Best: Kelly Kelly, Master Debater
Most people who read The Best and Worst of Raw regularly probably saw this one coming, and felt it from the moment “Challah (Theme From Kelly Kelly)” played and the Divas champion food-serviced the Divas Championship to the ringside area for special guest commentary. One of Raw’s greatest-ever lines of dialogue occurred during the shouting match between K2 and Natalya:
Natalya: “You’re a sorry excuse for a Divas champion and you need to be educated as well as the WWE Universe.”
Kelly: “You’re a sorry excuse for … bein’ here!”
Cole consistently tried to overshadow and ruin everything by mentioning how Jim Ross loves barbecue sauce every time there was a pause, but it wasn’t enough. I could listen to Kelly as Drunk Leslie Knope attempting to argue talking points without knowing facts or having a point until the end of time, and suggest a WWE.com series where they bring in the world’s most literate minds to discuss things like abortion and health care at ringside with Kelly. I want to hear Congresswoman Louise Slaughter say, “Contraceptives have a proven track record of enhancing the health of women and children, preventing unintended pregnancy, and reducing the need for abortion” and for Kelly to respond with “Contraceptives have a proven track record of you even being here right now”.
And honestly, Kelly isn’t arguing the right points here. The point she should make is “Natalya and Beth say they want to educate the WWE Universe, but all they’ve done in the last month is clap, say they aren’t jealous and lose to me”. The point she makes is “shut up, no you aren’t”. The point she should be making is “I got this job because I’m pretty, but a lot of pretty girls have come and gone since I showed up, and I’m still here and winning championships because I worked hard to improve in the ring, and I think the people see that, and that’s why they support me”. The points she makes are “shut up” and “I worked my butt off to get here”, and I don’t want to overstep the bounds of masculine decency, but I don’t think what Batista did to you was “working your butt off”. Speaking of, I think the only way this commentary track could’ve been funnier and worse is if Randy Orton had been sitting at the timekeeper’s table, and every couple of seconds they cut over to him making a face that said “oh man, THIS whore”.
“The WWE Universe does not know any better, okay? The WWE Universe wants candy, and candy rots their teeth out. Beth Phoenix and I are here to educate the Universe on what is best for them, and it may be vegetables.”
That is such a fantastic quote from Natalya. So fantastic, in fact, that it distracted me from noticing Eve as Sin Cara 3 botching lucha transitions. I love vegetables. I’m vegan, they’re all I eat. As such, my quinoa is KANA, my portabella is Portia Perez and my Del Monte is Del Rey. I’ve lived on this diet for years, and it makes me feel good about myself and enjoy nearly everything I eat. When I ate meat (Lita, in this example) it seemed like the right thing to do, but it just didn’t feel right. Vegetables are the best decision.
Worst: Natalya And Beth Aren’t Really Educating Us On Anything
As a vegan who isn’t trying to get over as a heel with a Lifestyle Society I also recognize that a vegan diet may not be for everyone. People who Twitter about what they grilled or have Facebook photo albums dedicated to thinks like bags of marinade might only be able to understand Lita, and something rough and green like Veda Scott might not sit well in their stomachs. They can be taught to enjoy Veda (because she’s cute, and her promos make her sound like Romy from Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion), but coming right out and saying “you don’t make good lifestyle choices and can’t help it because you don’t know any better” doesn’t come across as facts, it comes across as confrontation, something to be booed.
That’s the bad part of this story. Beth and Nattie should should should should should should be educating the WWE Universe on how women’s wrestling can be as entertaining and valuable as men’s wrestling, because it is 2011 and we really should’ve stopped assuming women aren’t human beings a long time ago. The problem is that they’re approaching it the way they approached CM Punk’s Straight Edge lifestyle — as the crazed ramblings of a jealous jerk who is just in it for himself. That works for Punk, but it doesn’t work for two women who are going to live or die by the resolution. Natalya should say “here is why zucchini might be a better idea for your heart than pork” by saying “check out this Bull Nakano match, see how awesome she is? We could be trying to find more women like her”. It’s like Inception, you can’t implant an idea, you have to trick the person into thinking the idea was theirs to begin with. Nattie and Beth aren’t doing that, they’re just saying EAT THE VEGETABLES. That’s why so many kids grow up into adults who still think vegetables are gross. Conditioning, something that 20 years of us accepting Honky Tonk Man as a “great Intercontinental Champion” and not as a f**king worthless Elvis impersonator wrestler should show you WWE is great at.
If I want to convince someone I love to consider what food does below their mouth and not just how good it tastes in it, I invite them over and make them a delicious, filling vegan meal. Similarly, if I want to convince someone that women’s wrestling isn’t a sideshow for panty screencaps and the ass as a paintbrush, I invite them over and pop in a copy of Dreamslam. It’s not right for everyone, maybe, but there’s a guy in the audience who secretly really loves vegetables and needs to see some people who aren’t psychotic a-holes eating them and leading a normal life.
Best case scenario, Beth wins the title at Night Of Champions and I get to write the headline KELLY KELLY F*CKED BY VEGETABLE
Best: Please Leave, Yoshi Tatsu
I didn’t get to give ADR any Bests last week, so this week I’m gonna try to give him one on every page. He shooed away Drew McIntyre to have a conversation with Christian and made Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins leave the room so he could talk to Wade Barrett. I want Alberto Del Rio’s new job to be making the cast of Superstars leave whatever room they’re in.