Hilarious Worst: Did We Just Hear Randy Orton’s Inner Monologue?
I don’t know how long that video will be up, but until they take it down, jump to the 1-minute-50-second mark and watch Mark Henry say “vengeance is mine!” only to be answered by the GHOST OF RANDY ORTON. Theories:
1. For whatever reason, the WWE Universe has always been able to see and hear Orton’s subconscious. Evidence: the time he imagined his dad’s face was covered in blood and we I guess imagined it too. That video also features Josh Mathews being possessed and Orton seeing Undertaker in the mirror and being crazy, but again, we saw and experienced all these things, too.
2. Mark Henry has gone to the place where he hears voices, King.
3. Orton was just backstage with a mic doing an R-Truth thing and it came across weird because they didn’t cut over to the TitanTron. (this is clearly not the answer)
4. Randy Orton has become a telepathic mute, which would explain why I’ve been enjoying him so much as the quiet guy who wrestles bad guys in wrestling matches.
The match itself gets a very small “Worst” based on Mark Henry saying the feud was over and done with last week, but both guys being booked into this and going through the motions like that stuff never happened. It gets a very small “Best” for Randy’s “no… vengeance is mine” sounding so much like Sindel in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.
Best: Cody Rhodes, Herpetologist
Cody continues to be a bright spot on Raw and in a wrestling world where the WWE roster looks too much like the UFC’s and not enough like Street Fighter’s. It’s been pointed out (from the attempt at a Mr. Sinister jacket on) that what Cody’s going for is a comic book super villain, so he shows up like one of the freaky people from the 60s Batman show and never does anything more maniacal than tie up the hero and dance around him taunting. I also figured out an important cog in his delivery — since he’s portraying a comic book villain, the promo has to be broken up into fragments and spoken slowly, because only so many words can fit in a balloon.
“When you cut off the head of a viper, the venom goes with it!”
“Randy Orton, humiliated!”
“Would you like a receipt with your paper bag?”
Come on, you can’t see “Randy Orton, humiliated!” on the cover of an old issue of Brave And The Bold? Also, I’m not even sure how “would you like a receipt with your paper bag” is an insult, because I guess if you’re putting bags on peoples’ heads “paper of plastic” would work, or if you’re going for a grocery store thing “would you like a receipt” and then punching the guy might work, but “would you like a receipt with your paper bag” reads like J-Kwon in “Tipsy” saying “do a shake come wit those fries” and doesn’t make any sense, because the SHAKE is what you’re getting and fries relates that to food and no girl in the club is doing something you could call “fries”. That said, when he said it and started his slow Dr. Evil laugh I couldn’t help but smile, and you know what? It was the first time I’d smiled all show.
There is something wrong with putting a Rhodes in a four man stable, though. Cody shouldn’t be the Tully Blanchard, he should be the Baron Zemo, and he should command a bunch of Cody Rhodes-themed guys in matching jumpsuits.
Worst: Mark Henry Needing To Be Saved
The uncomfortable forward momentum of the show continued with Mark Henry getting RKO’d in the middle of the ring and needing a mid-card heel to run out and save him from a loss. This has more to do with me loving Mark Henry and wanting him to be the unstoppable force he was at first than it does “bad wrestling booking” or whatever, but I don’t remember Vader beating the dog balls out of the Z-Man and then three months into his run needing Larry Zybysko to run out and stomp Johnny B. Badd in the back to save the match. What is it with WWE and their incessant need to create something wonderful and let it dangle? The follow-through should be the best part. I shouldn’t be excited because something happened, I should be excited because something KEEPS happening.
Worst: The Big Show’s Whole Thing
Why is he dressed like that? He looks like he’s wearing a perverted Halloween costume.