Fox looks like Sam Cassell.

Best: The ALLLLLLLLLTimate Warrior

This week’s Lugz Presents The SummerSlam Boot of 1988 proved that great wrestling and great wrestling moments don’t always need to be bloody Broadways. Honky Tonk Man announced the he need somebody to Rassel and didn’t care who it was, Warrior sprint-huffed his way to the ring and threw bombs for 30 seconds until Honky died. The crowd went absolutely batnuts, and in half a minute a roided-up invalid in neon tassels punching a fat Elvis impersonator did more and meant more to history than ten years of Davey Richards Fighting Spirit.

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