Cole, it sounds like you’re saying “patted hiney”. Stop saying patented high knee.
Worst: CM Punk, Little Buddy, Defender Of The Status Quo
He smirked when Triple H’s music hit.
The worst aftershock of the Triple and Kevin Nash Summerslam Twist-and-Speech-O-Rama is how hard I’m finding it to like CM Punk. Punk’s been one of my favorite wrestlers for years, dating back to the Wrestlerave Colt Cabana/Lucy Furr days when he’d cut his heart open and bleed it out in an armory hallway because he MEANT it, and because he was the only one that did. I was excited when he and Mickie James tried to debut on Heat (with a guillotine legdrop finisher, of all things) and sad when they didn’t. I’ve gotten pictures with everyone from Ric Flair to Go Shiozaki, and Punk is the only wrestler I’ve met I was too intimidated by to be a mark for. I timidly said “excuse me, Punk” as he was walking down a flight of steps in Chicago, shook his hand, thanked him for everything, and let him go about the business of eating skinless chicken breasts and whatever else gets you to WWE.
I hate CM Punk right now. I never thought I’d type that. I can’t stand Cult of Personality anymore, and every time it plays it reminds me of those ten big paragraphs I wrote about what it meant, and what it was going to mean. Through circumstances I’m nowhere near qualified to explain outside of “none of this is real and I believe what they tell me to believe”, the one guy who spoke up for ME on national television in the face of three men directly responsible for the last 15 years of regressive pro wrestling culture has become the guy who dismisses criticism with a “you’re sheeple who complain about everything” wank and a smiling “these people” speech between commercials. I hate it. I don’t care if he’s telling me I’m a worthless piece of sh*t to my face — he’s done that before, thousands of times, and I’ve loved it. I just don’t like when he really makes me believe it in real life. Right now I believe I’m stupid for watching WWE, and everyone, including WWE, including CM Punk, agrees.
He’s good in the ring, he’s great on the microphone and he deserves everything he’s gotten. I guess maybe I’m just not supposed to like it.
Best: Miz On Offense
In a less existential opinion, how good as f**king Mike Mizanin gotten in the ring? I ragged on him for the longest time for looking like a guy pretending to be a pro wrestler instead of a pro wrestler, and I’m happy as hell that he’s rubbing that in my face. Whatever he’s figured out is working, because he’s starting to move like a wrestler. The corner clothesline looked like it killed Punk, and I’m sure part of that has to do with Miz wrestling a guy like Punk instead of a guy like Cena, but it’s the first time I’ve noticed it. He’s hitting hard, he’s getting hit hard, and he never looks like he’s ready to slow down. That’s good. Even the hilariously extraneous taunting he does looks like something a pissed off showboat would do. I want to cheer for the Miz, and for the first time ever it’s not because he’s funny and from Cleveland.
Miz needs more people than Punk and Cena to work with, and the obvious upswing in skill of guys like him and Dolph Ziggler are the brightest and most important reason to expand your roster a little and work in some guys who know what they’re doing outside of your system and style. It’ll help everybody. Miz needs to be having matches with Daniel Bryan NOW, not last year.
I feel like this match would’ve really been something if they hadn’t decided to Game it up in the middle.
Worst: Hey Guys, Get It, Immigration
I want to give WWE a very subtle “best” for their depiction of Mexican culture on Raw. That’s the lamest best of all time and I’m only giving it because they went with “Mexican flag, traditional dresses, mariachi bands, immigration joke” instead of parading Santino out backwards on a riding lawnmower and having him add Os to the end of words and vomit tacos while Vince danced in circles to La Cucaracha with his junk out and pissed on a NAFTA plaque.
That being said, John Laurinaitis interrupting a CM Punk vs. The Miz match to escort Triple H out of the building due to an immigration paperwork issue would’ve been the worst thing ever had we not just spent too weeks making googly-dick at Occupy Wall Street. It wasn’t a big deal, mostly because it was just Johnny Ace making up an excuse to get Our Man H out of the building, but it was still worth Worsting, because
1) It interrupted a wrestling match, which is annoying
2) It continued the trend of “our good guys are tough, our bad guys are sissy girl liars”
3) It made the television portion of the program about backstage power struggles again, and Jesus, after last week I don’t care if there’s a third Hebner Twin or that Jack Tunney is raiding my independently-contracted 401K plans to buy a yacht, I just want to watch the wrestling and forget how much you do this.
4) More specifically, it made a match between two talented wrestlers into a thing about how tough but betrayed Plainclothes Triple H is
5) Triple H made sure to beat everyone up and punch R-Truth on the way out, should he be made to look vulnerable for a moment
6) Mexico, the joke
Again, not a big deal, but a tiny, less offensive version of the thing I’ve been complaining about for two months. After the post-Money In The Bank epic fall, I need more than baby steps in the right direction. Either that, or I need someone to raise the Labyrinth and just destroy everything.
Worst: If You Really Wanted To Tribute Macho Man You’d Stop Doing That Terrible Elbow
How has Punk been wrestling since 1999 without knowing where to land when he jumps off the rope? He’s not dropping an elbow on people, he’s just jumping on them with his arm out. I miss Randy Savage too, man, but Savage had that sh*t on lockdown. Savage bent that arm no matter how deep in we were and no matter where the guy was lying and crushed his f**king ribcage. You’re crushing ribcages too, but not in a good way. I can’t call out Eve for her obtuse moonsault and not point out your sh*tty lack of depth perception.