Best: Miz Is Not Gonna Be A What Now
Did he just say he wasn’t going to be a sh*tting duck? Better than being a Howard The Duck, I guess.
Best: Zack Ryder Seeming Like Zack Ryder Again
I’ve been dumping on Zack Ryder a lot in recent weeks for abandoning everything that made him likeable on Z! True Long Island Story in favor of smirking in 8 concurrent Broski t-shirts and shoehorning his catchphrases into everything, but last night he seemed funny again, and more importantly, he seemed like himself. He seemed like that guy from the Internet show on TV, doing a well-timed (and ignored) “brutal” to John Laurinaitis’s extended job description and threatening to send Jack Swagger to the ER with immediate fist-bump instead of just saying “WOO WOO BRO YOU SKI IT BRO” and driving over him in an orange and purple monster truck. It was nice, and hopefully now that we’re out of the honeymoon stage we can let him be an actual goofy guy again instead of WWE’s interpretation of what a goofy guy should be.
Last night’s Divas match was BAD. I’m not going to compare it to independent wrestling or anything, it was just objectively f**king bad on every level. Kelly Kelly hit the asshole bootscrapes for the first time in weeks, Eve was throwing kicks that looked like she was playing DDR and the Bella Twins got one of those random Twin Magic tag team victories they do every few months to justify paying the twins who look great in publicity photos. You’ve got to keep them around, because who else is gonna hold Shaq by the arms for his Wrestlemania announcement, but if you keep them around they have to do things, and in WWE speak “women doing things” equals “roll-ups”.
And oh God, speaking of roll-ups…
Best: Brie Bella’s Small Package Of Molag Bal
Remember earlier in the report when I was talking about how awesome Daniel Bryan’s small package was? Yeah, now watch this gif of Brie Bella f**king up a small package beyond human belief.
I can’t stop watching it. It’s like The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka in small package form. As Brie Bella awoke one morning from uneasy dreams she found herself a cockroach. And what’s worse, two of her cockroach legs were Eve.
Worst: OH NO EARTHQUAKE
I forgot to mention it on the Jericho page, but one of the very worst parts of his return was the minute and a half of rumble pack they added to the cameras before the lights went out, like the mysterious boy and girl from the video package had taken sentient possession of the arena and were gonna split open the earth and swell up to devour the audience. But no, it’s just a cool dad in a sparkle jacket. Anyway, the shaking camera was bad, but they did manage to rip this cute, unrealistically-concerned lady from the pages of my It Begins fanfic:
And is that Bam Bam Bigelow back there?
Worst: Still No Brodus Clay. Still.