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The Dugout: Who Can Make Me Vomit First, Taco Bell Or Brian Wilson

By / 10.06.11

Taco Bell has decided to follow up last year’s 2010 MLB postseason Mariano Rivera “closer” spots with San Francisco Giants reliever and self-proclaimed funniest man to ever live Brian Wilson. The results are about what you’d expect. Personal opinion of Wilson’s humor aside, you’d think they’d want someone who was actually in the playoffs for these commercials, wouldn’t you? How awesome would it be for a guy to be all “whew, can’t finish this XXL Chalupa” and Kyle Farnsworth comes running it, knocks it out of his hands and beats the sh*t out of him?

Today’s Dugout features the extended version of the commercial unsuitable for television broadcast because it contains harsh language, incorrect references to classic literature and an ingredient list for what’s actually in an XXL Chalupa. Reader discretion is advised.

The Dugout

 

** Online Host **
Welcome to the Taco Bell Commercial Shoot Chatroom!

 
XXLChalupa: /is disgusting as f**k  
Director: So, Brian, in this commercial the XXL Chalupa is SO BIG  
SMiLE: …you need a closer to finish it. FACT, NEW IDEA  
SMiLE: imagine this, I’M BLACK OPS, I’m gonna sneak up and finish these chalupas /does the robot to simulate "sneaking"  

SMiLE: where I show up, nobody knows

CAUSE I’M BLACK OWPS!!!

 
Director: what, no  

SMiLE: THESE MONSTERS ARE STACKED

 
Director: why are you screaming at me  
SMiLE: I need to call my inner deliciousness, hello? /pulls gigantic Zack Morris phone from burlap sack labeled "pay attention to me"  
SMiLE: That double XL chalupa… never happened.  
Director: uh, all right, that’s an idea  

Director: only issues I have are

1. you’re a baseball player, and we put you in this cheap ass taco bell commercial because you’re a recognizable baseball star, not a black ops guy

2. why would you call your inner deliciousness to handle the problem when the deliciousness of the XXL Chalupa is what we’re trying to get over, and

3. are you feeling well

 
SMiLE: okay, new idea, PICTURE IT, FACT  
SMiLE: I’m the great Captain Moby Dick, and I’m sailing the seven seas in search of THOSE XXL Chalupaz /does the running man to pantomime "sailing"  
Director: what  
XXLChalupa: what  
SMiLE: only, FACT, the XXL Chalupa is at Taco Bell, but Taco Bell is no longer a restaurant, now it is Literally a FLIPPIN WHALE  
SMiLE: but not just any whale, oh no, this is a UNICORN WHALE, which is a normal whale but with a spike stickin out of his FACE like my BEARD but up TOP  
Director: so like a narwhal  
SMiLE: like a GNARLY WHAL  
XXLChalupa: ugh if anybody needs me I’m going to be congealing in this box  
SMiLE: so I go down into the BOWELS which means BUTTHOLE of my ship and I say excuse me, ship? Or should I say, DELICIOUS-SHIP  
SMiLE: starwipe to 10 years later and that Gnarly Whal is mounted on my gnarly wall and I’m married to AND OR buttf**king the XXL Chalupa  
SMiLE: got heem  
Director: okay, what  
Director: look, why don’t we have the extra hold his stomach and look at the Chalupa confused, then you come in and say "I’m finishing this for you, like in baseball" and we list the ingredients and we’re done 20 seconds from now  
Director: why don’t we do that, okay  
XXLChalupa: yeah that sounds good to me too, I’m extremely large  
SMiLE: better idea, Taco Bell is delivering ingredients via TACO BELL AIRPLANE, I hijack that bad mamma jamma with The Machine and fly it into the ground  
Director: what  
XXLChalupa: holy shit what is happening  
SMiLE: starwipe to HEAVEN, I’m greeted by 40 virgins, all played by me in a wig in a dual role, they pleasure me by touching my RIGHTEOUS BEARD, which also electrocutes them  
SMiLE: enter: GOD, also played by me in a trual role, and he’s the BROSKI who can make 40 different menu items out of the same 7 ingredients  
SMiLE: but here’s the cinnamon twist  
Director: oh god  
SMiLE: FACT I’m really BLACK OWPS!!! And I hijacked that plane to GET to Heaven to SNEAK UP ON OUR LORD  
Director: to steal his chalupa  
SMiLE: but it’s a CRISIS OF FAITH, so I call up my pastor, REVEREND DELICOUSNESS and I ask him-  
Director: hold on, new plan  
Director: stand still for 20 seconds, we’re gonna film you looking forward and Clutch Cargo your lips to make you say "Taco Bell food is good, eat it"  
Director: I send it off to my editor and then immolate myself for having been put in this position  
SMiLE: hold on a TICK TACK, my beard is "bro"-ing me something  
SMiLE: what’s that?? you want NINJAS? oh silly billy why would CHINESE people be in a MEXICAN restaurant?? You’re a beard, you can’t talk!!!  
SMiLE: /wanders off  
Director: jesus christ  
XXLChalupa: sorry about that, just get somebody to paste his head on Mariano Rivera from the last commercial, it’ll be fine  
Director: yeah I’ll probly do that  
Director: wait, how are you talking?  
XXLChalupa: f**k if I know, I’m not even dead, forty minutes ago I was a horse, somebody wrapped me in a floor rug and put me on television  
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

TOPICS#COMMERCIALS
TAGSBaseballBRIAN WILSONMLBPROBABLY SHOULD WARN YOU THAT ITS GROSSSAN FRANCISCO GIANTSTACO BELLTHE DUGOUT

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