Worst: Trending Now
As a New Media Blogger™ I understand the importance of social media, but damn, WWE has not taken into consideration that Twitter is used by dumb people and that a lot of dumb people watch wrestling, so if they say “anal bleeding” a lot of people are going to type “they said anal bleeding” and it’s not praise or ratings and doesn’t f**king mean anything. When “Randy Orton” trends worldwide it seems like an accomplishment, but you know what else trends worldwide? Phrases like WE’RE PROUD OF CODY for teen singers reaching 200,000 followers. Hashtags like #unoyourgettowhen where white people say awful things about black people and the black people play along. Video of a 14-year old giving a guy a blowjob at her high school. Those things are also worldwide trending topics, and you should take that into consideration when you make a fancy graphic for TRENDING NOW and give Primo Colon f**king Comic Sans MS in his TitanTron video.
Best: Cody Rhodes Is Hearing Voices, King
You’d think someone with such emotional scarring would understand the mental disorders of his opponents, but nope, here was Cody Rhodes making fun of Randy Orton’s Intermediate Explosive Disorder and pounding his arms on the ground like a snake does. I always approve a good stolen taunt, even if in the WWE Universe it almost always means the guy who stole it is about to get creamed. Which leads us to:
Worst: Orton’s Lifelong Destruction Of Legacy Continues
The less said about this the better. I can’t do the “Christian is still successful even if he doesn’t win” thing and bitch too much about Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes getting trounced by a guy who doesn’t even care to challenge for the belt, but damn, it feels like Orton’s been beating up those Legacy guys since I was born. I can’t think of a stable in wrestling history where the henchmen ended up so badly bruised by their association. I mean hell, even Sniper and Recon got out of the Truth Commission eventually, right? Rhodes had developed his own character and is IC Champ and DiBiase is over on Raw (I think) sharing a little personal space love with the top brass, but every few months one or both of them has to sign in and get their RsKO. I don’t get it.
Best: All We Need Now Is A Mole Suit And A Jet Pack
The Big Show vs. Mark Henry is never as good in real life as it is on paper, but I enjoyed last night’s match in a very Kaiju Big Battel sort of way. It was like Godzilla going to war with Anguirus, just throwing each other into buildings until some sort of Gaia space justice has been served and everyone around them is dead. I don’t totally understand Godzilla’s mythos. But anyway, Henry and Big Show worked an almost ROH style match, throwing bombs at each other and kicking out of everything until a crazy spot happened and they both got hurt.
Worst: You Could’ve At Least Picked A Different Turnbuckle
You’d think I’d love a good ring destruction spot, but I’m a sucker for continuity, and it was just so similar to the first time they did it. In case you haven’t seen it:
The ring collapsed in the same way, I think the camera work is exactly the same … even Big Show is there. If we’re going to reenact Brock Lesnar spots to further erase him from our collective consciousness (see also, Randy Orton as the youngest WWE Champion of all time) why not go all the way and have Mark Henry break a handicapped kid’s leg in front of the kid’s mother and then push him down a flight of stairs in a wheelchair.
And if we’re comparing Mark Henry and Brock Lesnar, we know how it ends.
Best: HOLE ON A MINENT PLAYA
For my money, the best part of the match was the confusing aftermath with John Laurinaitis trying to figure out what to do about the main event and Teddy Long just kinda strutting his way out there to survey the damage, or help out, or something. I wanted him to tell everyone to hold on a minute, then announce some awful tag match main event for Vengeance where somebody has to team with the broken ring.