Best: Bulldogs In The Style Of Jackie Gayda
In case you’ve never seen it, the worst WWE match in history is still Trish Stratus and Bradshaw against Jackie Gayda and Christopher Nowinski, a match so bad it gave Chris Harvard an irreparable concussion that is highlighted by a bulldog off the second rope so bad that scientists have theorized it may be the first step in unlocking the mysteries of time travel. Watch with gritted teeth as Jackie Gayda, female bodybuilder and Mrs. Charlie Haas, hears “bulldog” and decides to sell it by shaking her hair, falling to her hip and rolling over like she landed on her keys.
The entire thing is a marvel, and if you believe the revisionist history that says Trish Stratus was a great pro wrestler, jump to the three-ish minute mark and watch her execute the world’s most convoluted and physically impossible drop toe-hold. The WWE video at the top of the page picks up shortly after Vickie has sold a Kelly Kelly hair-dog in almost the same way, and Kelly needs to do the facial ass-rub next, so she just kinda kicks Vickie into position in the corner.
You don’t put Vickie into a match expecting her to be Eddie, and this is no worse than what I’ve seen Rosa Mendes pull on the reg, so I’m giving it a best. Also, f**king LOL.
Worst, But A Little Best: Oh Hi Jack Swagger
Wait, are we … are we doing something with Swagger and Ziggler finally?
In a running theme for Night Of Champions, Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler have been having issues for a month, and it took them nearly six weeks to throw a punch about it. They’ve both been entered into a fatal fourway match for the United States Championship, where “fatal fourway” is code for “we can’t put two heels in a match against each other, but I guess we can spend a month having them argue over personal issues, that’s fine”. I’m happy that we’re finally over that hump, though, and maybe Alex Riley and John Morrison will get eliminated expeditiously and give us an excuse to have the wrestlers who should be wrestling wrestling. Wrestling procedure when it comes to good guys and bad guys is so weird now. The Cleveland Browns play the Pittsburgh Steelers and those teams are rivals, sure, but they don’t ONLY play the Steelers, and sometimes they play the f**king Arizona Cardinals, a team they have nothing to do with.
I don’t know, bitching about wrestling not being enough like real sports is a hopeless battle, but I feel like wrestling fans could get a lot out of the thing they love if they’d stop having to say “boo” or “woo” for somebody or another during EVERYTHING.
Worst: Beth Phoenix Is Terrible At Strategy
Best: Kelly Kelly Has This All Figured Out
Beth Phoenix’s run-in after the Kelly Kelly/Vickie Guerrero is one of the worst executed things I’ve ever seen. Kelly beats Vickie in about thirty seconds, and I guess maybe Beth was expecting it to go longer and was planning to walk out wringing her hands, maybe she was going to sit backwards in a chair to psyche Kelly out, and then she was going to attack. But whoops, Vickie bit the dust at the negative four minute mark and Beth had to throw on her Shatterstar helmet and hoof it out there. She just sorta ran to the ring and tried to make it through the ropes, got kicked, and just sulked there in the ring while Kelly nonchalantly walked away with the belt. Why don’t you TRY AGAIN, Beth? Why not go back out of the ring and run up and punch Kelly in the back of the head? Kelly just doesn’t give a f**k, wandering away like it’s completely over, because she knows it is. Do something Beth, for the love of God, educate us on how a rough-and-tumble Diva does not instantly give up and become harmless when Kelly Kelly kicks them once.
Seriously, Kelly had a tougher time keeping hair from sticking to her face than she had with Beth.
Best: Mark Henry = Denzel Washington
Josh’s “Hall of Fame sounds just like Hall of Pain!” segue aside, how awesome is it to watch Mark Henry calmly talk trash and go HAM on the WWE roster? Okay, I don’t see him as Denzel, but I see him as Denzel’s buddy, and I hope that’s enough for him to give Randy Orton a Worldly Strong Slam at Night of Champions and usher in the Self-Proclaimed Age Of Gorilla. I don’t know if I see it happening right now, especially when the announcers are so hell bent on telling us Orton has no chance, but it’d be nice. CM Punk makes claims about being held back despite winning the world championship a handful of times, and here’s Mark Henry, an Olympic athlete who has been brought up and sent down and brought up and told to lose weight and sent down and put in a dashiki and a cock vice and his sister’s vagina for the last 15 years, waiting for a shot. Henry is sick of it, and he’s going to split wigs until he gets what he wants. That’s a wrestling character I can get behind.
Although it does sort of devalue his run as ECW Champion. But hey, the other day my friend Mike Ondrick mentioned how being ECW Champion was meaningless because Ezekiel Jackson was ECW Champion, and I typed “that was Bobby Lashley, n00b” before googling it and f**king remembering that Ezekiel Jackson was the ECW Champion. Yeah, that belt wasn’t worth the foam they glued silver plating to.